[handmaiden]

Brothers and Sisters in Christ--since everyone is gathering on this thread, I came here to tell you something.

I have just read about the existence of Giant Tree Vibrators! I do not know if people are trying to stimulate trees or if they are using trees to stimulate themselves. Either way, this is a serious moral concern that we, as True Christians™ must address as soon as possible.


I really believe that this is where God needs our focus right now. Can anyone offer any Bible verses that provide guidance and comfort? I admit to being shaken deeply.

[Basilissa]

Originally Posted by emochildofgod

the thing that balissa redacted was "an ally". she said i was s3xing it up for Satan. I just found someone who i think is kinda chill. That's not Satanic.

There was no space there between the "n" and "a." Well, technically there was a space, but it was the same space that separated all the other letters - how the heck am I supposed to know that you wanted the readers to parse it in a non-sexually perverse way?

[emochildofgod]

I know that it's hard to fight the demons that My Chemical Romance has planted in your head, but you must try. Jesus can set you free. But you really need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this.

MCR has helped me in ways that you don't understand. They inspired me to start a band, their music has somehow made me more confident, and you can't argue on the fact that even if you don't like pop-punk or rock, they have a good song. They are so diverse in genres.

I have just read about the existence of Giant Tree Vibrators! I do not know if people are trying to stimulate trees or if they are using trees to stimulate themselves. Either way, this is a serious moral concern that we, as True Christians™ must address as soon as possible.


I really believe that this is where God needs our focus right now. Can anyone offer any Bible verses that provide guidance and comfort? I admit to being shaken deeply.

wh- even if that did exist it would be super uncomfortable to have bark against your bits. I've literally never heard of anything like that.

-kaylee

[emochildofgod]

OMG I just realized that it could've been misconstrued. I'm so sorry.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

I really believe that this is where God needs our focus right now. Can anyone offer any Bible verses that provide guidance and comfort? I admit to being shaken deeply.

I wish I had something more comforting to say, but there are good trees and evil trees:

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. Matthew 7:17

These tree vibrators sound like the fruit of a very corrupt tree. Will Satan's debauchery never cease? We should organize a sin posse to investigate at once.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

I wish I had something more comforting to say, but there are good trees and evil trees:

Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. Matthew 7:17

These tree vibrators sound like the fruit of a very corrupt tree. Will Satan's debauchery never cease? We should organize a sin posse to investigate at once.

Now, see? THAT'S why I opened my heart to ! I knew that The Lord led me here for a Grand Purpose 10 years ago and He always comes through.


Wow! The Bible really does have the answers to all our problems, doesn't it? Why, oh, why won't more people seek True® knowledge of its pages?


You remember that I am a remote member of our church, of course. Seeing as how I can't "mount up" in person, I should try to support this sin posse financially. Things are a little tight this month, but I have a few packs of ramen noodles to tide me over until the New Year. (Praise Jesus they never spoil!) How much money should I send?

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Things are a little tight this month, but I have a few packs of ramen noodles to tide me over until the New Year. (Praise Jesus they never spoil!) How much money should I send?

As you said, the Bible has all of the answers:

And Jesus sat over against the treasury, and beheld how the people cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much. And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing. And he called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury: For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living. Mark 12:41-44

If Jesus could feed a multitude with a few loaves and fish, I'm sure that you can make that ramen stretch, sister.

[James Hutchins]

Originally Posted by emochildofgod

I never said you had to listen to me, I came hear to learn your ideologies, but Bekkah was met with aggression. Now, I'm just trying to do damage control, and give you an insight into my mind. I have many friends, I don't hate Jesus- but I do not worship him. I know when christmas is (i'm getting my girlfriend a rosary for christmas- she's not catholic, but she likes rosaries), I don't believe in a lord or savior- I believe in science and free thoughts. Sadly, I'm not Ringo Starr or Paul McCartney. If you want, you can have my autograph. I'd imagine the queen's nice, I've never met her.

Shut your mouth woman. No person her has been aggressive, not once, not ever!
If you honestly want to do 'damage control', you need to turn yourself over to Jesus Christ and the Landover Baptist Church and file for True Salvation ™. PM Miss Cookie in the Church office for a pdf of the requisite forms. Do not forget to get them notarized.

[emochildofgod]

Things are a little tight this month, but I have a few packs of ramen noodles to tide me over until the New Year.

OMG! I have an AMAZING ramen recipe you need to try!

1 pack of ramen noodles1 tbs unsalted butter
2 tbs Parmesan cheese
1 splash of kikkoman teriyaki sauce
1 splash of kikkoman low sodium soy sauce
2 handfuls of spinach leaves,
2 tbs of peanut butter (optional)
1/2 tsp chili paste
1 sheet of sushi nori
1 large egg

put the ramen in a pot of warm water, put seasoning packet in,set the stove to high, smear the chili paste over the ramen brick. add soy and teriyaki sauce. let boil until noodles are soft. Add butter and peanut butter, let simmer for two minutes. Add your spinach next, fold it into the ramen until it wilts. Add parm cheese. stir in. Let simmer for 2 minutes or until the broth cooks down to a thicker sauce. Scramble egg and pour into ramen. Stir into the noodles, and ket cook for two minutes. Pour into bowls and add seaweed if you want. It should make about two servings.

it sounds crazy, but it's actually amazing. It adds flavor to a really boring and predictable meal.

Shut your mouth woman. No person her has been aggressive, not once, not ever!

I'm an adult. NEVER tell me to shut my mouth. You're literally ordering me around. That's really aggressive. You're not my dad, I don't have to listen to you. To me, you're just some guy on the internet.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by emochildofgod

You're not my dad, I don't have to listen to you.

At least you recognize that you are obligated to obey your father. That's a start.

But peanut butter and spinach? That's disgusting. You should go to the ladies of Landover forum and get some decent recipes while we True Christians™ deal with the tree vibrator crisis.

[emochildofgod]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

At least you recognize that you are obligated to obey your father. That's a start.

But peanut butter and spinach? That's disgusting. You should go to the ladies of Landover forum and get some decent recipes while we True Christians™ deal with the tree vibrator crisis.

I actually never listened to my dad. I always did the opposite of what he told me. Got into a lot of trouble. But that's the beauty of childhood. It sounds disgusting, but it's actually really good. And based on the high fats, it would be good for a hangover. (good fats) And you can't taste the peanut butter, it just adds another layer of flavor. It makes it creamier and easier to cook the broth down into a sauce. Don't judge it before you try it. You'd be surprised how many dishes use peanut butter.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by emochildofgod

I actually never listened to my dad. I always did the opposite of what he told me. Got into a lot of trouble.

Started dating losers like Rebekkah, listening to Satanic death cult music, etc., etc. We know the sinner's playbook. But you're not here to relive unhappy memories, you're here to conquer your demons, and conquer them we shall. But first, do you know anything about these tree vibrators we're fighting against?

[emochildofgod]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

Started dating losers like Rebekkah, listening to Satanic death cult music, etc., etc. We know the sinner's playbook. But you're not here to relive unhappy memories, you're here to conquer your demons, and conquer them we shall. But first, do you know anything about these tree vibrators we're fighting against?

all i know is that they don't exist. idk what to tell you.

[no_emo_no_cry]

Originally Posted by emochildofgod

all i know is that they don't exist. idk what to tell you.

emochild i hope you write an article to take down these clowns. noone even is giving you a chance, i'm on your side. go girl! dont fall for it there "NOT" christians

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by no_emo_no_cry

...there "NOT" christians

Claims require proof, even those with shitty grammar.

[Dana723]

You know, Misses Emos, I was once like you. Oh, not as bad as you are, but similar. I came on this forum, being flippant and arguing. But you know what happened? I realized these True Christians were right and I repented of my sins. Now I feel free and blessed, washed in the Blood of the Lamb! Won't you give yourselves over to Christ? Will you come?

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

Claims require proof, even those with shitty grammar.

Mr. Much, despite your hellbound status, I have always considered you a worthy frenemy. So, I guess I should thank you?


Anyway, as True Christians™, we keep our eyes fixed on eternity and fulfilling God's commands. I'm going to keep praying for you, especially as I understand that you live in a heavily forested area. (It has recently come to my attention that there is more sin to be found there than I realized. )

[emochildofgod]

Originally Posted by Dana723

You know, Misses Emos, I was once like you. Oh, not as bad as you are, but similar. I came on this forum, being flippant and arguing. But you know what happened? I realized these True Christians were right and I repented of my sins. Now I feel free and blessed, washed in the Blood of the Lamb! Won't you give yourselves over to Christ? Will you come?

That's very nice and all. I think that's a good thing for you. I find religion can be very toxic and harmful to people like me, so I'm a nihilist. But if you like what you're doing- you go girl!

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by emochildofhelicopters

...I'm a nihilist...

Ooooh, look who heard a fancy word.

[emochildofgod]

Originally Posted by Didymus Much

Ooooh, look who heard a fancy word.

Dude- I don't believe in an afterlife. And I know I'm not gonna make it big, so the most I can do is live every day like it's my last, and know that in the grand scheme of things, nothing I do really matters that much. The Earth's being ruined with climate change- I doubt there'll be any new generations after 2065, so Nihilism makes sense to me.