Vidar the Vampire - The Christian Film of the Year

[Elmer G. White]

What a surprise! Godless Norway that is usually only famous for its obsession with everything haddock and cod has produced a feature film that will bring unexpected masses unto the very bosom of Jesus! This film is called "Vidar the Vampire" and despite its somewhat controversial content, it is targeted at the demographics that need Jesus the most. The story revolves around a false Christian 33-year-old man who looks for meaning of life in a big city. Standard coming-of-age stuff, but with a Godly twist!

After 33 years spent as a local loser living with his devoutly religious mother, rural farmer Vidar Harr prays to God that he might finally receive sexual satisfaction from flesh, instead of from the pages of Playboy. Vidar can hardly believe his eyes when his plea is actually answered, with Jesus Christ himself seemingly appearing while bathed in bright light inside the family barn.

Unexpectedly, Jesus is a vampire. More unexpectedly, Jesus compels Vidar to receive the body of Christ in a manner that involves swallowing something other than Holy Communion.

This may seem blasphemous at first glance, but we must remember that the filmmakers are desperately trying to reach today's youth and captivate their attention to bring them Home to Heaven.



So, Jesus is a vampire. Vampires are all about blood. The protagonist receives Jesus (and the blood) through the bodily penetration of Jesus. Let us revise what we know about these things based on the Bible:

John 6:54
Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day.

We can see how the blood that vampires consume is actually His blood. Glory! What about the act of penetration?

Galatians 2:20
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Jesus Christ is within. Not Spiritually this time but bodily. Unexpected and seemingly lewd? Obviously! Blasphemous? Maybe, but not irrevocably blasphemous. The pre-Salvation sinner will not lose anything by ostracizing Jesus as he is already lost (James 2:10)!

Luke 12:10
And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven.

Thus, not irrevocable. Summary: Blaspheming against Jesus can be forgiven if that person Repents and chooses Jesus. Can this film do that? It can! Who are among the target audience?

• All the youths and maidens who devour the vampire romances of Harry Potter and Twilight.
• All the sodomite boys who swarm the Earth's Disk!
• I.e., 99% of the population under the age of 25.

All these young people only understand the languages of Gothic Romance and Bromance. They will see this film. They are going to watch Jesus violate the protagonist's chastity and through His blood comes the wonderful transformation of becoming permanently one among the Disciples. The vampire is a metaphor for that. Glory!

I am praying that one day I'll have the time and opportunity to actually watch this film. Incidentally, another interesting feature has been released within this same genre that talks directly about the necessity of Repentance to young people and it is called "Dracula in a Women's Prison". I'd like to see that, too. Let us hope and pray that our local celestial cable network and our Pastors will soon purchase these pinnacles of thespian quality to be distributed among all True Christian™ households.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Nobar King]

Re: Vidar the Vampire - The Christian Film of the Year

It truly takes a man of God to find a kernel of wholesomeness in a pile of filth like that. I'm too old to be seeing these kind of movies.

[Basilissa]

Re: Vidar the Vampire - The Christian Film of the Year

More unexpectedly, Jesus compels Vidar to receive the body of Christ in a manner that involves swallowing something other than Holy Communion.

Um, I'm not sure how to interpret this, but based on what it could mean, I don't think women and young children should be exposed to that sort of thing. If you know what I mean.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Vidar the Vampire - The Christian Film of the Year

Um, I'm not sure how to interpret this, but based on what it could mean, I don't think women and young children should be exposed to that sort of thing. If you know what I mean.

You may be right, righteous Sister. 'Swallowing something other than Holy Communion' must be a hidden reference to the vile and disgusting doctrine of trasubstantiation of the Catholic cult.

It is a seductive heresy, and it may be too complex for the less brilliant female or immature mind to understand how the entry of Jesus into the body of a believer is both a Spiritual journey but also a literal occurrence where the essence of Christ is poured into the formerly hopeless sinner. Perhaps the Pastors will give a PG-13 rating to this. Overall, the reference is still a good antidote against Papism as the presence of Jesus is not in the wafers but it is an actual penetration of the deity into us.

Colossians 1:27
To whom God would make known what is the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles; which is Christ in you, the hope of glory:


Yours in Christ,

Elmer