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Default I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 05:36 PM

Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22
But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.
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Icon47 Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 07:29 PM

< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?


Obligatory coronavirus public service message:

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upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.upchucker67 is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 08:43 PM

What's a condom?
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 08:46 PM

Mr. Hucker,

Do you remember that discussion that we (me, you, and Mrs. White) had on my thread about the studying, praying, etc.?



2 Timothy 2:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.


Ephesians 6:18 King James Version (KJV)


18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;





Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22
But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.


In Christ,

Thomas K. White (That's Mr. White to you Sinners! )

Rev 20:11-15
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 09:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
Hello Landover.

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.
I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!
-A perturbed Phil.

We will need quite a bit of information to accommodate you. List all the sins you know you have committed. Then list the things you have done and thoughts you have had you think were not sins and we will make our own judgement.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 10:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
Hello Landover.

You've known me for my many social boners on this wonderful site. I'm sorry. I feel the need to put myself forward urgently. Though as you know full well, I suffered the brunt of COVID-19 while on my vacation cruise, I know full well that was just God's foreplay, and He has so much more horror in store! I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!

Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast! The apocalypse is here and Christ will show up any more to call home his children! I don't wish to be left grovelling in the mud on my belly with the other sinners.


2 Peter 2:22
But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.



I know this is the End of Times, God is miffed! If there's one small thing I can do to humor Him (I've got many novel talents in my arsenal), then I'll do it, no questions asked!


-A perturbed Phil.
I'm just finding Salvation myself. I will pray that you find yours.


Ephesians 6:23 Peace be to the brethren, and love with faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Grace be with all them that love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 11:21 PM

Thank you Maria, I'm touched. By the way, why do you have a cartoon boy in your avatar? You are not an androgynous thingamajig, are you?
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-28-2020, 11:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?
He likes the smell of his self-proclaimed wit.



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-29-2020, 01:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
He likes the smell of his self-proclaimed wit.

Obnoxiously moldy?
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-29-2020, 02:10 AM

You're looking for a shortcut, Chuck. Don't you know by now there aren't any? It's like this: Give yourself over to Jesus, invite Him into your life and follow the narrow path or burn for eternity in the Lake of Fire that is the second death. It's simple; no plan is required. God sees you procrastinating and I imagine you are on His smite list by now.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Prayer Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-29-2020, 04:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat! Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast!
Dear Mr. Hucker: Pray tell, what part of the many messages (with too-many-to-mention references to the ) have you not understood? It is not like the servants of the have not tried to help you in every way that we can. However, we cannot look over your shoulder to ensure that you are, in fact, reading the glorious Truths that are contained within the Word of Almighty .

Now, then, since you are so close to the brink of tottering into for all of eternity (which you deserve, most assuredly), I shall include a link to some writings on . These should help to put into focus for you.

https://www.landoverbaptist.net/inde...ment-of-faith/

It is my prayer, and that of my dear friends at the Wednesday Afternoon McGill Street Ladies' Prayer Meeting, Bible Study and Tea & Social, that you will read all of this very carefully, and then act accordingly. You know, Dear, we ladies do pray for you constantly. Why, just yesterday afternoon, I had a call from Sister Priscilla, asking how you are getting on. She's asked that I pass a message to you, and it is this: "fritter not your time with foolish pursuits."

I do so hope that your next message to us will show that you have, indeed, been seeking the in a most sincere manner.

Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Romans 10:13 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Acts 17:27 "That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us"


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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-29-2020, 09:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
Hello Landover.

I know I will be on the receiving end of His prolonged torment if I don't get right with Him stat!
That's a start. You acknowledge that you are going to Hell because you deserve to be sent to Hell because you have fallen short of the perfection of God.

Quote:
Tell me please what I need to do to get Saved and fast!
Listen to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. There really is nothing that one needs to--or CAN do-- to get saved.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria Knight View Post
I'm just finding Salvation myself. I will pray that you find yours.

To the both of you--you are looking for the air in front of you instead of breathing it in to keep yourselves alive!


You don't "find" Salvation. You don't "get Saved and get it over with".



You admit that God created everything and is deserving of all Glory and Obedience. You accept that He has the authority to send you to Hell for the sin of being born an imperfect human.


You thank Him for sending Jesus to die in your place to present God with the only Sin Offering that God is willing to accept--A blood offering of a Perfect Sacrifice.


You ask God to pour Jesus' blood all over you to cover up your sin so that God can tolerate the smell of you. (Because He prefers the smell of blood to the smell of sin.)


You rejoice in God's cleansing bloodbath. You are Saved. . .


Then you spend the rest of your life reading the Bible and accepting its unerring Truth. This is followed by obeying Every Part Of It.

You do this all the time, with all your heart, mind, and soul and you do it for the rest of your life.


Just do what He tells you and don't deviate in any way or you will have sinned. And that is something that you can't do if you are saved.


1 John 3:9
Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for His seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.


It is literally SO SIMPLE. I don't know how anybody could make it any clearer than that.


I would break it down in words of one syllable, but if The Good Lord wants to use words like "whosoever" and "remaineth", it is hardly my place to suggest substitutions.


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

Guns For God and the Economy
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 06:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
< Is that a condom hanging from your nose?
I believe it is


-Ps 25:10 All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.
-Ps 33:4 For the word of the LORD is right; and all his works are done in truth.
-James 2:10 For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
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Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.Romeo Rovagnati is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 11:57 AM

Dear Mr. Chucker, if you are really interested in going to Heaven (or at least Purgatory) you should start by attending the Mass every Sunday, confessing your sins to a priest and doing good works like charity or fasting. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Father Romeo Rovagnati.
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 01:40 PM

I think I better step in here and correct something. Mr. Hucker, Don't let him fool you. Jesus is the ONLY REPEAT ONLY one who can save you.


Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.


It's easy to do good works, but, it won't get you into Heaven.


Matthew 7:22-23 King James Version (KJV)

22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.


At the end of this life, if we did not accept Jesus into our lives......Friend, you will be truly sorry when you meet Jesus.

Revelation 20:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Romeo Rovagnati View Post
Dear Mr. Chucker, if you are really interested in going to Heaven (or at least Purgatory) you should start by attending the Mass every Sunday, confessing your sins to a priest and doing good works like charity or fasting. I hope this helps.
Sincerely, Father Romeo Rovagnati.


In Christ,

Thomas K. White (That's Mr. White to you Sinners! )

Rev 20:11-15
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Isabella White Isabella White is offline
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Rebuke Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 02:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tkwhite View Post
I think I better step in here and correct something. Mr. Hucker, Don't let him fool you. Jesus is the ONLY REPEAT ONLY one who can save you.

Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

It's easy to do good works, but, it won't get you into Heaven.

Matthew 7:22-23 King James Version (KJV)

22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

At the end of this life, if we did not accept Jesus into our lives......Friend, you will be truly sorry when you meet Jesus.

Revelation 20:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire.
Amen, dear Mr. White! And, again, I say: AMEN! I do thank you for looking out for Mr. Hucker's best interests, and for showing him that the false Cathyolick beliefs of "Father" Rovagnati are, indeed, false, and that they will take those Mary-worshiping believers to -- for all of eternity!

Mr. Hucker, if you are reading this, you must realize that you are not to listen to the false teachings of the Cathyolick "church". If you do, you can expect the wrath of Almighty to strike you at any moment -- just as He has done in the attached video clip, when He showed fury at the Cathyolicks in this service of idol worship!

And, we must remember that these idols do, in fact, make the Throne of shake with anger. Why, as you will see here in this blessed verse of Scripture from the , the is very strict concerning such matters!

Deuteronomy 12:3 "And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place."

Now, then, here is that video clip of striking down that clay idol. Notice how that old nun jumps -- and well she should, having the fury of the in her -forsaken face!



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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 03:00 PM

You are absolutely welcome Mrs. White. Yes, I, just as you, have his interests at heart. Speaking for myself, I don't want to be the one who has to look Mr. Hucker in the face and say, "I told you so!" when he asks why we never told him how to get Saved when we (the entire Church membership) gave him everything available to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Amen, dear Mr. White! And, again, I say: AMEN! I do thank you for looking out for Mr. Hucker's best interests, and for showing him that the false Cathyolick beliefs of "Father" Rovagnati are, indeed, false, and that they will take those Mary-worshiping believers to -- for all of eternity!

Mr. Hucker, if you are reading this, you must realize that you are not to listen to the false teachings of the Cathyolick "church". If you do, you can expect the wrath of Almighty to strike you at any moment -- just as He has done in the attached video clip, when He showed fury at the Cathyolicks in this service of idol worship!

And, we must remember that these idols do, in fact, make the Throne of shake with anger. Why, as you will see here in this blessed verse of Scripture from the , the is very strict concerning such matters!

Deuteronomy 12:3 "And ye shall overthrow their altars, and break their pillars, and burn their groves with fire; and ye shall hew down the graven images of their gods, and destroy the names of them out of that place."

Now, then, here is that video clip of striking down that clay idol. Notice how that old nun jumps -- and well she should, having the fury of the in her -forsaken face!



In Christ,

Thomas K. White (That's Mr. White to you Sinners! )

Rev 20:11-15
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Ezekiel Bathfire Ezekiel Bathfire is offline
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 08:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by upchucker67 View Post
Hello Landover. I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested.
-A perturbed Phil.
Yea! And the Lord is like unto an insurance policy that you wish you had had before you ran into that police car and wrecked it.

Proverb:1:24: Because I have called, and ye refused; I have stretched out my hand, and no man regarded;
Proverb:1:25: But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof:
Proverb:1:26: I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;
Proverb:1:27: When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.
Proverb:1:28: Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me:
Proverb:1:29: For that they hated knowledge, and did not choose the fear of the LORD:


All the advice above is good (apart from that papist's lies) as there is always the small hope that you are among those who are destined for heaven:

Ro:9:21: Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour?
Ro:9:22: What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:
Ro:9:23: And that he might make known the riches of his glory on the vessels of mercy, which he had afore prepared unto glory,


However, I have to say that the clever money is not on that outcome.

I hope that helps.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: I need to get saved before the impending Rapture. Help requested. - 03-30-2020, 08:06 PM

Given our experience of you, Mister Hucker, I didn't know how to respond to your query. Fortunately, Pastor Bathfire's conclusion has expressed my view - and that of every other True Christian™ lady with whom I have discussed this, i.e. just the one - far more politely than I could have done.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
However, I have to say that the clever money is not on that outcome.


Revelation 21:8

But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.
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