Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

[Bobby-Joe]

My atheist friends time taunt me with childish question like “show me any proof, no matter how vague of this existence of God.” While this is utterly disingenuous, proof of God’s existence is in all of our hearts as atheists well know, I suppose for the weak faith it is worth the effort of putting up a good example. So for my friends how there who persist in denying the existence of God here goes.

The cucumber: The cucumber sleek shape is the correct size of the human hand. While one can make the weak argument that cucumbers are just that size because apes eat them and Godly micro evolution caused this them to be convenient to a human sized hand no other primate we are supposedly related to eats the cucumber, only humans. This also makes the cucumber the optimal size to be inserted into a human bodily orifice, again there is no natural reason for this. Only humans are depraved enough to violate themselves with a vegetable. Cucumbers have a tough out skin that allows them to put up to resist repeated rubbing, like what will happen when a cucumber is inserted into a human bodily orifice for purulent reasons. Again, no natural reason for this.

Evolution can not explain the cucumber. So clearly the cucumber has a creator.

Who or what is so obsessed with what humans put into their bodies that it would create a vegetable to enable it? There is only one answer; the God of the Christian Bible. Sticking things into your bum is a major point of Christianity. It is the direst of sins and God is on the constant alert for it, He is utterly outraged by it and tests humanity for it relentlessly. Clearly cucumbers are created by God as a trap for any hidden self sodomites out there.

Game over Atheists.

[Nobar King]

Re: Cumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Cucumbers are cold and slimy like snakes. I don't trust them.

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: Cumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Did Bobby-Joe break into the cache of confiscated cannabis?

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Cumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Cucumbers are cold and slimy like snakes. I don't trust them.

You shouldn't brother. The only people who like cucumbers are wicked self-sodomizers.

Did Bobby-Joe break into the cache of confiscated cannabis?

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

You seem rather defensive here brother. Is there something you would like to speak about?

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Cumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists



Bobby-Joe, you have made me sneaky suspicious of a neighbor of mine. He's single, thin, well groomed (maybe a little TOO well groomed), and he grows CUCUMBERS along his fence every year. They are the short, fat, knobby kind, too. He claims to make pickles with them, but I don't believe him.

I'm thinking I ought to sneak into his yard late one night this summer, and spray some Round-Up for the Lord.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Cumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Bobby-Joe, you have made me sneaky suspicious of a neighbor of mine. He's single, thin, well groomed (maybe a little TOO well groomed), and he grows CUCUMBERS along his fence every year. They are the short, fat, knobby kind, too. He claims to make pickles with them, but I don't believe him.

I'm thinking I ought to sneak into his yard late one night this summer, and spray some Round-Up for the Lord.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

Perhaps a good move Pastor. Who knows what your neighbor truly means by the word "pickle" and our Lord has tasked us with being our brother's keeper.

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Grocery stores routinely oil up their cucumbers, to make them more attractive to customers. I wonder if they know that they're leading their customers down the sodomites' path to Hell.

[Mrs. Robert Roberts]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

And what about those "English Hothouse Cucumbers"?
Are they a subversive plot from the UN to take over our women folk?

[Talitha]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

And what about those "English Hothouse Cucumbers"?
Are they a subversive plot from the UN to take over our women folk?

That's a very valid point Mrs Roberts.
I remember one time when my dear departed husband was alive.
There was a loud scream from the Bathroom.
My poor husband had somehow slipped on some soap in the shower, and fell backwards on to one of these Demonic Cucumbers (which just happened to be pointing upright).
It took a team of Surgeons quite some time to remove it.
We never had Cucumber sandwiches again, after that day.
I think he re-lived it several times.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

That's a very valid point Mrs Roberts.
I remember one time when my dear departed husband was alive.
There was a loud scream from the Bathroom.
My poor husband had somehow slipped on some soap in the shower, and fell backwards on to one of these Demonic Cucumbers (which just happened to be pointing upright).
It took a team of Surgeons quite some time to remove it.
We never had Cucumber sandwiches again, after that day.
I think he re-lived it several times.

You are making me nauseous with your disgusting vegetable stories!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

I am willing to offer a $10,000 USD reward to any secularist who can prove my arguement wrong.

Give it your best shot Darwnists.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Ewwwww!

I guess I won't be serving cucumber finger sandwiches at the Ladies of Landover tea bagging parties any more.

Why are homers so sick and disgusting? They ruin everything.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Ewwwww!

I guess I won't be serving cucumber finger sandwiches at the Ladies of Landover tea bagging parties any more.

Why are homers so sick and disgusting? They ruin everything.

Exactly Sister, that is why God's judgment is against them. However let us praise His Holy name that He gave us cucumbers so we can tell those sinners among us.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

Brother B-J, I nearly bought a cucumber just the other day.

There I was at the Safeway, gathering fresh vegetables for a church pot luck salad. I had tomatoes, zucchini, baby corn, and all sorts of tasty treats.

There they were: Cucumbers, 2 for $1. What a great way to add some texture to the salad!

I rolled my cart over and picked up one of these succulent delights.

Much to my surprise, it was . . . well, greasy. I set it down and picked up another; also greasy.

A store employee was wandering by, and I asked why the cucumbers were so greasy. "Oh," he said, pointing at an emo-looking stocker, "Billy lubes 'em up with the KY every night in the storeroom. Takes him hours."

Upon seeing my expression of horror, he quickly added, "Dude, it washes off, it won't hurt you or nuthin."

I'm not sure what happened next. I must have fainted from my shock at the matter-of-fact way he told me about "Billy" and the depravity he engaged in with the cucumbers. I awoke in the storeroom, and my behind hurt something fierce.

"Dude, you fell down and landed right on one of them cucumbers. Don't worry, me and Billy, we got it out for you. You OK?"

[WhySoCentrist]

Re: Cucumber, the proof of God’s existence Atheists

I'm sorry, what???
No other primate eats the cucumber because no other primate lives in an environment where the cucumber grows. Cucumbers (and other fruit and vegetables for that matter) EVOLVED to have a tough outer skin because it made them more difficult to eat. Additionally, cucumbers are a cultivated, not wild, flora so they're not naturally occurring in nature, either.
What is the matter with you people???