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  • Gabriel Reproba
    Head Attorney of Landover's Legal Team
    The Most Honest Lawyer in America
    True Christian™
    • Nov 2009
    • 2479

    #1

    PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

    We all know that the Bible instructs us to stone witches to death. It even tells us to stone those who use "familiars."
    Leviticus 20:27
    A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
    For those unfamiliar with familiars , here is a brief overview of what God means:

    [F]amiliar spirits, sometimes referred to simply as familiars, are supernatural entities that assist witches in their practice of magic. They appear in numerous guises, often as an animal, but also at times as a human or humanoid figure, and are described as "clearly defined, three-dimensional… forms, vivid with color and animated with movement and sound" by those who have come into contact with them, unlike later descriptions of ghosts with their "smoky, undefined form[s]"

    When they serve witches, they are categorised as being demons. The main purpose of familiars is to serve the witch. The service the familiar would provide would be to protect the new witch coming into his/her new powers.

    Due to their association with older forms of magic, in the twentieth century a number of magical practitioners, including adherents of the Neopagan religion of Wicca, have once more begun to utilize the concept.
    Get that last bit? Demon familiars are coming back in style! Many atheists scoff at such a notion while they chomp on their popcorn in a movie theater absorbing the latest Harry Potter propaganda. Well, sinners, have a look at this video of a mexican woman giving her familiar cat instructions. Then tell me we are crazy! CHECKMATE!

    Yours In Christ,

    Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

    Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

    Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
    Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
    The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
    Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
    How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
    20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
    God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
    Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
    Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
    Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
    There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
    Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

    Reading only the parts of the Bible your pastor tells you to (those that make you feel warm and fuzzy) is nothing but mental and spiritual masturbation. Read the WHOLE Bible to find out what Christianity is REALLY all about! Only then can you talk to us about why we try so hard to save people from Hell.
  • Levi Jones
    Pastor of Hermeneutics and Apologetics
    Bathed in Christ's Precious Blood
    Apostle to the Cactuses, Tumbleweeds and Jackrabbits
     
    • Jul 2009
    • 13930

    #2
    Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

    Amen, brother. I cannot believe the way these people sat around laughing as that demon spoke! I was truly frightened for my life.

    Do you suppose the demon was speaking in Aramaic?
    Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.

    Comment

    • Ezekiel Bathfire
      Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
      Christ's Rottweiler
       
      • Jan 2008
      • 22838

      #3
      Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

      We must destroy it with fire.
      sigpic


      “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

      Author of such illuminating essays as,
      Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

      Comment

      • Pastor Ezekiel
        Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
         
        • Sep 2006
        • 78552

        #4
        Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

        That thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. I'm going to announce at tomorrow's services that all cats are banned in Freehold.
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • Nobar King
          Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
          Christ's Guardian
          True Christian™
          • Sep 2007
          • 23748

          #5
          Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

          The next door neighbor is a crazy cat lady witch and she has some evil cats, too. Evil witches and cats just go together. Sometimes when I'm driving home at night I can see their eyes in the dark, watching me.
          May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

          Comment

          • Bible Student
            Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages
            With Jesus now.
            True Christian™
            • Dec 2010
            • 2474

            #6
            Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

            Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
            That thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. I'm going to announce at tomorrow's services that all cats are banned in Freehold.
            Oh no. That is really disappointing news. I'll never be able to purchase a vacation home in Freehold considering I've become rather dependent upon my watch cat even if he does have black belts in karate and judo.

            YiJC, BS

            II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

            Comment

            • Goody Jerusha
              Forum Member
              Forum Member
              • Jan 2011
              • 30

              #7
              Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

              Most Wise Brothers; we have never stoned witches in my small community, we have always burnt them. I believe some of the elders have been turning a blind eye as of late, as there have been no burnings for almost two years.

              Many fond childhood memories are had at burnings. The cozy warmth of the fire, the smell of fat bubbling on the wood and children roasting chestnuts warm the heart of even the most stern parent.

              The screaming and writhing of the condemned only lasts a short while and we drown out the unpleasant noise with hymns.

              I long for the days of my youth when there was a burning every month.

              It warms the cockles of my heart to reminisce.

              God be with ye, good gentlemen.
              Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round thy table. Psalms 128 vs. 3.

              Pekahiah & Kelaiah age 14, Gaius age 12, Dorcas & Dicklah age 9, Gomer age 6, Hagar age 3, Solomon Solomon Junior age 15 months

              Comment

              • Gabriel Reproba
                Head Attorney of Landover's Legal Team
                The Most Honest Lawyer in America
                True Christian™
                • Nov 2009
                • 2479

                #8
                Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                Originally posted by Goody Jerusha View Post
                Most Wise Brothers; we have never stoned witches in my small community, we have always burnt them. I believe some of the elders have been turning a blind eye as of late, as there have been no burnings for almost two years.

                Many fond childhood memories are had at burnings. The cozy warmth of the fire, the smell of fat bubbling on the wood and children roasting chestnuts warm the heart of even the most stern parent.

                The screaming and writhing of the condemned only lasts a short while and we drown out the unpleasant noise with hymns.

                I long for the days of my youth when there was a burning every month.

                It warms the cockles of my heart to reminisce.

                God be with ye, good gentlemen.
                While I a not 100% familiar with the laws of Missouri, I am almost positive you have committed murder, which is just awful. God tells us to obey the government's laws. (Romans 13:1-4) How could you do such a thing? We True Christians(tm) are trying to change the government's laws to LEGALIZE stoning SO THAT we may enact God's Laws. If you have murdered someone, we will be obligated to report you to the authorities. Now, can you explain what you meant?
                Yours In Christ,

                Gabriel Reproba, Esq. (Lawyer for the Lord)

                Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

                Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
                Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
                The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
                Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
                How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
                20 Questions To See If Your Son Is A Fag
                God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
                Bible: If You Love Your Wife, Beat Her!
                Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
                Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
                There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
                Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

                Reading only the parts of the Bible your pastor tells you to (those that make you feel warm and fuzzy) is nothing but mental and spiritual masturbation. Read the WHOLE Bible to find out what Christianity is REALLY all about! Only then can you talk to us about why we try so hard to save people from Hell.

                Comment

                • Pastor Isaac Peters
                  Senior Pastor
                  Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
                  Always Biblically correct
                  True Christian™
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 10639

                  #9
                  Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                  We all know that lezbertarians tend to be witches and that they tend to have lots of cats. Coincidence? I think not.
                  This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                  Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

                  sigpic

                  Comment

                  • Goody Jerusha
                    Forum Member
                    Forum Member
                    • Jan 2011
                    • 30

                    #10
                    Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                    Originally posted by Gabriel Reproba View Post
                    While I a not 100% familiar with the laws of Missouri, I am almost positive you have committed murder, which is just awful. God tells us to obey the government's laws. (Romans 13:1-4) How could you do such a thing? We True Christians™ are trying to change the government's laws to LEGALIZE stoning SO THAT we may enact God's Laws. If you have murdered someone, we will be obligated to report you to the authorities. Now, can you explain what you meant?


                    I believe I have received an infraction without merit.
                    Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round thy table. Psalms 128 vs. 3.

                    Pekahiah & Kelaiah age 14, Gaius age 12, Dorcas & Dicklah age 9, Gomer age 6, Hagar age 3, Solomon Solomon Junior age 15 months

                    Comment

                    • Brother Harold Porter
                      Landover Senior Outreach
                      Touching Men, Women and Children with the Good News!
                      True Christian™
                      • Jun 2010
                      • 8236

                      #11
                      Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                      Originally posted by Goody Jerusha View Post
                      http://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/Exodus%2022.18

                      I believe I have received an infraction without merit.
                      It happens Sister. When I was coming to Jesus and letting Him come in me, there were times that I was infractionated.

                      Better not to dwell on it or feel sorry for ourselves. When you feel the self-pity, just look at what God can do for those that worship Him without question.

                      Click image for larger version

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                      Focus on your love of God!

                      In Jesus Christ
                      Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

                      sigpic

                      Comment

                      • Rev. Jim Osborne
                        True Christian™ Televangelist
                        Director of Fundraising and Tithing
                        On the Look Out for Wife #6!
                        True Christian™
                        • Jun 2009
                        • 8622

                        #12
                        Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                        Originally posted by Goody Jerusha View Post
                        http://biblia.com/bible/kjv1900/Exodus%2022.18

                        I believe I have received an infraction without merit.
                        No, the infraction was well-deserved.

                        Did you not read Romans 13:1-4 like Brother Gabe quoted to you? We as Christians are commanded to obey secular law.
                        Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work,

                        Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

                        1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
                        1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
                        1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:
                        Stoning witches is (unfortunately) against the law, but we must follow the law. Please do not promote anything illegal on this forum. Thanks for understanding.

                        Watch the #1 Televangelist Gospel Hour in the World! "Turn or Burn: Accept Christ or Go to Hell with Rev. Jim Osborne." Check your local cable listings.

                        Comment

                        • Goody Jerusha
                          Forum Member
                          Forum Member
                          • Jan 2011
                          • 30

                          #13
                          Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                          Dear, kind, Brother Harold Porter, thank you for your correction. I have committed the sin of pride. Forgive me.
                          Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round thy table. Psalms 128 vs. 3.

                          Pekahiah & Kelaiah age 14, Gaius age 12, Dorcas & Dicklah age 9, Gomer age 6, Hagar age 3, Solomon Solomon Junior age 15 months

                          Comment

                          • Daisy Mae Johnson
                            The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
                            Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
                            aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
                            True Christian™
                            • Sep 2006
                            • 15708

                            #14
                            Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                            Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                            That thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. I'm going to announce at tomorrow's services that all cats are banned in Freehold.

                            except Petal

                            sigpic

                            Tweet me Here
                            My GODLY Bio Here

                            Comment

                            • Bible Student
                              Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages
                              With Jesus now.
                              True Christian™
                              • Dec 2010
                              • 2474

                              #15
                              Re: PROOF: Witches With Demon Cats Are Real!

                              Originally posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
                              Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
                              That thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. I'm going to announce at tomorrow's services that all cats are banned in Freehold.
                              except Petal

                              That does seem a bit drastic, forbidding all pussies in Freehold. What will the men do then?
                              YiJC, BS

                              II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

                              Comment

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