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  • The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

    The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening



    Featuring co-writer Social Construct.

    First the good news: Atheism is dead! Next the bad news: True Christian style and rhetoric are currently out of fashion. Now more good news: the core experience and influence of True Christianity is stronger than ever, as long as you can learn a few new buzzwords!

    And what do we call this, the miracle we've long been praying for?

    It's called The Great Awokening.


    Consider it a fresh paintjob for religion. Everything looks new and shiny and unfamiliar, but don't worry, underneath it's the same religion doing the same things as before! Best of all, this time we get to ignore the first amendment and establish a state religion. We are already preaching in public schools!

    To prevent overwhelm, here is a chart of some major Woke sects, and which buzzwords, slogans, and shibboleths they use to separate The Elect from the unsaved trash.

    How it works

    Christianity starts with Original Sin, where we teach children to feel guilty for being born. After letting them stew in self-loathing for a while, we re-direct the anger towards guilty devils (Satan literally means "the enemy").

    Religion gets its power from fear. However, directly threatening people leads to direct resistance. For example, the Taliban scares women, convincing women that if they go outside they will be raped. This makes people hate the Taliban. Feminism also scares women, convincing women that if they go outside, they will be raped. But instead of hating feminists, the victims end up hating men, as the feminists wanted all along.

    To prevent direct resistance, smarter religions tell people to be afraid of a devil. Some Christians are afraid that every teen-ager is a Satanist, and panic when a black cat crosses their path, and so on. Wokism makes black people think that every white person wants to lynch them, and makes then panic when they see the police. Hate has a way of making people rally around their abuser. Nobody notices that the Taliban and feminists are on the same team when it comes to convincing women that if they go outside they will be raped.

    If the children fail to hate, they will start asking questions. This is where the ancient Myths come in, conveniently happening long before anyone's living memory. These tell the story of how everything used to be good before The Devils led to The Fall. In the old version Adam and Eve got too curious, ate a forbidden fruit, and get kicked out of the Garden of Eden. And as if that's not bad enough, next The Jews/White People killed Jesus.

    After all the ancient history lessons cause the children to forget whatever their question was, it's time to get back to the emotional manipulation again.

    Sacred Victims are your Martyrs, the updated Christ On The Cross. The children are told that they are guilty of causing the martyr's suffering, and the only way to stop is to do what the elect say. However, the Elect tend to lead cushy, martyrdom-free lives, so it's better to conscript random people to get martyred, whether they want to be involved or not. Did George Floyd want a mural on every street declaring him the Replacement Jesus? No, he was just looking for another pregnant woman to hold hostage to steal more money for fentanyl, but he can't complain because he's dead.

    Supernatural Beliefs are the same as scientific beliefs, only instead of proving them with evidence, we prove them by getting really, really angry when people ask for evidence. Say "This is my Lived Experience, I can ignore science because I have Other Ways Of Knowing".

    If your anger failed to deter a critic, and they won the debate anyway, this is where Taboo Facts come in. Basically, you find out what your critic said to win the debate, and then make it illegal to say it again. A fact can be both sacred and taboo at the same time - for example, sacred Muslim Holy Books state that Mohammed was a pedophile, but it's still taboo to say so, at least in the presence of someone who thinks that pedophilia is a bad thing.

    The Fortress Of The Elect

    The Elect are the self-appointed saviors. How do you join The Elect? Do you have to win an election? Survive scientific peer review? Provide the best product or service at the best price, as chosen by the marketplace? No, no and no. Religion does not work that way.

    Because The Elect don't have to win elections, debates, or pass any real-world test, everyone will try to join. You need a way to always be separating your insiders from the riff-raff. Thus, the fortress of The Elect needs to be defended. Secret handshakes have to be learned. Have people practice weird rituals that atheists find hard to do with a straight face. Invent and constantly change secret passwords that are needed to pass the gates. Booby-traps, in the forms of taboo words, need to be created and moved around. Sometimes a secret password can itself be turned into a booby-trap. For example, "negro" was once the only acceptable term, though if you said it with a poor person's accent it was taboo. Now "negro" itself is taboo. "Colored people" switched from password to taboo, even though it's almost identical to "people of color". If a few dyslexics end up getting booby-trapped, so what? The more random, spectacular, and unfair the booby-traps are, the better they will be at detering wannabes from joining The Elect.

    I won't go on about the various words used in Christianity, because there are a lot, and they change depending on the sect and church. The point is that religion teaches that there are magic words: evils ones are profanity, and good magic words are prayer and praise.

    If someone says "all this talk is pointless, it's actions that count", start with the Magic Rituals. Seemingly pointless actions, like kneeling and eating a wafer, are magic when The Elect says they are.

    In Conclusion

    So, while True Christians might need to update our secret handshakes, passwords and taboos, our actions will be the same as always.

    As True Christians we use rumors and/or character assassinations of people accused of social faux pas, and we do everything we can to get these nerds punished. We consider every bystander to be an accomplice to the crime if they refuse to be conscripted into our crusades, especially if they utter a profanity like "due process", "presumption of innocence", or "collateral damage".

    As True Christians we will not have to change a thing when it comes to sins we prioritize, the targets we interrogate, and the enforcement tactics we use. We will continue to target nonconformists, weirdos, nerds, and the isolated. Buzzword: "neckbeard." We will continue to focus on communication malfunctions, cases where there's a mismatch between what someone intended to communicate, and how people interpreted them. Keywords: "So what you're saying is...." We will continue to focus on people who are not up to date with the latest in-group trends and fashions.

    We will continue to support bullying, mobbing, swarming, and trial-by-popularity contest. Because the legal system requires evidence and rule of law, we will bypass it to focus on destroying our targets' careers, families, social lives, and sanity. Remember, the First Amendment says you still live in a land of free, honest, easy communication, as long as the censorious reign of terror is carried out by a force that is technically not government.

    Like a Church.
    Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 05-11-2022, 05:09 PM.
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  • #2
    Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

    Does this mean we have to stop punishing women who don't do what they're told by threatening to call them Jezebels in front of their neighbors? I'm all for a little positive PR, but not at the expense of our fundamental rights as fundamentalist Christians.
    The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!

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    • #3
      Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

      This is good news, Brother Jeb. The Christain press, like Christian Post.com, is full bad news about the decline in popularity of Christianity. There is always an implied message: Christianity has to update, to change. This, of course, is impossible. A solution that merely moves the checkers on the table is better. The illusion of change is good. Actual change is bad.
      Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

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      • #4
        Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

        I miss the good old days when white males ruled supreme, negroes picked cotton and women kept their traps shut.

        I blame Michelle Obama for ruining America.

        5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
        To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
        James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

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        • #5
          Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

          Originally posted by WWJDnow View Post
          Does this mean we have to stop punishing women who don't do what they're told by threatening to call them Jezebels in front of their neighbors?
          The new slogan is "There's a special place in hell for Women who don't support the female community".

          The key words are "community" and "voices". You see, poll after poll shows that the people least interested in wokism are the actual martyrs themselves. Immigrants want borders, Muslims hate terrorists, blacks want the police back, and as for women, their choice of boyfriends says what they think about "toxic masculinity".

          It's really just rich whites who are woke, which is fine, because nobody is being told to "Stand with black PEOPLE" or "listen to LGBTWQWYEN PEOPLE". No it's always "stand with the black COMMUNITY" or "listen to female VOICES" etc., meaning "stand with the unelected, white-funded representative, who always agrees with rich white people on everything".

          Think of it like invading a country and installing a puppet government. A Banana Republic, where the Generalissimo is a born and bred local, yet always agrees with foreign banana corporations on everything. By saying "I stand with the black community" you're basically saying "I stand with the Ghetto's Puppet Government, which is controlled by rich white people"
          Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 05-16-2022, 04:51 PM.
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          • #6
            Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

            The included chart on Wokeism is excellent. Satan comes inmany guises. Back in the day he looked like a snake - later (see Book of Job)he just wandered about, so looked like a man. Later still he was a sort ofblack-winged scaly monster, but as medieval times ended, he morphed into a suspiciouslooking man, always with a goatee beard, then became a man in a cloak withbright red skin (I wonder if this is a reference to Redskins?), cloak and horns.He then became a more threatening version of “The Fonz”. Finally, thanks to JebThurmond we see and can recognize him as he is today.


            Click image for larger version

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            “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

            Author of such illuminating essays as,
            Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

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            • #7
              Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

              This isn't the first time religion has rebranded itself so well that nobody noticed. Catholicism is basically rebranded paganism, explaining the huge gap between the Bible and Catholic tradition. Pagan gods became Catholic saints, and as for holidays....If you ever wondered what decorating trees and hunting for Easter eggs has to do with Jesus, the answer is nothing whatsoever - most holidays are still barely re-painted paganism to this day.

              As far as I know, nothing in the historical record says people noticed at the time.
              Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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              • #8
                Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                I miss the good old days when white males ruled supreme, negroes picked cotton and women kept their traps shut.

                I blame Michelle Obama for ruining America.

                Amen, dear Brother Cranky! I've been saying the very same thing for years now. Once the White House stopped being truly WHITE, then all broke loose! And, that "liberated" Michelle woman is the very cause of this horrid uproar that we're seeing in the news. Oh, how I look forward to dear President Trump and his lovely Melania returning to Washington in 2024. Clearly, they will have their work cut out for them, seeing as how they will work tirelessly to amend the errors that are so prevalent in society today:
                Attached Files
                (Mrs.) Isabella White

                Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the Blood of Jesus"

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                • #9
                  Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                  Prayer is so important, as was covered in the OP. How often has God seen a problem and been waiting to solve it in answer to prayer, when the wrong form of words was addressed to Him or an irregular baptism had taken place? Sometimes pagan idols are present. God does not respond to those prayers. Then again, in certain congregations, wild orgiastic dancing goes on – another trapping of paganism. God requires us to address Him in very precise ways and there's so many unenlightened attempts imagine a new form of words or acceptable postures that quite simply are never going to work. Here is an example of reimagined prayer. To what extent would such an entreaty be effective?

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                  • #10
                    Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                    Originally posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
                    Think of it like invading a country and installing a puppet government.
                    Especially if that country is Ukraine, which both Wokists and True Christians believe was totally asking to be demilitarized and denazified.
                    Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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                    • #11
                      Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                      Someone asked me to take notice of Rev'd Al Sharpton. (I have not done so.) Where does he fit into on the woke spectrum?

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                      • #12
                        Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                        Originally posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
                        Someone asked me to take notice of Rev'd Al Sharpton. (I have not done so.) Where does he fit into on the woke spectrum?
                        Isn't he too old to be woke?
                        God created fossils to test our faith.

                        * * *

                        My favorite LBC sermons:
                        True Christians are Perfect!
                        True Christian™ Love.
                        Salvation™ made Easy!
                        You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                        Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                        Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                        Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                        Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                        The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                        Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                        God HATES Rational Thinking!
                        True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

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                        • #13
                          Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                          Originally posted by Basilissa View Post
                          Isn't he too old to be woke?
                          Oh, so he's just a charlatan. Although charlatans generally take some pride—even if it's not very much—in their technique. They concoct a potion tailored to their intended audience. They put it in a little bottle, blue perhaps or green. It might be a powder in a shiny or mysterious looking box. They devise a form of words based on experience and what passes for market research and could teach you how to do all that. You'd probably need an aptitude for it; and then the most important point: just when it's all going well, good sized crowds willing to part with the oof: knock it on the head and move on. Take nothing with you, after the last performance wander off as usual but get on the first train you see and stay there as far as it goes. Taken in reverse order, Sharpton from what little I've seen has mastered none of these skills.

                          So I'm reluctant to call him a charlatan. Perhaps there's an expression in The Koran that could apply to him? Wokeniks fall over themselves to endorse it (never having read it) or perhaps those who have not repudiated it. As sinners, many Christians had repudiated crazy ideas once the insanity was thrown into high relief
                          John 1:4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
                          because that's what repudiation means. One could have been a communist and dissed the half-baked manifesto they have. Not only is it 174 years out of date, the remedies they sought to problems they described had been discovered already!
                          John 1:5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
                          Not everyone sees the vile or the crazy and in those cases, because they still agree with it, they do not repudiate their book. To hear them say they have other ideas even so, and to believe them, is to be fully woke and abiding in incomprehensible darkness.

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                          • #14
                            Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                            Originally posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
                            The Koran....Wokeniks fall over themselves to endorse it (never having read it)
                            Swearing by unread books is tradition of all religions, after all, most people have terrible reading comprehension skills, so reading holy books leads them astray. How else can you explain why so many atheists say they left religion because they read the Bible?

                            Anyway, you've brought up the questions of what religion Wokism has plagiarized the most heavily from. With their love of men in dresses bureaucratizing everything, you might think Catholicism. However, Wikipedia says of Protestantism:

                            Originally posted by wikipedia
                            They emphasize justification by faith alone (sola fide) rather than by faith with good works; the teaching that salvation comes by divine grace or "unmerited favor" only, not as something merited (sola gratia);
                            This dependence on virtue signaling - on sounding trumpets before one prays (Matthew 6:2) is foundational to Wokism, along with fashion trends.

                            A foundation built on fashion and phoniness: no wonder they feel so precarious, always claiming that Nazis are about to take over the world. Never mind that if Nazis were that powerful, the Wokists would be appeasing them, like they do with all actual threats.
                            Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
                            Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
                            Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!

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                            • #15
                              Re: The True Christian Guide to The Great Awokening!

                              Originally posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
                              Wokists would be appeasing them, like they do with all actual threats.
                              The problem is concentration span. Operations research populations they'll infect in their great scheme, a henchman here, a floozy there all done up, a tweak via some preexisting law or written constitution, across centuries they span with nefarious intent. Here's a couple of examples.

                              1. They wanna get rid of slavery.
                              And whizz for atoms. Great scheme. On message operators. Less and less day by day. Except for one tiny liddle factoid: slavery is more widespread than ever before. "Boom central," as they say. Not in Wales or France Canada maybe but that's not where most people live. India still breeds indentured servants, a major export to the middle east and assorted despotic regimes. OK, I get it, killing an indentured worker is murder and killing a slave is not – but that's about the only difference. Sweatshops abroad in the 3rd world manufacturing rubbish that breaks the first time you use it, thus requiring more hellholes making more rubbish to replace it. Fast fashion that makes you look like a waddling gargoyle even if you didn't already [unlikely -ed.]

                              2. Electric cars.
                              Did you ever see those adverts where your car had black balloons coming out of its exhaust? What they never told you was that if we all drove electric cars the whole sky would be obscured. For every black balloon your 1929 Chevrolet produced over its entire lifetime, and they still work fine today, there'd be a hundred squirting out the chimney of the electric factory! But no: marginal costs are all they can comprehend.

                              3. Comprehend?
                              Did I say comprehend? Yes, they think they do. And even by their own standard, it's fail fail fail fail fail. All the way to the bank. How many wokes live in sh!thole? None.

                              4. Mutilation of infants.
                              This particular form of cultural enrichment is only admired by those who never have to experience it. Its consequences throughout life are catastrophic but for these wretches, catastrophe is the new normal, bringing us to item five

                              5. Trepanning.
                              Fine. Go for it. Bore holes in your cranium to your heart's content. Just don't expect me to pick up the tab when you get brain cancer. But reading any True Christian guide to the great awokening suggests to me that brain cancer is not a flaw in the operation. Quite the reverse. Not only is it the result, it's the cause. In that respect rather like LSD one surmises, and what woke punchbowl is complete without a few drops of that?

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