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WARNING: Satan is Using Olympics Volleyball to Get Young Boys to Masturbate!
International Emergency Christian (Republican) Family Action Alert:
Freehold, Iowa - Behind the locked doors of America's Christian bedrooms, young boys are getting swept up in a disturbing trend. "I had a frantic mother come to me the other day in tears," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off of their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys' Clubs!"
When Mrs. Huxton put her ear to the door, she told Pastor that she "heard not the sacred sounds of scripture readings accompanied by soft sweet whispers to our Heavenly Father, but rather a noisy television set spewing Chinese gibberish, tuned to an Olympic volleyball match." When she listened closer, she heard the slapping sounds of flesh-on-flesh accompanied by the grunts and moans of little Christian boys!
When she opened the door, Mrs. Huxton reported seeing a pile naked young men, including her own son. "Timothy's head was peeking out from under the pimpled rump of his prayer leader," she said. "They were all on the bedroom floor covered in sweat, their stiffened purple tallywhackers pointing in every direction." Before Mrs. Huxton fainted in the doorway, she noticed the Tivo paused on the scantily clad knee of an Olympic volleyball player from the corner of her tearing eye.
"When church security officers arrived on the scene the boys had dressed themselves and were seated quietly in the living room, each with an open Bible on their lap," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "But the Devil didn't clean up his mess in the bedroom! No sir! His tell-tale hoof-prints were everywhere! There were empty bottles of secular lubricant, four pairs of silk panties stained with the after-lust of Lucifer's business, and what appeared to be a horse harness stuffed into Timothy's closet along with a case of Red Bull. In addition, security officers reported the boys had been playing with superhero toys," Pastor continued. "Anything related to superheroes except for Jesus is forbidden in this church! Officer Wilkins told me he found a Tantus ball toy and Titanmen training tools under Timothy's bed, and we're looking into it because there are bound to be some some Tantus & Titanmen comic books hidden around somewhere too! The sticky giant gold rings found under Timothy's dresser are also suspect because the boy is probably into the fantasy book series, the Lord of the Rings, and we'll have none of that! There is also the possibility the boys were worshipping an idol because officer Wilkins found a sinister looking black silicone graven image with a bulbous head and nylon straps had been thrown out of Timothy's window. I'm told the tip of the idol smelled like poopy! No doubt the family dog had gotten hold of it."
"I have no doubt in my mind that all across America, Christian families are coming across scenes exactly like this!" Pastor Deacon Fred told parishioners on Sunday morning. "We won't stand for it in this church! From this day forward any member of our congregation caught watching Olympic volleyball or even mentioning Olympic volleyball will be asked to pack their belongings and find a place to live where your filthy, sinful, disgusting, depraved masturbation lifestyle is accepted!"
Timothy Huxton, Nathan DeAngelino, Alfred Fillmore, and Rufus Washington have each been sent to the Landover Baptist Creation Science Research Facility where they remain isolated from television and one another in the pre-marital mastrubatorial re-conditioning ward until further notice.
International Emergency Christian (Republican) Family Action Alert:
Freehold, Iowa - Behind the locked doors of America's Christian bedrooms, young boys are getting swept up in a disturbing trend. "I had a frantic mother come to me the other day in tears," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "She told me that her son, Timothy, invited several of his friends over into his bedroom for private prayer and devotional scripture studies. What she told me next is enough to send shivers down the spine of every God fearing mother and father in our Christian Nation! Satan is in our midst, my friends! The Devil is using Olympics volleyball to lure young men into shedding their clothes, flopping around and falling off of their beds with him into the pit of iniquity. Lucifer is turning innocent afternoon gatherings of imprecatory prayer into frenzied young Masturbating Baptist Boys' Clubs!"
When Mrs. Huxton put her ear to the door, she told Pastor that she "heard not the sacred sounds of scripture readings accompanied by soft sweet whispers to our Heavenly Father, but rather a noisy television set spewing Chinese gibberish, tuned to an Olympic volleyball match." When she listened closer, she heard the slapping sounds of flesh-on-flesh accompanied by the grunts and moans of little Christian boys!
When she opened the door, Mrs. Huxton reported seeing a pile naked young men, including her own son. "Timothy's head was peeking out from under the pimpled rump of his prayer leader," she said. "They were all on the bedroom floor covered in sweat, their stiffened purple tallywhackers pointing in every direction." Before Mrs. Huxton fainted in the doorway, she noticed the Tivo paused on the scantily clad knee of an Olympic volleyball player from the corner of her tearing eye.
"When church security officers arrived on the scene the boys had dressed themselves and were seated quietly in the living room, each with an open Bible on their lap," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "But the Devil didn't clean up his mess in the bedroom! No sir! His tell-tale hoof-prints were everywhere! There were empty bottles of secular lubricant, four pairs of silk panties stained with the after-lust of Lucifer's business, and what appeared to be a horse harness stuffed into Timothy's closet along with a case of Red Bull. In addition, security officers reported the boys had been playing with superhero toys," Pastor continued. "Anything related to superheroes except for Jesus is forbidden in this church! Officer Wilkins told me he found a Tantus ball toy and Titanmen training tools under Timothy's bed, and we're looking into it because there are bound to be some some Tantus & Titanmen comic books hidden around somewhere too! The sticky giant gold rings found under Timothy's dresser are also suspect because the boy is probably into the fantasy book series, the Lord of the Rings, and we'll have none of that! There is also the possibility the boys were worshipping an idol because officer Wilkins found a sinister looking black silicone graven image with a bulbous head and nylon straps had been thrown out of Timothy's window. I'm told the tip of the idol smelled like poopy! No doubt the family dog had gotten hold of it."
"I have no doubt in my mind that all across America, Christian families are coming across scenes exactly like this!" Pastor Deacon Fred told parishioners on Sunday morning. "We won't stand for it in this church! From this day forward any member of our congregation caught watching Olympic volleyball or even mentioning Olympic volleyball will be asked to pack their belongings and find a place to live where your filthy, sinful, disgusting, depraved masturbation lifestyle is accepted!"
Timothy Huxton, Nathan DeAngelino, Alfred Fillmore, and Rufus Washington have each been sent to the Landover Baptist Creation Science Research Facility where they remain isolated from television and one another in the pre-marital mastrubatorial re-conditioning ward until further notice.
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