[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the coffin. They hear a faint moan. They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the coffin. As they are walking, the husband yells, “Watch out for the f*cking wall!''

[Dr. Warren Wierdsbe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

John was sitting in his easy chair, enjoying his morning coffee and newspaper, in his bathrobe, when his wife, Joan, came in dressed in her Sunday best.

"John, what are you doing? We are going to be late for Sunday School! Go get shaved and dressed!

"I'm not going today," John said peevishly. "Everyone at that church is a hypocrite! I hate them all and they all hate me! Give me one good reason I should go back!"

"John," Joan said with a gasp, "You're the pastor!"

[Dr. Warren Wierdsbe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Two good Irish Cat-a-holic street sweepers were working outside the House of Ill Repute when they saw the local Rabbi come up the street, look furtively around, and rush up the steps.

"Shore and begorrin, 'tis a cryin' shame!" Says O'Shaugnessy.

A little later, along comes the Methodist pastor. He looks all around, doesn't see the boys, and hurries up the steps.

"Faith of me Fathers, 'tis a pathetic sight! Such hypocrisy!" says O'Flannery.

Just a few moments later, they see their parish priest come up the street, and hide themselves. The Fadder looks around, and hurriedly rushes up the steps.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" Cries O'Shaugnessy. "Someone's awful sick up there!"

[Dr. Warren Wierdsbe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

One day a few years ago, I was visiting all the Sunday School classes in our church. I stopped by Miss Jackson's sixth graders' class and they were so happy to see me!

I decided to test their faith just a little, and asked, "Who wants to go to heaven?" All but little Johnny raised their hands. "Johnny, don't you want to go to heaven some day?"

Johnny heaved a sigh of relief. "Pastor, I thought you were getting up a group to go right now!"

[Dr. Warren Wierdsbe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Now folks, I've been working my way through this thread, and I must say I have been disappointed and appalled at some of the concepts of fun and some of the language used.

Crucifixion jokes? Are you kidding me? That is not appropriate for any Christian! Do you think Jesus had a sense of humor? We know the Bible says Jesus wept, but does it say he laughed? NO!

So let's cut out the Jesus and God and Crucifixion jokes. Make fun of the damned, if you must make fun of someone.

As for me, I will only tell jokes I have actually told from the pulpit. If it ain't clean enough for the Lord's House on Sunday, it ain't clean enough behind the barn.
Amen.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man walks into a Catholic church and sees a golden telephone sitting next to the pulpit. He asks the priest what the golden phone is for, and the priest tells him that it's a direct line to God. The man asks if he can use it, and the proest tells him that he can, but it will cost him $1000 per minute in long distance charges. He leaves, goes to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, and each has a golden phone and each has exorbitant fees to use them.

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

[Unfalsifiable]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

One day a PAstor woke up on Sunday, and instead of going to Church, he cheekily decided to drive 20 miles out to the next town over to play golf on their golf course.

He put his golf ball down and drove it towards the hole, a gust of wind took it and landed it perfectly, without a bounce, in the hole.

An Angel leaned over to God and asked, "why did you do that for him?", God replied "who's he gonna tell!?"

[JennyD]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man walks into a Catholic church and sees a golden telephone sitting next to the pulpit. He asks the priest what the golden phone is for, and the priest tells him that it's a direct line to God. The man asks if he can use it, and the proest tells him that he can, but it will cost him $1000 per minute in long distance charges. He leaves, goes to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, and each has a golden phone and each has exorbitant fees to use them.

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

I don't get it.

Are you suggesting that Heaven is next door to the Gateway to Hell?

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I don't get it.

Are you suggesting that Heaven is next door to the Gateway to Hell?

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

Just because you witches live in a make-believe, anything goes fantasy world, it doesn't follow that Heaven is made up. Unfortunately for you, you'll probably never find out for yourself.

THIS is what awaits you and your hateful tribe of demons. Praise Jesus.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

No yourself, Dances! We know from the BIBLE that this can't be true, for it is written in LUKE! . . .


19There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

20And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

21And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

22And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;

23And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

24And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

26And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

27Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father's house:

28For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.

29Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.

30And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.

31And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.


. . . so there, let that be a lesson to those who take the Word of God too lightly!

[JennyD]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

OHH! Now I get it!

The joke is on the silly Unitarian, who thinks that he can call ANYTHING Heaven, even his worship-of-nothing hall. That's very funny!

Sorry for being a bit slow on the uptake, I had a long day.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

They didn't mention that the phone didn't work because the phone company had cut them off for being a bunch of lazy Communist hippies who never paid their bills.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Cookies at your funeral


A Man is on his death bed close to passing a way.
Suddenly he tantalisingly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate cookies drifting into his room.

With all his effort he manages to stagger downstairs in to the kitchen.
There he sees piles of his favourite cookies on the table.
With trembling hands he reaches out to grab a cookie.
However, suddenly his hand is slapped with a spatula and his wife shouts out

“Get off, those are for your funeral.”

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.


Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.


Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.


Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans : None
Lutherans don't believe in change. Amen!!


Amish :
What's a light bulb?