Tweet
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Where's your sense of humor? This is a joke thread?
Where's your sense of humor? This is a joke thread?
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
You might be a Southern Baptist if:
- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.
- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School.
One day a man dies, who was a devout Christian. Saint Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and begins to give him a tour of Heaven. As the tour goes on, Saint Paul points out all the different Christians. "There's the Catholics, there's the Lutherans, the Methodists, the Presbyterians", and so forth. As they come to this one group way off to themselves, Saint Paul motions for the man to come closer and whispers. "Now, for this next group, we need to be really quiet. They are the Baptists and they think they're the only ones in Heaven."
There's some humor right there, pedophile.
Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Ah, the imaginings of Mexicans and Europeans.Originally posted by HatePeace View Post
Mary is very, very dead.
The Bible makes it clear that all who are dead remain dead until Judgment. That includes your precious Mary.
Stop praying to a corpse, necrophiliac.
Southern Baptists sure are a trip, aren't they?Originally posted by HatePeace View Post
We broke with them when the SBC (look it up) decided to espouse the position that drinking alcohol was sinful. Sure, Jesus turned water into wine, but these people would rather put the traditions of men before God's Word.
Thank the Lord we are Independent Fundamentalist Baptists!
www.palibandaily.com - Your Christian News Source
Huckabee/PalinGingrich 2012 will reclaim America for Christ! PRAISE!
Christian Ladies:
Savor your separation in style at the Monthly Visitor!Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
The Catholic Church makes me cry, not laugh.Originally posted by HatePeace View Post
Imagine, all those hundreds of millions of Catholics, condemned to an eternity of Hell, all because they followed the Pope instead of Jesus.Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
No, it's one of the greatest jokes Satan ever played, and it looks like you're the butt of it.Originally posted by HatePeace View Post
Does she come in Diet Mary form? Can I get fries with my blasphemous Jesus cookie and super-sized Our Lady of Trsat shake?Originally posted by HatePeace View PostO Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
- Catholic perversion throughout history
- Does it matter how we praise the Lord?
- How the King James Bible Saved me from anal sex!
God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Well, well, well. I sit down to look at the Interwebs for a bit of levity here in the jokes thread and what do I see? A Papist railing on about how "Christian" the Cat-a-holic church is!Originally posted by HatePeace View Post
You know, you might find prayers "about" Jesus in almost any false cult out there, including but not limited to, Moronism, Jehovah's (false) Witnesses, Episscopalianism, right on down to American Baptists and the Southern Baptist Convention.
I am joking just a bit about the Baptists, but not much, those compromising "feel good" "God is love" mealy-mouthed reprobates.
Here's a good one to put us back on the "Good, Clean, Christian Jokes" thread:
Why don't real Baptists make love standing up?
Someone might think they were dancing.
In Christ,
WarrenComment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Joke -- Why God Made Ohio Found this in an old e-mail:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, some nations will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while others are going to be poor." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see who I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania."Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Ohio is full of Homers. Sinsinatti is the Homer capital of the midwest!!!Originally posted by Nobar King View PostMatthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
sigpicComment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
I've got one.
What do you call a bunch of wetbacks holding hands?
A spic-et fence.
Get it? Picket fence?
The kids in Sunday School loved that one!
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
That was spictacular, brother.Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View PostComment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
I was reminded of this when I heard the news that Scientology is being sued for fraud in France.
There are 2 Level 3 Thetans in a bath, one says, “Where’s the soap?” The other replies, “Give me $5,000 and I’ll tell you.”sigpic
Author of such illuminating essays as,
“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
Just to revive this knee slapper of a thread...
Why does it stink to be a black jew?
Because then yall get sent to the back of the oven!
Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
This is why the "average" woman shouldn't be trusted with the home finances.
It's funny 'cuz it's true.
www.palibandaily.com - Your Christian News Source
Huckabee/PalinGingrich 2012 will reclaim America for Christ! PRAISE!
Christian Ladies:
Savor your separation in style at the Monthly Visitor!Comment
-
Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes
There's a new oil company called "NIGAZ"Russia's energy giant Gazprom has signed a $2.5bn (£1.53bn) deal with Nigeria's state operated NNPC, to invest in a new joint venture.
The new firm, to be called Nigaz...
Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!Comment
Comment