How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

[Gabriel Reproba]

I got a litter of kittens for my children a few months ago. They were awesome and brought my little girls much joy, such is the Grace of God. However, they have recently started becoming willful and mischievous. One of the even scratched one of my sons and pushed my little girl, Anabella, in the face. Not knowing what to do, I of course went to the premiere authority on animal handling: The King James Bible.

I start with the fact that, as we all know, God gave us dominion over all animals on the Earth:

Genesis 1:26
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

This means we can do as we see fit to all animals, but it also means we must be stewards to them. Now, I had to find out what God wants me to do to Tinkebell, Snowball, and the rest of the "pretty kitties" as my girls call them.

I found answers in Exodus:

Stone Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:28
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.

Stone Animals Who Push People
Exodus 21:32
If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.

So it is clear... If any animal I own attacks or even "pushes" someone else, I MUST kill it. Also of note is that I am at risk of being stoned to death if Mr. Tibbles were to get out of the house and "push" a neighbor:

Stone Owners Of Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:29
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.

I hope you can see that this make it a very urgent matter for me.

So it seems that Sweet Baby Jesus wants me to take Mrs. Puss-N-Boots and the rest of the "cuddly crew" and bash their skulls in with rocks. But then I saw the following:

Genesis 6:5-7

5And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.

This is, of course, God's decision that he needed to wipe out all humans and animals with his great flood. A cat that was in teh flood could have lived for week, adrift on floatsom, before slowly drowning. God has clearly given me two ways to deal with disobedience animals.

So it leaves me with a dilemma: do I bash the kittens to death or drown them slowly in the tub? Which shows more love for God?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

It doesn't really matter. I've hear Deaner likes to use them for target practice. He ties them up in trees.

[Liam the ex-drunk]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

There are a lot of ferral cats around my farm, the best way to dispose of them is to trap them and use them as live bait in a hunt.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

There are a lot of ferral cats around my farm, the best way to dispose of them is to trap them and use them as live bait in a hunt.

I'm with you, Liam. Their death should provide a net benefit for your family. As such, I provide families in my neighborhood with an easy way to dispose of unwanted kittens. They are free to toss them over my fence at any time. The kittens then get to play with my 8 guard Huskies, though admittedly the romping is over fairly quickly. Takes care of the neighbors problem and saves us on dog food.

[Isaac Fisher]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Well, The Bible does say to stone them. Just grab a few stones and hit their heads against it until they're dead.

Simple as pie.

[Talitha]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

It's well known that a cat is nothing more than a Demon spirit taking on the form of an animal.
A cat has no place in a Christian household and should be stoned immediately, as should the owner of the demon.

Leviticus 27: A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

Unless of course you choose to go to Sister Petal who will willingly Baptize the Kitties.

Whichever way, the cat dies.

Such is the Love of Jesus.

[Jack O'fagan]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

In these situations I sit back and ask the question 'what would Jesus do?'
I believe that Jesus would drown them.

Tinkerbell and Snowball could be demon possessed if they have attacked your children. I think that Jesus's preferred method of animal execution was drowning.

Mark 5:11 Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. 12And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.
13And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, they were about two thousand and were choked in the sea.



This may have been due to practicalities though. There were 2,000 pigs that needed killing and it would have taken ages for gentle Jesus to have individually smashed their skulls in with a rock.


YIC


Jack

[Proud Faroese]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Bash their skulls, videotape it and send the video to an Egyptian!

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Have you considered using your then others felines to teach the your children stories of the Bible. I have seen pictures of people dressing their pets up in crazy clothes but to take these same attired felines and act out your favorite parables. just imagine Sampson and Delliah cat going through all the trials and tribulations of betrayal and finally Sampson pulling down the pillars of the temple killing himself along with his enemies the Philistine tabbies.

Judges 16:28-30

King James Version (KJV)


28And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.
29And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.
30And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

Then you can drop the big rock roof on half a dozen cats. Lesson Taught,cats disposed of for a Godly cause. I mean you could do this weekly in Sunday School.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I think Brother Gabriel should have his children vote on how God wants them to kill the kittens and then punish the children who voted the wrong way. That would teach them to how to handle animals in a Christian manner and to always listen to God in all manners.

[Proud Faroese]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Another thing you could do is to set them free in the local Chinatown!

[Talitha]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Another thing you could do is to set them free in the local Chinatown!

Hmmm, that would just be downright cruel.
Anyway, those Ornamentals should be encouraged to consume proper American food instead of the slimy rubbish they eat now.
No wonder they are so stunted and ugly.

[Proud Faroese]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Or you could just kill them(by stoning) and after you killed them you can download a delicious chink cat-meat recipe and invite some born-again Christian japs for a nice dinner

[Zechariah Smyth]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Since you have more than one you could try it both ways and see which works better, both spiritually and logistically, for you.

YiC,

Zech
Posted via Mobile Device

[James Hutchins]

Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I simply toss them in the chipper. I do not have the time to deal with their nonsense.