My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

[John Creeser]

Friends,

As some of you already know, Abigail spoke in church yesterday. We know from scripture this is strictly forbidden;

1st Corinthians 14:34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
1st Corinthians 14:35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

We were leaving when I saw Brother Porter. I know Harold is a big fan of my wife's cherry pie, so I thought I'd invite him over for a slice. I grabbed Abigail's hand and was crossing the floor when Brother Smyth stepped on her foot and she barked out an "OWWWW".

I do not think I have ever been more embarrassed in my life. I could see in your faces the embarrassment for the shame she caused me.

I've had her locked up in the mestra-shack since and have been contemplating her punishment. I've not had to do this before, she's always been unquestioningly obedient, as any wife should be;

1st Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Ephesians 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

So what should I do? Just walk in there and slap her across the face? Spanking? Is it ok to use a closed fist? I'm new at this, please help.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

I heard that and I can tell you I didn't appreciate it. Send her around to my Pastoral Offices tonight around 11. She'll need to bring a bucket of ice and dress in loose-fitting clothing.

[John Creeser]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

I heard that and I can tell you I didn't appreciate it. Send her around to my Pastoral Offices tonight around 11. She'll need to bring a bucket of ice and dress in loose-fitting clothing.

Bless you Pastor Ezekiel

She'll be there promptly at 11.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

This sense of fellowship is something atheists can only dream of.
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[Nobar King]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

She needs a good spanking.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

I've had her locked up in the mestra-shack since and have been contemplating her punishment. I've not had to do this before, she's always been unquestioningly obedient, as any wife should be;

Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?

I do recommend going down to her shack carrying a baseball bat. Knock on the door with it, then come in . . . and ask her if she'd like to play ball after dinner. (A little scare won't hurt.)

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?

My ex-wife Ethel cooked dinner with one hand and one bloody stump for weeks before she died. What one woman can do, another can do.

[John Creeser]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.

Besides, how can she cook your dinner if she's locked up?

I do recommend going down to her shack carrying a baseball bat. Knock on the door with it, then come in . . . and ask her if she'd like to play ball after dinner. (A little scare won't hurt.)

Well...me and the boys are absolutely famished..and it is laundry night. I suppose you're right. If she hurry's she can cook, do a load and still make her appointment with Pastor Ezekiel.

[Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Well brother John, I certainly hope she got the message when the elders all came over there and started praying over her.

I'm pretty sure I know what next week's sermon is going to be about.

[Jedediah]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Whatever you do, just be sure not to leave any marks. I know Abby is submissive and is unlikely to abuse the secular legal system to subvert Biblical domestic discipline, but be careful anyways. Once you've established the consequences of impertinence and unladylike behavior with her, all it should take in the future is a loud snap of your fingers and an icy stare.

[John Creeser]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Whatever you do, just be sure not to leave any marks. I know Abby is submissive and is unlikely to abuse the secular legal system to subvert Biblical domestic discipline, but be careful anyways. Once you've established the consequences of impertinence and unladylike behavior with her, all it should take in the future is a loud snap of your fingers and an icy stare.

Sound advice Brother, thank you. Brother Porter suggested using a phone book for any future "correcting", as it doesn't leave marks.

[Adam Fag]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

There may be a deeper problem. I have been vulnerable in the past to suggestive media reports of an extratesstrial origin for life on Earth. Or at least some of it. These reports I now see as a metaphor for sexual impropriety and Warwickshire is full of bisexual lesbians, I've recently discovered. Could it be that your wife is considering becoming a lesbian?

I had a couple of beauty therapists here the other day, who had been discussing the anuses of homosexual men. I asked them if women were similarly inclined to homosexuality and they described numerous things that it would be necessary for them to do if they were. I think they decided that they were not lesbians, but then they left. I haven't seen them since, but if you put it to your wife that she is a lesbian and asked her to describe the numerous perversions that would entail I think that she would be shocked into reality, see media brainwashing (lesbian kisses on soap operas and so on) for what it is and be grateful to you, for her narrow escape.

[Brother Helge]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

Gay

Don't you ever think about anything else but homersexuality?
Typical atheists I guess.

Brother, it's Thursday afternoon. Given that it was not her intent to speak in church, and she was not flaunting your direction, my thinking is that she's been adequately punished. A Christian man knows when it is time for a little compassion.

I tend to agree with you here, but my Agnes was very upset about the incident.
It must be clear that we simply don't tolerate such behavior.

[John Creeser]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

incoherent homer ramblings

Hello Adam, are you on a day pass from the Landover Rehabilitation Center?

This would explain how you extrapolated your accusation that my wife is a lesbian from opening her stupid yap in Church. I can assure you that my wife is no...what's the slang the kids use these days...laminate floor licker.

Now kindly get back to the center and take your meds before I call Bobby Joe and have you removed.

[WinnerNotSinner]

Re: My wife spoke in Church - how should she be punished?

I heard this; nothing makes the congregation go silent like a woman yapping away in church. Unquestionably she should be punished, but since it's her first time maybe a few open hand slaps, buttock beatings with a thick paddle and sending her off to Pastor Ezekiel's to apologise is appropriate.

Make sure she knows that next time she thinks about opening her trap, she might not get off so lightly!

I wish you and your wife well John, it's been too long.