I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

[Rev_Rob]

I joined here back in 2006 and my how time flies. I haven't been active for awhile but I see I'm still under investigation by LBC and, likely, I'm the subject of the longest running investigation in church history. Well....whatever.

So during my inactive time I've been busy doing the Lard's work brothers and sisters. I'm back on the Faith Healing Circuit, thank the Lard, and loving every minute of it going to all sorts of places healing the lame and sick for the glory of the Lard. Glory!! I still have my gifts as a Faith Healer and I'm using them to do the Lard's work again. Praise God!!

I'm also evangelizing and preaching again recruiting lost souls for the Lard and I'm hoping that some of them find there way here where every true Christian has a REAL home. I also started a new project as part of my ministry after going to and fro I realized just how rampant WITCHERY is in America today! That's right I said WITCHERY. There are more people today engaging in witchery than ever before in America and God's People need to start doing something about it to counteract the Devil's vile and wicked works. So I started a new project to do my part in exposing America's numerous witches and bringing them to get a FAIR trial in front of True Christians just as was done in the days of Salem and the Witch Trials. I call this project "Burn a Witch." Please pray for this project that it will be successful in exposing the witchery in America, brothers and sisters.

I'm also setting up a new website that will focus on my ministry for the GLORY of the Lard. Oh, and as part of my Faith Healing Ministry I'm planning more and more Crusades across this great country of ours. During my last Crusade some old SINNER woman came forward and gave me her last dollar in a love offering. She said she wanted the Lard to have it even though she'd have to eat dog food for the rest of the month. So I took her last dollar and put it in the Lard's treasury. Don't know if she was trying to hit me up or a few bucks in return but giving to the Lard ONLY works one-way. When she passes on she'll have the pleasure of knowing she gave her last dollar to the Lard's work I'm sure and she'll get used to eating dog food. It really ain't that bad.....

Praise the Lard!!

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

Dear Bobby,

I'm deeply confused by your introduction thread. Do you belong to some weird cult that cherishes pig fat as their deity?

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

Dear Bobby,

I'm deeply confused by your introduction thread. Do you belong to some weird cult that cherishes pig fat as their deity?

Lard really is the preferred fat for Christmas Cookies, and now that we can legally say "Merry Christmas" again (thank you President Trump!), I've been baking Christmas cookies all day every day!

Anyway, welcome back Rob. What a heartwarming story about the old woman who gave her very last dollar to help promote the LORD's work. She reminded me of the old widow and the mite (Luke 21:1-4). I sometimes wonder about that old lady. Surely Jesus didn't go over to her and whisper in her ear that He was the Christ, so the only way she could know to convert from her Jewish sin before drawing her last breath would have been to live long enough to have heard about Jesus dying on the cross and getting better. Not an easy task for an old lady who couldn't afford a morsel of food now. You'd think such a story would be patently unbelievable, after all, we all know that bodies decompose after death and nothing that decomposes re-composes again. Then again, should I witness dead bodies pop out of their graves and talk all over the city I might be convinced Jesus was the real-deal too (Matthew 27:52). I guess I won't know until Jesus calls me Home to know if the old woman converted before drawing her last breath, or if she's still suffering in Hell this very day. But still, she is an inspiration.

[DolliMoans]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

One of my beauty secrets; before bed, I smear a bit of lard on my face to give it a lustrous glean in the morning.

[Jimmy-Roy Stewart]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

Hi their Rev_Rob Sir when I start my sausage roll business I plan to use plenty of lard in the crust anyway the pastors like to tell me that giving to Jesus works both ways (Malachi 3:10 Luke 6:38 II Corinthians 9:6 did I do that right?) they like to tell me that to make sure I tithe its' so nice how they look out for my well being .

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

I joined here back in 2006 and my how time flies. I haven't been active for awhile but I see I'm still under investigation by LBC and, likely, I'm the subject of the longest running investigation in church history. Well....whatever.

As you will recall, George Herbert, a devotional lyricist and sometime member of King James's parliament wrote in Jacula Prudentum (1652) "God's mill grinds slow but sure."

Landover feels that the investigation will near a conclusion some time before 2024. However, since you have introduced the subject of Lard, The US Lard Association will have to become involved and this may delay early resolution.

I do agree with you about witchery: there is too much of it about - dry cows, sick children, failed crops, poor returns on hedge fund investments, etc.

How effective is your "Healing"? I ask as I am heavily invested in Medical Insurance companies. And can it do anything for "men"... if you see what I mean.

[Rev_Rob]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

Thank you brothers and sisters for the warm welcome and it's good to be home. In answer to some of your questions I do indeed have investments in lard companies and pig farms and have had for decades now. As for uses of lard it works wonders! Got a problem with belly fat? Rub some on your hairy belly at night before going to bed and watch that belly fat disappear. Got ugly demon stick legs? Why, try rubbing some lard on them before going to bed and after about 18 months your legs will look fantastic I guarantee!!


Brother Ezekiel the Lard's mill does indeed grind slow but sure and with a little bit of lard added to the grinder it is sure to grind a little faster I'm sure. Regarding witchery it's all around us. Witches and Sorcerers are everywhere we turn! What an evil, evil world we live in. Don't worry about your investments in Medical Insurance companies brother as they are secure. Most people that come to be healed revert right back to their sinful ways about 5 minutes after the tent meeting ends and are right back to square one. Poor souls just won't keep the Faith!


I'm just happy to be back home praising the Lard with my LBC brothers and sisters. That Dough Boy over in North Korea finally figured out he couldn't hold me forever on trumped up charges having to do with something about me trying to wooo his wife. Last thing he said to me as I departed his SIN filled country was, "We're so glad you're leaving. Your endless preaching drove us all insane." Well that's gratitude for ya!

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

I do indeed have investments in lard companies and pig farms and have had for decades now. As for uses of lard it works wonders!

But, why do you unnecessarily and seemingly randomly capitalize the word "lard"?

Like here:

Brother Ezekiel the Lard's mill does indeed grind slow but sure and with a little bit of lard added to the grinder it is sure to grind a little faster I'm sure. Regarding witchery it's all around us. Witches and Sorcerers are everywhere we turn! What an evil, evil world we live in. Don't worry about your investments in Medical Insurance companies brother as they are secure. Most people that come to be healed revert right back to their sinful ways about 5 minutes after the tent meeting ends and are right back to square one. Poor souls just won't keep the Faith!


I'm just happy to be back home praising the Lard

[Rev_Rob]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

It's called the power of suggestion Basilissa. It's a selling technique. I've got to sell tons of lard and pork sausage to fund the Lard's treasury so I can go out and do the Lard's work and save souls. Don't ya knows nothin' about winnin' souls for the glory of the Lard God Almighty? Now go on out there and buy a can of Lard today and help fund the Lard's Holy Work.


BTW Brother Ezekiel I didn't meant to ignore your last question. Healing works with all sorts of ailments and afflictions including "men problems" ranging from hair loss to ED. You've just got to have faith! Come on down to one of my tent camp meetings and step on up to be healed brother!! I'll even provide you with a free can of lard which you can use as you see fit and a free bottle of my miracle spring water guaranteed to take care of what afflicts you and make you feel "real good" (if you know what I mean). Why you'll be feeling young and studly in no time I assure you.

[Basilissa]

Re: I'm Back..Praise the Lard!

It's called the power of suggestion Basilissa. It's a selling technique. I've got to sell tons of lard and pork sausage to fund the Lard's treasury so I can go out and do the Lard's work and save souls. Don't ya knows nothin' about winnin' souls for the glory of the Lard God Almighty? Now go on out there and buy a can of Lard today and help fund the Lard's Holy Work.

Ehem.

Exodus 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

You have just sinned by saying that lard is your god, and an almighty one, too. Repent for your sins and accept Lord Jesus into your heart to avoid eternal damnation, Bobby dear!

P.S.: Also, Ezekiel Bathfire is a pastor. Please keep that in mind when addressing him.