[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I am a bit perplexed, can some one possible show me a sketch.

Not entirely certain about where you fell off the train, but let me share a little (and pretty old) joke.

A teenaged boy and a teenaged girl from a neighboring farm are sitting on a fence of a pasture. The boy spies a bull mounting a cow and casts a sideways glance at the girl next to him. "You know, I'd kinda like to do that . . ." he suggests meaningfully. In return the girl shrugs and answers, "It's your cow."

Trust me, this joke isn't any funnier with diagrams.

Succinctly Yours,
Handmaiden

[James Dewitt]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Not entirely certain about where you fell off the train, but let me share a little (and pretty old) joke.

A teenaged boy and a teenaged girl from a neighboring farm are sitting on a fence of a pasture. The boy spies a bull mounting a cow and casts a sideways glance at the girl next to him. "You know, I'd kinda like to do that . . ." he suggests meaningfully. In return the girl shrugs and answers, "It's your cow."

Trust me, this joke isn't any funnier with diagrams.

Succinctly Yours,
Handmaiden

Why on earth would I want to take a cow with me on my honeymoon, that's just silly. Room service has milk.

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Why on earth would I want to take a cow with me on my honeymoon, that's just silly. Room service has milk.

You're so pretty.


Facetiously Yours,

Handmaiden

[Larry Lee]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Brother, I fear I must counter your advice in this matter. The muscular "development" of which you speak requires a sustained, intense level of inward focus that should properly be given over only to the Lord.

We couldn't agree more, that the duty of a True Christian™ wife is to glorify Jesus in her every thought, word and deed. If that includes turning her Lady Muscles into a churning Marriage Act machine, then so be it (for His greater glory, of course).

P.S. I wouldn't worry too much about the process of muscular development causing the TC™ woman to experience "sensations that proper ladies might find distressful." Our Lord Jesus has equipped women with very powerful mechanisms for denying their own silly wants and feelings, in deference to those of others. Any good True Christian™ woman is perfectly able to cauterize and kill the wanton buds of personal pleasure that she might inadvertently experience.

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

You're so pretty.


Facetiously Yours,

Handmaiden

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

What?!

I wasn't hitting on him. It's just that he so often misses the point. But hey, if he looks good doing it . . .


Conciliatorily Yours,

handmaiden

[Wide-Open]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

She should start by training her nether regions to lift, manipulate, and perhaps lightly juggle small household objects. From there -- as she becomes stronger and more confident -- she can move on to the challenges presented by a salumi or frikandel.

Frankly Brother, I would be more than a bit scared if I saw my late wife - she died over two years ago in a bizarre gardening accident, remember? - running around the house, juggling small objects or frozen Mora products with her unspeakables.

But I appreciate the reasoning behind it.

[James Dewitt]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

What?!

I wasn't hitting on him. It's just that he so often misses the point. But hey, if he looks good doing it . . .


Conciliatorily Yours,

handmaiden

Typical woman, I have feelings ya know, I am not just a handsome piece of flesh. I have a mind too! Why do some females just treat us like we are a play thing! They use and abuse us until we are spent, then toss us to the side like yesterday's news paper.

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Typical woman, I have feelings ya know, I am not just a handsome piece of flesh. I have a mind too! Why do some females just treat us like we are a play thing! They use and abuse us until we are spent, then toss us to the side like yesterday's news paper.

This from a man who once thought that "waterjet" meant landing a Boeing 757 into a hot tub.

Let's just face it-- different people are gifted by the Lord to do different things. I illuminate deep thoughts through my brilliant, elucid writing, and you get confused by compound nouns and count on your looks to get by.

Self-Satifiedly Yours,

Handmaiden

[Larry Lee]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Frankly Brother, I would be more than a bit scared if I saw my late wife - she died over two years ago in a bizarre gardening accident, remember? - running around the house, juggling small objects or frozen Mora products with her unspeakables.

Well, it's not every True Christian™ wife who successfully masters the art of juggling, but those who do usually perform it in a supine position on their back, with their Lady Parts raised upward, via the aid of large cushion under their buttock.

[Sister Charli]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Oh dear. Unlike some I do not need diagrams. There are way too many visuals in this thread for an old maid like myself.

I will be back in a couple of hours. I need to go and have a cold shower to my prayer cupboard.

[James Dewitt]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I went back and reread the thread, I understand now
If you go at it from that angle is there not a chance that you could, um- err, find that you are in a strange place?

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Well, it's not every True Christian™ wife who successfully masters the art of juggling, but those who do usually perform it in a supine position on their back, with their Lady Parts raised upward, via the aid of large cushion under their buttock.

Now see, I get the pillow thing, like my other suggestion it promotes delivery of the package contents as close to the needed facility as possible. No hanging about in the foyer, straight back to the kitchen and just a jump into the oven.

My only concern is that there can be awkward moments of -- conversation, whilst the pillow is being adjusted. I, for one, find speaking during such uncomfortable moments is -- not to be too technical -- icky. Prayers to the Lord are acceptable, of course, but any other talking is just prolonging the ickiness.

I and my doctor still support both faces forward and nobody looks at anybody positions. (Blindfolds may be employed as an extra measure.) As pointed out before, there is less overall body contact, no possibility of lascivious kisses and that mythical little buzzy bud, which is (supposedly) just outside the foyer like some sort of door bell (press me and gain entrance at your leisure) doesn't get accidentally knocked or brushed over during the process.

Oh, sure, I've heard even weirder tales of G-spots and how different positions
"stimulate" different walls -- ( Wait a minute. Walls, foyers, kitchens-- Are we actually discussing houses right now or sex? I forgot.)

Okay, the point is that women (good, God-fearing, normal women) hate doing it like mammals. Men find it-- highly effective.

Good Christian wives are not supposed to like sex. Therefore, a good Christian husband serves God's procreative purpose and honors his helpmeet by minimizing her discomfiture. He gets it done quickly with the least amount of ickiness.

I speak as a woman who struggles to fend off the remaining tendrils of lust. The pillow and all that "training" tend to benefit women as much or even more than men.

Women need to be as uninvolved during sex as possible. It is the only way to protect the sancity of marriage and their sweet, but second-rate souls.

Soulfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I went back and reread the thread, I understand now
If you go at it from that angle is there not a chance that you could, um- err, find that you are in a strange place?

Do you know that there are about a million wildebeest roaming the Serengeti?
They were all conceived by dumb animals who found the right "route"!

I have confidence in you, Brother, dear. One false start and a hastily muttered "sorry" and you'll be in familiar territory. But remember, no talking after that!

Men really have nothing valid to say at that point and a woman's best bet for getting a good night's sleep is to shut up!

Genteelly Yours,

Handmaiden

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Oh dear. Unlike some I do not need diagrams. There are way too many visuals in this thread for an old maid like myself.

I will be back in a couple of hours. I need to go and have a cold shower to my prayer cupboard.

Warm showers of the correct vigor and pulse can also go a long way to exorcising the demon urges.

Helpfully Yours,

Handmaiden