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  • My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

    Hello darlings ,

    Though evident in the past while since I joined, we have our obvious differences, if there is one thing that's universal, we all cannot resist home baking, especially homemade, Gale-certified strawberry tart!

    Let me share my secret

    Gale Wendy-Force Hoaring's Delicious Homemade Irish Strawberry Tart

    1 and a quarter cup of AP flour - the first and foremost base to deflower this tart!
    4 tbs. of sweet, sweet sugar
    1/2 tsp of straight up saltiness
    6 sticks of warm, but firm butter
    2 tb. of lard, usually Baptist ladies have some to spare
    a dash of cinnamon and all-spic
    2 pints of strawberries hulled and heaved
    1/3 petroleum jelly to give it a little kick

    For the sweet cream

    5 large egg yolks, unfertilized
    2/4 cups of more sugar, baby!
    1 1/2 cup of hot milk
    A bit of starch and slash of Cognac, rum, and vodka in that order
    Squirt in a tablespoon of Irish cream and freshly churned butter


    1. Get the oven nice and hot, 375 F should do. Get your free 4 inch springform tart pan and combine the flour, salt and sugar....and mix and mix and get it all nice and mingled.

    2. Check for a pulse because we are going to pulsate that butter and shortening. And churn, and churn and add lots of water....lots of iced water. You want to hear about dark things at nice, you don't do it over a Bloody Caesar at brunch. Good? Now set it aside to chill out after all that pulsing.

    3. Now roll out the dough and don't over stretch it! It should be nice and stiff after being in the fridge. Bake for 20 minutes until its browner than the Mexican pool boy.

    4. Now, for the creamy finish. Get the sugar to sweeten up those eggs and beat it! Get it nice and thick and starch it up. Mix it nice and low and pour in your hot milk. It might look curdled but this is okay! It's normal. Just beat it with vigor, shake it all up. It will make a nice pudding. To loosen it up, slosh in all that booze. Get the pool boy to squeeze the custard out and pour into your tart crust.

    5. Glaze it with your spicy jelly, and serve at your next bake sale!

    Good eh? Try it now. It's bloody good tart!



  • #2
    Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

    It sounds strange... but what man can resist some strange when it's served up on a silver platter. I'll taste your nasty pie, just don't tell anyone
    If I have seen further, it is by standing on the heads of others.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

      Originally posted by GaleWhoring View Post
      Hello darlings ,

      Though evident in the past while since I joined, we have our obvious differences, if there is one thing that's universal, we all cannot resist home baking, especially homemade, Gale-certified strawberry tart!

      Let me share my secret

      Gale Wendy-Force Hoaring's Delicious Homemade Irish Strawberry Tart

      1 and a quarter cup of AP flour - the first and foremost base to deflower this tart!
      4 tbs. of sweet, sweet sugar
      1/2 tsp of straight up saltiness
      6 sticks of warm, but firm butter
      2 tb. of
      lard, usually Baptist ladies have some to spare
      a dash of cinnamon and all-spic
      2 pints of
      strawberries hulled and heaved
      1/3 petroleum jelly to give it a little kick

      For the sweet cream

      5 large egg yolks, unfertilized
      2/4 cups of more sugar, baby!
      1 1/2 cup of hot milk
      A bit of starch and slash of Cognac, rum, and vodka in that order
      Squirt in a tablespoon of Irish cream and freshly churned butter


      1. Get the oven nice and hot, 375 F should do. Get your free 4 inch springform tart pan and combine the flour, salt and sugar....and mix and mix and get it all nice and mingled.

      2. Check for a pulse because we are going to pulsate that butter and shortening. And churn, and churn and add lots of water....lots of iced water. You want to hear about dark things at nice, you don't do it over a Bloody Caesar at brunch. Good? Now set it aside to chill out after all that pulsing.

      3. Now roll out the dough and don't over stretch it! It should be nice and stiff after being in the fridge. Bake for 20 minutes until its browner than the Mexican pool boy.

      4. Now, for the creamy finish. Get the sugar to sweeten up those eggs and beat it! Get it nice and thick and starch it up. Mix it nice and low and pour in your hot milk. It might look curdled but this is okay! It's normal. Just beat it with vigor, shake it all up. It will make a nice pudding. To loosen it up, slosh in all that booze. Get the pool boy to squeeze the custard out and pour into your tart crust.

      5. Glaze it with your spicy jelly, and serve at your next bake sale!

      Good eh? Try it now. It's bloody good tart!


      I'm confused. The list of ingredients has things not listed on the directions. So what do we do with lard, cinnamon, and strawberries?


      God created fossils to test our faith.

      * * *

      My favorite LBC sermons:
      True Christians are Perfect!
      True Christian™ Love.
      Salvation™ made Easy!
      You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
      Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
      Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
      Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
      Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
      The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
      Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
      God HATES Rational Thinking!
      True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

        Oh my apologies, I wrote this off in a rush. I thought they'd be self-evident, but since not:

        Lard - chill till nice and firm and beat in slowly with your floury millieu. That's what gives it the pastry texture.

        cinnamon, I like to dash in at the same time you splash in the rum.

        all-spice I like to crush myself with a mortar and pestle, and mix in with the petroleum to make spice-jelly. If you really want to go big, add some gelignite which works like agar.

        The strawberries can be crushed with your feet which is the old Irish method. Take off your shoes first because you won't want the abscess of the outdoors in your tart.


        Best

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

          Originally posted by GaleWhoring View Post
          The strawberries can be crushed with your feet which is the old Irish method.
          Eww! I will never have any food of your making!

          That sounds more disgusting that Peruvian corn beer brewed using corn pre-chewed by old ladies!
          God created fossils to test our faith.

          * * *

          My favorite LBC sermons:
          True Christians are Perfect!
          True Christian™ Love.
          Salvation™ made Easy!
          You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
          Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
          Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
          Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
          Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
          The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
          Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
          God HATES Rational Thinking!
          True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

            Oh oh hush, you could handle it. The mixture of foot fungus enhances the fermentation process resulting in a poignant marriage with the alcohol when added. The final results are intoxicating. 😵 You must admit, the best tasting things have the most unusual preparation methods.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

              Does she mean it's made with fermented strawberries?

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                Yes! To strengthen the boozy kick

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                  Irish tart is an anagram of arthritis...
                  sigpic


                  “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

                  Author of such illuminating essays as,
                  Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                    Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
                    Irish tart is an anagram of arthritis...

                    I have a touch of that in the hips.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                      no wonder you need anæsthetising

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                        This sounds Delicious! I'll try the recipe!
                        God Bless you and have a wonderful day!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                          I'd like to point out that this thread is not posted to the right forum. Should be in Auntie Flo's Prayer Shack for Women.

                          That's so I don't have to see stuff like this.
                          May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                            Originally posted by Nobar King View Post
                            I'd like to point out that this thread is not posted to the right forum. Should be in Auntie Flo's Prayer Shack for Women.

                            That's so I don't have to see stuff like this.
                            Good idea indeed.
                            God created fossils to test our faith.

                            * * *

                            My favorite LBC sermons:
                            True Christians are Perfect!
                            True Christian™ Love.
                            Salvation™ made Easy!
                            You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                            Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                            Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                            Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                            Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                            The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                            Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                            God HATES Rational Thinking!
                            True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: My Irish tart recipe - It's bloody good!

                              Originally posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
                              Irish tart is an anagram of arthritis...
                              I had a hard time deciphering all the argot myself. The clue was the Bloody Caesar - only Canadians (frostbacks) down that swill.
                              Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
                              brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
                              ...and get off my lawn
                              sigpic

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