Tweet
My fellow citizens of Freehold, thank you for coming today. Jesus has called me to run for Mayor. I accept His call.
The mysterious death of beloved Mayor, Mitch Mitchell, makes us all wonder, "Why, and, who is next?" Then, there is the unrelenting attack on Landover Baptisit Church by thug-like Icelanders--attacks on our City's most holy and heterosexual institution.
I stand before you with information I am loath to reveal--but reveal it I must. The death of Mayor Mitchell and the attacks on Landover appear to have the same source.
I just returned from a secret trip to Iceland. There I met privately with Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir. I wanted to meet personally with PM Sigurdardottir because I had learned she is, may I be polite here, heterosexually challenged (HC). I suspected this was related to our problems here in Freehold.
During my meeting with PM Sigurdardottir, HC, I asked her repeatedly, "Do you know anything about the death of Mayor Mitchell and the attacks on Landover Baptist?" Each time, she would laugh and say, "Mr. Hold, let's have some more akvavit." Then, an aide would serve us my favorite, Norwegian Aalvorg.
But, she did let slip enough information to confirm my suspicions: Iceland has so many heterosexually challenged women (HC) that there is a shortage of straight pie-baking wives. And, the Christian women of Freehold are their target. The death of Mayor Mitchell made Mrs. Mitchell available for an Icelandic husband. I stand ready to fight for our women.
A very strange thing also happened during my visit with PM Sigurdardottir, HC. I mentioned in passing that a Mr. King was running for Mayor. PM Sigurdardottir, HC, replied, "Oh, you must mean Al." I asked her how she knew "Al". She replied, "Mr. Hold, let's have some more akvavit."
In closing, I must mention, reluctantly, something rather political. My worthy opponent, Alfred King, has said nothing about the threat from Iceland. He seems unconcerned about the welfare of our pie-baking wives.
I look forward to a spirited campaign. God bless you.
The mysterious death of beloved Mayor, Mitch Mitchell, makes us all wonder, "Why, and, who is next?" Then, there is the unrelenting attack on Landover Baptisit Church by thug-like Icelanders--attacks on our City's most holy and heterosexual institution.
I stand before you with information I am loath to reveal--but reveal it I must. The death of Mayor Mitchell and the attacks on Landover appear to have the same source.
I just returned from a secret trip to Iceland. There I met privately with Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir. I wanted to meet personally with PM Sigurdardottir because I had learned she is, may I be polite here, heterosexually challenged (HC). I suspected this was related to our problems here in Freehold.
During my meeting with PM Sigurdardottir, HC, I asked her repeatedly, "Do you know anything about the death of Mayor Mitchell and the attacks on Landover Baptist?" Each time, she would laugh and say, "Mr. Hold, let's have some more akvavit." Then, an aide would serve us my favorite, Norwegian Aalvorg.
But, she did let slip enough information to confirm my suspicions: Iceland has so many heterosexually challenged women (HC) that there is a shortage of straight pie-baking wives. And, the Christian women of Freehold are their target. The death of Mayor Mitchell made Mrs. Mitchell available for an Icelandic husband. I stand ready to fight for our women.
A very strange thing also happened during my visit with PM Sigurdardottir, HC. I mentioned in passing that a Mr. King was running for Mayor. PM Sigurdardottir, HC, replied, "Oh, you must mean Al." I asked her how she knew "Al". She replied, "Mr. Hold, let's have some more akvavit."
In closing, I must mention, reluctantly, something rather political. My worthy opponent, Alfred King, has said nothing about the threat from Iceland. He seems unconcerned about the welfare of our pie-baking wives.
I look forward to a spirited campaign. God bless you.
Comment