Introduction

[BaptistJohn]

"Tell us what church you go to"


- True Bible Baptist Church in Des Moines, Iowa



"and what your favorite Bible verse is"


- Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.



"and how you came to find Jesus."



- By opening up my King James Bible, reading it, humbly accepting everything it said, and practicing it. It was also helpful to have a nice Baptist Church in a neighborhood full of Godless Liberals. Lately, though, I've come to be disappointed. I asked my pastor what shape the earth is and he said it is round. He also has lately been letting some black people into our church without segregating them (that is, making them sit in the back seats)


I'm thinking I should just leave, and move to Freehold so that I can join y'all in your Landover Baptist Church. How far away is Freehold from Des Moines?

[Basilissa]

Re: Introduction

Hello and to our friendly forum, John!

You seem like a nice fellow, and I love your choice of favorite verse. Hebrew 13 is such a lovely chapter. My personal favorite is:

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

I bring it up any time some Social Justice Sunday Warrior brings up gender or racial inequalities. This verse shows that God frowns upon people who try to mess with the social order.

Anyway, Freehold is not too far from Des Moines, but you need to know that we are a gated community, so we don't let just anyone in.

I am looking forward to read more of your posts!

[BaptistJohn]

Re: Introduction

Hello and to our friendly forum, John!

You seem like a nice fellow, and I love your choice of favorite verse. Hebrew 13 is such a lovely chapter. My personal favorite is:

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

I bring it up any time some Social Justice Sunday Warrior brings up gender or racial inequalities. This verse shows that God frowns upon people who try to mess with the social order.

Anyway, Freehold is not too far from Des Moines, but you need to know that we are a gated community, so we don't let just anyone in.

I am looking forward to read more of your posts!

What exactly is the process for being let in through the gates of Freehold? Are they the same as the "gates of righteousness" mentioned in Psalm 118:19?

[Basilissa]

Re: Introduction

What exactly is the process for being let in through the gates of Freehold? Are they the same as the "gates of righteousness" mentioned in Psalm 118:19?

Who are you? I don't know you and I doubt any of my True Christian(tm) Brothers and Sisters know you. Freehold is a gated community; that means, we don't let some random strangers in.

[BaptistJohn]

Re: Introduction

Who are you? I don't know you and I doubt any of my True Christian™ Brothers and Sisters know you. Freehold is a gated community; that means, we don't let some random strangers in.

How can I get to know y'all (you and your True Christian™ Brothers and Sisters) so that I am not a random stranger anymore? I will say that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I hate living in Des Moines.

[Basilissa]

Re: Introduction

How can I get to know y'all (you and your True Christian™ Brothers and Sisters) so that I am not a random stranger anymore? I will say that I am willing to do whatever it takes. I hate living in Des Moines.

How about starting to show how much you love Jesus, and how well you know the Holy Bible, by participating right here on this forum?

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Introduction

Welcome to our friendly forums, dear! Tell us about yourself. What is your favorite way to rebuke sinners? How many children has your wife blessed you with? Does she work hard and keep you all clothed in scarlet like the Bible says a good wife does?

[Isabella White]

Re: Introduction

"Tell us what church you go to"

- True Bible Baptist Church in Des Moines, Iowa

"and what your favorite Bible verse is"

- Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.

"and how you came to find Jesus."

- By opening up my King James Bible, reading it, humbly accepting everything it said, and practicing it. It was also helpful to have a nice Baptist Church in a neighborhood full of Godless Liberals. Lately, though, I've come to be disappointed. I asked my pastor what shape the earth is and he said it is round. He also has lately been letting some black people into our church without segregating them (that is, making them sit in the back seats)

I'm thinking I should just leave, and move to Freehold so that I can join y'all in your Landover Baptist Church. How far away is Freehold from Des Moines?

Dear John: Greetings in ' precious Name, and to our assembly, here at . We are happy that you have found your way here to seek fellowship with us. I should mention that we are a "no nonsense" group of believers here. You will find that all of our Scriptural references come from the . We do not use any of those other watered-down versions, and we do not cherry-pick our favorite verses whilst ignoring others.

I'd like to leave you with a Scriptural verse of particular significance, and one that you must always remember: Romans 6:23 " For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." May richly bless you as you find here, at . We look forward to getting to know you! A blessed day to you, Dear. Sincerely, Isabella W.

[BaptistJohn]

Re: Introduction

Welcome to our friendly forums, dear! Tell us about yourself. What is your favorite way to rebuke sinners? How many children has your wife blessed you with? Does she work hard and keep you all clothed in scarlet like the Bible says a good wife does?

My favorite way to rebuke sinners is "before all, that others also may fear." (1 Timothy 5:20)


I have not yet been blessed with a wife or children. Every single woman I have tried courting here in Des Moines turns out to fall in either one or several of these categories:


1) She refuses to call me "my lord" (in violation of Genesis 18:12, 1 Peter 3:6)


2) She either has a job or career outside the home, or refuses to do all of the household chores (in violation of Titus 2:5)


3) She wears pants rather than modest skirts and dresses (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:5, 1 Timothy 2:9)


4) She is not a virgin (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:20-21)


5) She believes in the totally absurd concept of "marital rape" (in violation of 1 Corinthians 7:4-5)


6) She gets her hair cut, or refuses to cover it (in violation of 1 Corinthians 11:5-15)


7) She is older than me, or refuses to obey and submit to me (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18)


8) She refuses to accept my spankings as an act of love (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:19, Proverbs 13:24, Hebrews 12:6, Revelation 3:19)

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Introduction

1) She refuses to call me "my lord" (in violation of Genesis 18:12, 1 Peter 3:6)

The first verse merely says that Sarah called Abraham her lord, and the second says that she called him that because she obeyed him. While women do have to obey their husbands as their lord (Ephesians 5:22-24), nowhere does God stipulate that they must refer to their husbands as "my lord."

2) She either has a job or career outside the home, or refuses to do all of the household chores (in violation of Titus 2:5)

You weren't trying to make her do all of the household chores, were you? Things like mowing and reshingling are men's work far beyond the cognitive capabilities of a mere female. Women are to perform the chores inside the house.

3) She wears pants rather than modest skirts and dresses (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:5, 1 Timothy 2:9)


4) She is not a virgin (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:20-21)

Now these are indeed valid problems, but they are ones endemic in modern secular society.

5) She believes in the totally absurd concept of "marital rape" (in violation of 1 Corinthians 7:4-5)

How on earth did this topic come up in conversation with your date?

6) She gets her hair cut, or refuses to cover it (in violation of 1 Corinthians 11:5-15)

Are you a Muslim or something? The verse says her hair must be covered while she "prays or prophesies," not all the time. If she doesn't cover her hair in church, she's going to Hell, but if she goes bare-headed in public, that's acceptable.

7) She is older than me, or refuses to obey and submit to me (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18)

Those verses don't say she has to be younger than you. However, she certainly does have to submit.

8) She refuses to accept my spankings as an act of love (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:19, Proverbs 13:24, Hebrews 12:6, Revelation 3:19)

Proverbs 13:24 tells you to spank your children, not your wife. Also, you have to be married to her first. And Hebrews 12:6 refers to the relationship between the Lord and His followers, NOT between husband and wife. Are you calling yourself God? That is a grave sin (Isaiah 45:5). Enjoy Hell, sinner.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: Introduction

My favorite way to rebuke sinners is "before all, that others also may fear." (1 Timothy 5:20)


I have not yet been blessed with a wife or children. Every single woman I have tried courting here in Des Moines turns out to fall in either one or several of these categories:


1) She refuses to call me "my lord" (in violation of Genesis 18:12, 1 Peter 3:6)


2) She either has a job or career outside the home, or refuses to do all of the household chores (in violation of Titus 2:5)


3) She wears pants rather than modest skirts and dresses (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:5, 1 Timothy 2:9)


4) She is not a virgin (in violation of Deuteronomy 22:20-21)


5) She believes in the totally absurd concept of "marital rape" (in violation of 1 Corinthians 7:4-5)


6) She gets her hair cut, or refuses to cover it (in violation of 1 Corinthians 11:5-15)


7) She is older than me, or refuses to obey and submit to me (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18)


8) She refuses to accept my spankings as an act of love (in violation of Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:19, Proverbs 13:24, Hebrews 12:6, Revelation 3:19)

I must say it is heartwarming to see a young person taking an interest in decent standards.

Now (and this is not a trick question): what is the greatest threat to America and Jesus?

YIC

[James Hutchins]

Re: Introduction

Hi John and welcome to our freindly forum, where like minded people gather to share in the glory.
Moving to Landover is not easy. Nor should it be, like the Labors of Herakles, you must prove your mettle.

1. Get sponsored. You do not ask for a sponsor, ever! A sponsor chooses you.
2. File sponsor agreements, along with the fees to the sponsor, Church, HOA and to the Pastor who will counter sign.
3. Do what is asked of you
4. Prove you are a decent, Christian man that God would approve of.
5. Provide multiple events (you must pay for) to entertain and show all the Church members the kind of person you really are
6. Have all your children interviewed extensively by Pastor Ezekiel and Youth Minister Marty.

There is more, Miss Cookie in the Church office can provide you with the packet after to submit the request and pay the postage and handling fees.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Introduction

I will say that I am willing to do whatever it takes.

I am glad to hear that! Please donate a significant amount of money to our church and post the receipt here as proof. We also need a picture of you holding your Bible. I believe today's useless youth refers to this as a "selfie".

[Isabella White]

Re: Introduction

I am glad to hear that! Please donate a significant amount of money to our church and post the receipt here as proof. We also need a picture of you holding your Bible. I believe today's useless youth refers to this as a "selfie".

Amen, Brother Cranky. Amen, and Amen! And may I please add also that our new friend must take his photo whilst holding a . I believe I did mention in my welcoming statement to him that we do not use any of those watered-down versions, so he must rely only on the . So, BaptistJohn, I hope you will read this and comply, as commanded by our .
II Timothy 2:15 "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."
A blessed evening to you, Brother Cranky. Sincerely, Isabella W.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Introduction

I have not yet been blessed with a wife or children. Every single woman I have tried courting here in Des Moines turns out to fall in either one or several of these categories:

That is unfortunate, dear. Have you tried praying?