[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

So can Michael Jackson.



It doesn't prove anything. You could've been using this for all we know:


I'm glad you see the distinction, but you're on a slippery slope that goes directly into HELL!!! Just drop the subject please. Any further mention of the Lord Jesus Christ appearing on toast by you will be taken as an implicit affirmation of Papist beliefs on your part.



Good self-awareness, but definitely a premature use of the past tense.



You need to respect the Bible, son. Next time use a belt, a riding crop, a car antenna, or something along those lines. Not the Good Book.


Pics or it didn't happen (Exodus 23:1). We need to see this alleged toast to ascertain the facts in this case. As it is, I can see three possibilities:

1. The toast looks like Jesus. Therefore, you married a Godless harlot liberal (possibly even a high yellow negress) who supports black nationalism and endorses the false belief that our lord Jesus was a blubber-lipped coon by lying about the toast. If this is the case, you must do your utmost (including physical correction) to convert her to the straight and narrow path (1 Corinthians 7:12-14). If she divorces you, this is also acceptable (1 Corinthians 7:15). Continuing marriage to her as a heathen is NOT acceptable (2 Corinthians 6:14). Hit her until she makes a choice.
2. The toast looks like Obama (or any spook, they really all do look alike). Therefore, your behavior was unacceptable and wrathful, as I enumerated in a previous post. In this case, your wife correctly said the toast looks like Bongo, whereupon you attacked her for blasphemy where no blasphemy occurred (because Jesus was not mentioned by her), and you are the party in the wrong.
3. The toast looks like toast. You're both idiots.

Whether or not your wife indeed equated The Lord Thy God Jesus Christ Almighty with a jig, for someone to do so is indeed a grave sin. The Bible tells us that Jesus is Aryan in appearance (Revelation 1:14). Thus there is conclusive proof that Jesus is white, and yet no indication whatsoever that he is negro. There is nary a mention of Jesus smoking weed, breakdancing, eating watermelon, rapping, drinking Hennessy, or performing drive-by shootings. God is not mocked (Galatians 6:7)!

All right - you win. I have not found Jesus yet. I need to keep looking. But where exactly should I look? If toast is not the right place, then why did Jesus say "I am the bread of life"? Also, why did he use bread to symbolize his body at the Last Supper?


Where, might I ask, were you looking when you found Jesus?

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

All right - you win. I have not found Jesus yet. I need to keep looking. But where exactly should I look? If toast is not the right place, then why did Jesus say "I am the bread of life"? Also, why did he use bread to symbolize his body at the Last Supper?

Hey Muff, are you familiar with the concept of a "parable?" Jesus really liked them.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

Hey Muff, are you familiar with the concept of a "parable?" Jesus really liked them.

Yeah, but at the Last Supper, didn't Jesus say "this do in remembrance of me"? How does the Landover Baptist Church interpret that? I always thought it meant something like "Keep toasting your English muffins, and I will imprint my face on them, and that is how you will find me."


But now that I think about it, these words are not found in my King James Bible, so that can't be what it means. How does the Landover Baptist Church interpret the commandment of Jesus, "this do in remembrance of me"?

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: My Introduction

Yeah, but at the Last Supper, didn't Jesus say "this do in remembrance of me"? How does the Landover Baptist Church interpret that? I always thought it meant something like "Keep toasting your English muffins, and I will imprint my face on them, and that is how you will find me."

You need to bear in mind that English muffins (which are neither English nor what the English call muffins, fact fans!) had not been invented at the time.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

You need to bear in mind that English muffins (which are neither English nor what the English call muffins, fact fans!) had not been invented at the time.

Good point. So now I'm wondering: What bread did Jesus use at the Last Supper, according to the Landover Baptist Church?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: My Introduction

Good point. So now I'm wondering: What bread did Jesus use at the Last Supper, according to the Landover Baptist Church?

Cornbread.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

Cornbread.

Of course. That explains why our King James Bible tells us that the disciples were plucking ears of corn on the Sabbath. Historians must be lying when they say that corn is an Injun crop.


Now I'm wondering: Where should I look for Jesus? How will I know when I have found him? How did you come to find him?

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: My Introduction

Of course. That explains why our King James Bible tells us that the disciples were plucking ears of corn on the Sabbath. Historians must be lying when they say that corn is an Injun crop.

Injuns are too lazy and stupid to plant crops. That's why they roamed around eating bugs and roots and shooting the occasional buffalo, and never settled down to build cities. That's why Jesus chose Israel instead of Delaware or Oklahoma or Peru.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: My Introduction

Good point. So now I'm wondering: What bread did Jesus use at the Last Supper, according to the Landover Baptist Church?

I should think the LORD would have used Sara Lee, but I think Jesus predates that company by over 1000 years. Their brioche is heavenly.


It doesn't take much research to find which bread was used at that time frame. Do you expect us, busy True Christians(TM), to do all the footwork for you? I have not yet added you to my prayer list because I doubt your sincerityness. I will, however, put you on notice that Pastor Ezekiel frowns upon such God mocking.

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

Speaking of Ezekiels, Ezekiel bread is such a delicious recipe, when followed to the letter:
Ezekiel 4:9-12
9 Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.
10 And thy meat which thou shalt eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day: from time to time shalt thou eat it.
11 Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time shalt thou drink.
12 And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

[Vengeance Puriel]

Re: My Introduction

All right - you win. I have not found Jesus yet. I need to keep looking. But where exactly should I look? If toast is not the right place, then why did Jesus say "I am the bread of life"? Also, why did he use bread to symbolize his body at the Last Supper?


Where, might I ask, were you looking when you found Jesus?

How about the KING JAMES BIBLE 1611, I hear its a great place to start .

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

How about the KING JAMES BIBLE 1611, I hear its a great place to start .

I have read through my entire King James Bible cover to cover twice.


What should I do next?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: My Introduction

I have read through my entire King James Bible cover to cover twice.

You also need to read the stuff in between.

[MuffinMan]

Re: My Introduction

You also need to read the stuff in between.

I have read the stuff in between the covers. Twice.


So I ask once again: What should I do next?


I really want to find Jesus as soon as possible.

[Basilissa]

Re: My Introduction

I have read the stuff in between the covers. Twice.

So I ask once again: What should I do next?

You didn't find all the commandments which are there helpful? Maybe you need to sit down and read again. Here is an excellent cheat sheet by Brother Cranky, containing the must-read list where you should start.