[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Proving cats do NOT have 9 lives.

Hello everyone and welcome again to Landover Vivisection Laboratory where Biblical Science (BS) sets out to confirm God’s Word and dispel heathen myths.

I received an interesting and thought provoking letter the other day from The RevrgGreen (TC™), the gist of which I reproduce below:

Brother Bathfire, I was very excited to read your thread on Vivisection, and I was wondering - have you tested yet to dis-prove these wiccan lies that cats have 9 lives?

It would be an easy test to do. Just take, say, 100 cats of varying ages and varying breeds (you never know how many lives each of them has left - if this 'myth' is true). And shoot each one of them in the head.

If none survive, we would need to check whether the gun-shot method was a reliable method of testing. (What if cats were allergic to bullets). Take another 100 cats, and this time stab each one of them through the heart, and see if any survive.

The same procedure can be repeated for burning, electronic shock, sawing off their heads with a hack-saw, and beating their skull in with a hammer.

I'd say all-in-all you should use at least 500-1000 cats, to get any sort of accurate result.

If NONE of them survive, we can confirm that cats only have ONE LIFE. Therefore, there is NOTHING special about these filthy creatures at all.

The RevrgGreen (TC™) asked a most pertinent question: “Does a Cat have 9 lives?” Wickerans, Goths and Witches would have you believe so, but nowhere in the Bible does it mention anything of what would be an amazing fact.

THE PREPARATION:
By posing as potential owners, we approached 300 Cat Rescue Centers in the area and managed to secure for free 1000 cats in varying states of health. We divided these into 9 groups of 99, the remaining 109 we put into the industrial blender for food for the subjects.

At the end of each experiment, each body was kicked to see if life had departed – we were satisfied to 97% that it had.

THE EXPERIMENTS:
Group A were force-fed lead until the toxicity overcame them. We noted that all survived until a dose of 1½oz had been ingested. The survivors were put into the industrial blender for food for the remaining subjects.

We thus placed group B in a walled compound and shot them with soft-nosed bullets of less than 1½oz – all died.

By reference to group A, we knew that death was not caused by ingestion of lead, but by traumatic injury, even where just the back part of the cat was blown away and it simply died.

Nephew Zebulun pointed out that most cats die in accidents, so for the rest of the experiments, we devised typical accidents.

For group C, we suspended an anvil (Isa:41:7) over a plate of food. When the cat ate, the anvil was released.

87 were killed outright, 11 received crushing injuries, which, untreated, lead to death at a maximum of 12 days. The final subject had only the tail crushed and despite making an unholy row, was placed aside.

Group D were individually fired from makeshift cannon into the path of a speeding vehicle. The results had to be discarded as it was found that they disintegrated due to the power of the explosion.

Group E took their place, the power lowered and again the results had to be discarded as the cats sort of broke apart even if they merely hit the side of the vehicle.

Group F were successfully fired. 47 were squashed by wheels, 8 were splattered by the fenders and grill, 31 died of injuries received as they hit the road, 12 died of injuries at a maximum of 5 days. One survived and was put aside.

Group G were dipped in petrol and set alight. We attempted to set them alight individually, but you’ve no idea how difficult this is and once one started to go up and run around, the rest really caught on. We think we found all 99 charred bodies. This experiment was the only one that caused any noticeable pain; Zebulun stubbed his toe, fell over and grazed his knee as we ran off from the conflagration.

Group H had their paws nailed to the floor and, by use of the nails, were used to complete a 500 volt circuit. None survived. Group H was troublesome. Two cats gave birth thus upping the numbers to 114 and nailing one day old kittens to the ground is extremely tiresome.

Group I had bricks tied to their tails and thrown in boiling water. None survived, although one of them managed to loose itself from the brick and squealed for over 3 minutes. Do you know that the skin actually peels from them in boiling water? Well, that’s a bit more science you now know.

This meant that of the 981 originals, 2 survived, so we killed them with a hammer.

CONCLUSION:
It seems that all cats that died, died only once. We can therefore say that a Cat has ONE LIFE ONLY and that Wickers, Witches and Goths are believers in pure superstition.

As no experiment is complete without pictures, here’s a few to show what hard work Biblical Science is!

[Bobby-Joe]

This is a godly and impressive example of Christian Science. Brother.

Most impressive.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Wiccans do not believe that cats literally have nine lives -in fact, that particular belief is not a part of Wiccan thealogy at all.
It's merely an old adage that came about as a result of people observing cats' agility, speed, and athletic grace, which enables them to climb to and jump from high places without injuring themselves.

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Maggoty Old Crone

Wiccans do not believe that cats literally have nine lives -in fact, that particular belief is not a part of Wiccan thealogy at all.
It's merely an old adage that came about as a result of people observing cats' agility, speed, and athletic grace, which enables them to climb to and jump from high places without injuring themselves.

Oh here we go with the apologetics. Funny, the moment one of your cult's assertions get disproved we get to hear how it was all a "metaphor". Surprise, surprise.

[revrggreen]

Originally Posted by Maggoty Old Crone

Wiccans do not believe that cats literally have nine lives -in fact, that particular belief is not a part of Wiccan thealogy at all.

I'm sorry, but from my own research, wiccans DO indeed believe cats have 9 lives. You would be foolish to deny this! That is why I asked our good Brother Bathfire, Christian Vivisectionist, to conduct these important and significant experiments.

I would like to also take this opportunity to deny any and all rumors of Landover cat-holocaust, and state categorically that these were necessary and vital tests, aimed at disproving Centuries of evil Wiccan lies.

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Brother, have you thought of a way of using this cat research into testing if women have a soul? Some sort of "what would happen if?" Then it could maybe migrate into nigletesses or whatever the term for these creatures is:

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Maggoty Old Crone

Wiccans do not believe that cats literally have nine lives -in fact, that particular belief is not a part of Wiccan thealogy at all.
It's merely an old adage that came about as a result of people observing cats' agility, speed, and athletic grace, which enables them to climb to and jump from high places without injuring themselves.

Well, that’s quite amazing. I think it brings to the fore that Wickers will lie unashamedly to prevent their evil ways from being exposed for the fraud they are.

I just chanced upon the following sites
This one
This one
This one (second post)
This one

there’s even a book on it

Never forget people, Wickers and witches and Goths believe cats have 9 lives! How ridiculuous – what arrant superstition and ignorance! They even expect you to believe a book, merely because it's written down, they think it is some sort of authority! How easily are people taken in by stupid myths!

You’ve seen the experiments, now you have to admit – Cats have one life and one life only!

Next they will say that Wickers don’t eat babies!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire

Well, that’s quite amazing. I think it brings to the fore that Wickers will lie unashamedly to prevent their evil ways from being exposed for the fraud they are.

I just chanced upon the following sites
This one
This one
This one (second post)
This one

there’s even a book on it

Only one of those actually mentions cats having nine lives, and it doesn't say that it is meant literally.


Never forget people, Wickers and witches and Goths believe cats have 9 lives! How ridiculuous – what arrant superstition and ignorance! They even expect you to believe a book, merely because it's written down, they think it is some sort of authority! How easily are people taken in by stupid myths!

Like your Bible?


You’ve seen the experiments, now you have to admit – Cats have one life and one life only!

Next they will say that Wickers don’t eat babies!

Wicker is woven reeds. Reeds do not eat people. Nor do Wiccans.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Ezekiel Bathfire: Never forget people, Wickers and witches and Goths believe cats have 9 lives! How ridiculous – what arrant superstition and ignorance! They even expect you to believe a book, merely because it's written down, they think it is some sort of authority! How easily are people taken in by stupid myths!

MaggottyOldCrone Like your Bible?

Absolutely typical – can’t provide an answer so resorts to illogicalities! Hello! KJV1611 was written at God’s dictation! It’s the nearest they could get to in those days to an .mp3 file.

Ezekiel Bathfire: You’ve seen the experiments, now you have to admit – Cats have one life and one life only!
Next they will say that Wickers don’t eat babies!

MaggottyOldCrone: Wicker is woven reeds. Reeds do not eat people. Nor do Wiccans.

What did I tell you? I said you’d deny it! Comparing yourself to a woven basket is no defense!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire

Absolutely typical – can’t provide an answer so resorts to illogicalities! Hello! KJV1611 was written at God’s dictation! It’s the nearest they could get to in those days to an .mp3 file.

Your Bible is an anthology of part Jewish history, part recycled Pagan myth, part erotic poetry, and part fable compiled by a first-century committee with a political agenda.

What did I tell you? I said you’d deny it! Comparing yourself to a woven basket is no defense!

I didn't compare myself to a basket - I merely corrected your word usage, and rebutted your attempt at slander.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Dr. Santiago Solo

Brother, have you thought of a way of using this cat research into testing if women have a soul? Some sort of "what would happen if?" Then it could maybe migrate into nigletesses or whatever the term for these creatures is:

Ah, Brother Dr. Santiago Solo, I’ve been following the discussion on woman’s soul very closely, as yet the discussion is open. You will know that science is not democratic and although the discussion is at a typical Landover high level, the vote has not aided me.

The migration of a soul is discussed here. You will note that the author did not find favour in Origen’s teachings, but equally failed to provide any scientific research.

Origen would lead one to believe that there was a possibility that the human soul could migrate to, say, a cat and then, from the cat back to another human – even a woman.

The difficulty here is that if women already had 1/350th of a soul, this would give them a soul greater than a man.

Clearly, in view of Eve’s directly causing the Downfall, this would be against God and a Satanic work. So, regardless of how interesting it might be, I will leave this for a time at which there is certainty.

On the other hand if the soul migrated from the cat to a man, he would have 2 souls – this cannot be reconciled with Scripture. In any case, it would require 2 lots of Salvation for no added benefit.

So I am unable to help presently, but many thanks for your enquiry – I never imagined that BS would be so interesting to others.

PS the young child is a “Piccaninny”

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Maggoty Old Crone

Your Bible is an anthology of part Jewish history, part recycled Pagan myth, part erotic poetry, and part fable compiled by a first-century committee with a political agenda.

As a pure matter of fact, it is the inerrant Word of God as relayed to holy scribes at the time of KJV (Why am I writing in purple? Woman! You're a witch!)

I didn't compare myself to a basket - I merely corrected your word usage, and rebutted your attempt at slander.

And just what has this got to do with Biblical Science? You're derailing another thread.

Now, for the final time, do you now, as a result of the above experiments, concede and agree that a cat has but one life?

PS rather than write replies within the original quote, why not, for the sake of clarity use [ quote] and [/quote] either side of the passage you wish to quote? In the post above, if, before you had started with your diatribe, you had typed [quote] and the same but with a / after the final word of your rant, then I would have had an easier life.

[Nobar King]

Brother Bathfire, your experiment reminded me of a story I had seen on the local news. I thought I had seen a cat fall out of a tree before, so I looked on youTube and found several 'cat falls out of tree and survives' videos. I linked to some of them below. It's possible that you didn't include the wrong accident in your testing criteria. Maybe you should consider this phenomenon regarding the longevity of felines.

Cat Falls From Tree


cat fall 80 feet from tree


Cat falls out of tree

This black cat thought it could make it.

Cat falls from tree

cat "Fat Tire" is making her big movie debut in "Out on a Limb" See the action packed short preview....cat kitten tree

Family On Cat's 80-Foot Fall

how their cat, Piper, got stuck in a tree for several days, then finally got down by falling 80 feet

Cat In A Tree

[SUV]

But we know who does have 9 Lives: Maggoty Old Crone.

And there Lord & Saviour JESUS only had two. Doesn't seem fair

[revrggreen]

Brother Bathfire,

Might I enquire if there are any trainee-positions available within your Vivisection Labs?

It seems my youngest daughter saw your postings on the subject, and was quite taken with them. Though she is only 12 years old, she quite the little scientist! I came home early yesterday afternoon, to the sounds of howling and screams from our backyard! When I went round to see what was happening, I was met with the sight of my little darling covered in blood, grinning wildly, with a severed dog's head in her hand. She looked so pleased with herself!

It seems that she rounded up all the stray dogs from the neighborhood, and began experimenting on them. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied -

"Trying to teach an old dog new tricks, daddy!"

Don't children say the funniest things!

It certainly had me laughing. I was very proud of my little sweetheart. Especially with the severe lack of surgical equipment or decent laboratory conditions at her disposal. Armed with only a handful of kitchen knives, a box of rusty farm-tools, rope, and a blow-torch, she had managed to carry out well over 14 successful vivisection-tests! Praise!

In one experiment, she used a rusty hack-saw to saw 4 legs off a dog, before sewing them back on the wrong way round - to see if the dog could still walk!

In another, she cut a dogs head open, removed it's brains, and replaced them with doll-parts, jelly, broken glass and spagetti-hoops - to see if it would still work!

While in her other experiments she - Tied a fire-cracker to a dog's face, and blew one side of it clean off! Cut open a dog's stomach, and replaced it's intestines with baby-toys and old boots! Dipped a dog's head in gasoline, and set it alight! And she even gouged out a dog's eyes with a screw-driver, and hung it from a tree! Glory! She certainly was a busy girl! My darling little vivisectionist!

I'm so proud of her right now! Though I'm not sure what any of these 'tests' had to do with teaching 'old dogs new tricks', she assured me her experiments had been a complete success! Praise!

Here are some pictures of her work -

[SUV]

GOD, I just love a Man in a Lab Coat! Might I assist in any way?

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by revrggreen

Brother Bathfire,

Might I enquire if there are any trainee-positions available within your Vivisection Labs?

It seems my youngest daughter saw your postings on the subject, and was quite taken with them. Though she is only 12 years old, she quite the little scientist! I came home early yesterday afternoon, to the sounds of howling and screams from our backyard! When I went round to see what was happening, I was met with the sight of my little darling covered in blood, grinning wildly, with a severed dog's head in her hand. She looked so pleased with herself!

It seems that she rounded up all the stray dogs from the neighborhood, and began experimenting on them. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied -

"Trying to teach an old dog new tricks, daddy!"

Don't children say the funniest things!

It certainly had me laughing. I was very proud of my little sweetheart. Especially with the severe lack of surgical equipment or decent laboratory conditions at her disposal. Armed with only a handful of kitchen knives, a box of rusty farm-tools, rope, and a blow-torch, she had managed to carry out well over 14 successful vivisection-tests! Praise!

In one experiment, she used a rusty hack-saw to saw 4 legs off a dog, before sewing them back on the wrong way round - to see if the dog could still walk!

In another, she cut a dogs head open, removed it's brains, and replaced them with doll-parts, jelly, broken glass and spagetti-hoops - to see if it would still work!

While in her other experiments she - Tied a fire-cracker to a dog's face, and blew one side of it clean off! Cut open a dog's stomach, and replaced it's intestines with baby-toys and old boots! Dipped a dog's head in gasoline, and set it alight! And she even gouged out a dog's eyes with a screw-driver, and hung it from a tree! Glory! She certainly was a busy girl! My darling little vivisectionist!

I'm so proud of her right now! Though I'm not sure what any of these 'tests' had to do with teaching 'old dogs new tricks', she assured me her experiments had been a complete success! Praise!

Well, I’m amazed! Here was I thinking that Zebulun and I were sitting in a quiet backwater of Landover, going about our Godly calling with little hope of anything other than the possibility of some minor recognition from the Biblical Science Society and less hope of finding amanuenses to help with the demanding work, and suddenly I have 2 offers on my plate. Well, what can I do but accept them.

Firstly, Revrggreen, I’m impressed with your daughter’s curiosity and her fearless approach to animals. Let me tell you that the experiment of cutting a dog’s legs off and replacing them backwards, was not performed until 1879 and that was under the leadership of the great Professor Ebenezer Caulthwaite here at Landover.

The experiment in which the intestines are exposed is very reminiscent of 2Ch:21:19: And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. And his people made no burning for him, like the burning of his fathers. Here the problem was to see if losing one’s bowels did lead to death or was it merely a Godly curse? This eventually led to the discovery that, as we are all made by God in His Image, Blood types, tissue types, etc., are all irrelevant and that if things start to go wrong, the answer is to pray fervently.

Anyway, I’m going into much too much detail, send the little scientist along and we will let her get started on a few cats we have left over. I’d be obliged if you could teach her to use an electric drill and a chainsaw.

PS I like the photographs, very professional!

Originally Posted by SUV

GOD, I just love a Man in a Lab Coat! Might I assist in any way?

Dear SUV, I am only too pleased to have you on board. We will be requiring an assistant capable of stunning meercats (mothers and infants) with a taser, securing them to the table and then discovering which part of the brain governs the maternal instinct. (1 Kings 3:16-28 The Judgement of Solomon).

White cotton coats come with the territory and because of the heat in the laboratory; you would not be expected to wear any other clothing, neither Zebulun nor I do.

I’m afraid though that the salary may not meet your standards and the hours are long. At your level, Landover cannot offer more than $90,000 p.a. for a 27 hour week. On the plus side, there are 2 cars at your disposal and 42 days paid holiday a year.

If you are happy with this, why not give me a call to arrange an appointment and a quick training session? It shouldn’t take more than an hour to get you up to speed.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Originally Posted by Nobar King

Brother Bathfire, your experiment reminded me of a story I had seen on the local news. I thought I had seen a cat fall out of a tree before, so I looked on youTube and found several 'cat falls out of tree and survives' videos. I linked to some of them below. It's possible that you didn't include the wrong accident in your testing criteria. Maybe you should consider this phenomenon regarding the longevity of felines.

Brother Nobar, I thank you for your interest in Biblical Science (BS). I take your point with the problem of the type of accidents to which cats often succumb. As you see from the above posts, I now may have 2 more assistants who will be able to help broaden out research.

I delayed my reply until I had closely examined the footage supplied and found sufficient cats. On the first point, (i) it struck me was that the animal was filmed up a tree and (ii) the first thing that struck the creature was the ground.

But did you notice that the creature landed on its back? Now, it is God’s Law that cats fall on their feet (see Creelton et al “The Consistency of Falling Cats” Landover Press 1804 vol. 4 pp 1210 – 1398.) So, was it a cat or not or was it an exception and can we improve on Creelton’s experiment?

There being no tree immediately to hand, we took 30 cats to the top of St Peter’s in Landover Catholic Cathedrals Desecration Arcade and lowered a steel hawser to the ground. This was secured at the base and the cats were threaded one by one onto to wire through the abdomen and out through the back. This ensured that they would slide down the wire and fall on their feet.

Unfortunately, several strands of the wire had frayed half-way down, and these caused the first cat to stick. We sent further cats down to dislodge it but they all stuck above.

Well there was much yowling and a lot of fighting 150 foot up there in the air and a party of visiting schoolgirls ran off thinking Catlik Devils had arrived a la Revelations (many-headed beasts and all that.)

So until we can get a few more cats and a length of better wire, I’ve placed this on the back burner.

Below is the only photo we have of the cat going down the wire.

[LyingDingDong]

I'm going to ignore the pointless studies you carry out and the fact that you are debunking myths that you already know the answers to and the hate you have to God's creatures. But I just want to ask one question: How do you get away with such immoral animal experiments? Aren't there laws that protect animal cruelty?

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Originally Posted by LyingDingDong

Aren't there laws that protect animal cruelty?

Yes, Freehold is one of the only counties in the United States to have such laws. Praise Jesus!