[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

I just wanted to drop in and let you all know that I haven't forgotten about my church family, but have been really busy over the holidays taking in vagrants and rowdy children making scenes in the mall.

Officer Don, I'm glad you mentioned this problem of rowdy children at the mall. I don't think that anything upsets me more than when these young punks come careening through the mall on their skateboards. Of course, there are rules against skateboarding in public places, but the elderly shopping mall security guards are in no condition to catch violators.

Of course, they could take them out with a hunting rifle, but there's always the risk that they'll miss and hit an innocent bystander, which would invite a lawsuit. So I guess firearms are not the answer.

What do you think about stringing a length of piano wire across the areas where the punks skateboard? I'd even pay good money to see that.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

What do you think about stringing a length of piano wire across the areas where the punks skateboard? I'd even pay good money to see that.

America's next "Reality" show!

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2009

People just do not know how to drive on snow and ice.

Main street has been taken good care of by our Godly city workers, but some of the residential areas still need some work.

I was on patrol this morning, and I was just rolling down 12th street, when I got a call to go to a fender bender two streets over. Great I thought, another mormon who doesn't know how to cope with a little ice.

Well, I turned around and was getting ready to respond when somehow I ended up rear-ending a very poorly parked Dodge truck. It was probably one of the worst parallel parking jobs I'd ever seen, and you know how wide those trucks are anyway. I stepped out to write them a ticket and let them know that they should not expect the FPD to pay for their mistake.

After leaving the ticket in the windshield wipers, I got back in the cruiser and set it in reverse. Unfortunately, I think the accelerator stuck, and I ended up backing into a Lincoln that was also badly parked. I was getting pretty frustrated at this point because now I had to write another ticket, get out in the cold and plaster it to the windshield, and then get to the scene of the accident I said I would be at within five minutes.

Well, I got to the scene, and just as I suspected, some idiot who doesn't know how to drive a car on snow and ice had plowed into the back of another idiot.

It was a pretty stressful morning, but lucrative for the city. When I got back to the station, chief said to take the rest of the day off, which I am doing. (With pay, of course.)

EDIT: I've been home for 20 minutes and I just realized that Vickie is not here. WHERE IS SHE?!

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

EDIT: I've been home for 20 minutes and I just realized that Vickie is not here. WHERE IS SHE?!

Gee, Ofc Don, I think it's actually been something like two months, now.....

Poor Man. Being kept so busy policing the secular that your Family Life is Suffering

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

I've been home for 20 minutes and I just realized that Vickie is not here. WHERE IS SHE?!

Gee, Ofc Don, I think it's actually been something like two months, now.....

Poor Man. Being kept so busy policing the secular that your Family Life is Suffering

Yeah, work can be hectic and family life can suffer as a result. But I have to sympathize with Officer Don. My wife was gone for three years before I noticed.

I also got a couple of kids..can't remember their names right off-hand. Anyway, I haven't seen them around for awhile either. I wonder where they're at?

Right now, I'm on vacation in Cambodia for the Christmas holidays. When I get back to Hong Kong next week, I'll have to ask my security people to see if they can locate my family. Thanks for reminding me, Sister SUV.



Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred, promoting family values in Cambodia

[Noah Dint]

Re: Policing Freehold

Those are your body guards? They don't look very dangerous to me. They actually look like they may promote bad entities to approach you.

Hmmmmmm.

-ND

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

Those are your body guards? They don't look very dangerous to me. They actually look like they may promote bad entities to approach you.

Hmmmmmm.

-ND

Erh, those are my students. We were having a good laugh about something funny in the Bible. Erh, you know, that part about the snake eating an apple, or something like that.

This is one of my body guards. She was teaching me how to use a whip to defend myself:



Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred

[Noah Dint]

Re: Policing Freehold

Erh, those are my students. We were having a good laugh about something funny in the Bible. Erh, you know, that part about the snake eating an apple, or something like that.

This is one of my body guards. She was teaching me how to use a whip to defend myself:



Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred

I'm with you Brother Fred. Praise the Lord!

-ND

[Gabriel Reproba]

Re: Policing Freehold

I just wanted to drop in and let you all know that I haven't forgotten about my church family, but have been really busy over the holidays taking in vagrants and rowdy children making scenes in the mall.

The holidays may be all fun and games for you, but for the boys in blue, it's a rough part of the year.

Kepp up the great work, Officer! I enjoy a quiet and clean shopping experience and I know I have you to thank for it. Freehold Mall has been ever so free of riffraff since you started raiding the parking lot for skaters and towel heads every 30 minutes.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Freehold Mall has been ever so free of riffraff since you started raiding the parking lot for skaters and towel heads every 30 minutes.

Now if they'd only get all the homer!s out of the Malls - especially around CHRISTMAS.

Odd sort of thing: Pastor Preaches of the horrors of homosexuality everywhere, and how we must be ever-Vigilant.
Then, every time I go to the Mall, I spot even more of them

Pastor Preaches, I go to the Mall, I see more every single time, Pastor Preaches again.....last time I went, they were wall-to-wall,
including even some of the vehicles in the parking lots, I think....

I'd like to go out
But I don't know if I can
I'm so Afraid
Of the homer!sexy Man

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

FRIDAY, JANUARY 8, 2010

This was one of those days that nothing exciting happens, except for one event.

I was cruising along main street this afternoon when I witnessed a robbery taking place. This is very unusual. Ordinarily, we don't get involved with a robbery until AFTER it's taken place.

Some punk had broken into a pop machine and was unloading all the bottles onto a dolly cart!

I spun around right in the middle of the street, lit up the lights and sirens and flew out of the door with my pistol on high ready.

"GET THOSE HANDS UP NOW!"

Being a disrespectful youth, he just raised an eyebrow and his mouth fell open. "DO IT NOW" I screamed!

"Dude. This is my job!" (I think he was a pot head.)

Well, I know all of the snack machine vendors in this town, I have never seen this punk before.

"Oh yeah, it's your job to take pop OUT of the machine?"

"When it's expired, yeah, duh."

At this point, it was clear that the time for words was gone. I lunged forward and in a flash I had my knee in his back and his face against the slushy, snowy pavement.

"Okay tough guy," I said, "Prove this is your job."

He said a bad word, and then said I was heavy and I shouldn't put so much weight on him. I got up on his back with both knees. "How do you like that, sissy? Now let me see your name tag!"

"It's on the front of my shirt" he wheezed.

"Oh is that right?!" I shifted my weight around, he deserved it for calling me fat. I flipped him over on his back and he DID have a tag, but it could have been a fake.

"Okay, so where's your truck?"

"Around the corner" he gasped.

Why would he park around the corner? It didn't add up. He said it was because there wasn't enough room to safely park his truck when he arrived, because of parallel parkers.

There weren't a whole lot of cars parked on the street. It still wasn't adding up. He said some of the traffic had cleared out since he arrived, about 15 minutes ago.

He wheezed out his boss's cellphone number, but I didn't have to dial it to know it belonged to Curt, the manager of FFS. (Freehold Food Services. I call him whenever my favorite vending machines are out of my favorite snacks.)

Well, I decided to let the punk off with a warning, and told him to get a hair cut if he wanted to look like a respectable vending machine serviceman.

I hate these dumb kids.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Policing Freehold

"Oh yeah, it's your job to take pop OUT of the machine?"

"When it's expired, yeah, duh."

I think that this is just outrageous. All that mouth-watering soda pop going to waste just because of a government-required expiration date!

Expiration dates on food and medicine are perfect examples of Big Brother interfering with the God-given right of big corporations to maximize profits. Do you think that when God sent manna from Heaven, it had an expiration date?

OK, I realize that we can't sell spoiled food. Nobody would buy it if it was spoiled. That's why I object to government imposed restrictions on chemical and radioactive preservatives.

By adding just small quantities of depleted uranium, scientists can now make food that NEVER spoils. Imagine bread that doesn't get moldy. Or milk that never turns sour (even without refrigeration!). Indeed, you could even do away with your refrigerator entirely - DP-treated meat, fish and eggs always taste fresh, even after sitting on the shelf for five years after you've bought them!



The only thing standing between you and these fine consumer products are meddling liberal "food activists." They ought to be thrown in prison!

Just say "No!" to organic food.

Praise Jesus,
Brother Fred

[Nobar King]

Re: Policing Freehold

Here's a secret: The pop is not actually expired on the expiration date. That date is an indicator to when at least 10% of the CO2 in the bottle is absorbed by the water and sugar inside. It's still good, but might not be as bubbly. It's not like you're going to get sick by drinking it. Just add some bourbon and it'll taste a lot better.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Here's a secret: The pop is not actually expired on the expiration date. That date is an indicator to when at least 10% of the CO2 in the bottle is absorbed by the water and sugar inside. It's still good, but might not be as bubbly. It's not like you're going to get sick by drinking it. Just add some bourbon and it'll taste a lot better.

Brother Nobar, you're a genius! You just solved this whole climate change problem (not that I believe in the global warming hoax, mind you - the world is actually cooling according to climate scientist Rush Limbaugh). Anyway, we just add sugar and flavoring to the ocean, turning it into a soft drink - then it will absorb the CO2 emitted from our Godly clean-coal power plants. As a bonus, this will supply the world with an unlimited quantity of soda pop, though it might taste a bit salty.

Which flavor do you think we should use? I'm partial to cola myself, but orange or root beer would be OK with me too.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 2010

I hate pizza delivery people.

Paperwork was starting to pile up on a lot of desks and it requires sometimes that we stay late. This makes me cranky, and a lot of other people too. So we decided to order some pizza to make it go easier for all of us.

Large deep-dish meat lovers, extra cheese and extra extra bacon. I'm not sure what everybody else ordered, but I was more than ready by the time the pizza arrived, six minutes late. AHEM.

I was already standing outside having a donut break when Mr. Slow Poke Pizza Delivery Kid rolled up in his stupid little car. He didn't look old enough to have a driver's license, so I told him I wanted to see it.

"Set the pizzas on the car hood and don't make any sudden moves." I said.

He took out his license, and frankly I couldn't believe he was 18. He didn't look it at all. I decided to go inside and run a background check on it, to make sure it was valid.

"You better come with me." I didn't want him to sneak off.

The license checked out and he was apparently 18. Something still didn't seem right.

I decided a car search would be in order. You wouldn't believe what these kids carry in their cars. They think the fuzz is too stupid to find their drugs. Ha!

So I told him I was going to search the car. He was looking pretty scared now, I figured I was onto something.

"If you've got anything in here, you better tell me about it now."

"N.. no, Officer I don't have anything..." He stuttered.

Uh huh. Like I haven't been HERE before.

I looked in the glove box, the center console, between the seats, under the seats and under the gas and brake pedals. I was about to give up, but I quickly felt the sun visor on the driver's side. A lump. I investigated further. A pocket knife!

"And what do we have HERE?!" I shoved the knife in his face.

"Uh, that's uh, my pocket knife, Officer sir."

"Do you use this to cut the marijuana?" I smelled the knife. It smelled like metal.

"No, sir, I don't do drugs."

"Then what do you have a knife for?"

"Well, uh, because you never know who you're going to deliver to, sir."

"Okay, so you think that delivering to the police station is DANGEROUS?"

"No sir, not at all sir...." He just stopped and there was an awkward silence, which I broke.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?" I don't ordinarily shout, but I was getting hungry.

It was pretty funny, he looked like he was about to cry!

Well as it turns out, he had made an enemy at school who was "out to get him" and was afraid that sooner or later this enemy was going to place an order for delivery and HE was the one who would have to take it. So he kept the knife in his car.

I was laughing in his face. "You think delivery is dangerous? You ought to try my job FOR FIVE MINUTES!"

He didn't respond.

"I wonder what your boss would say if he knew you were carrying weapons on the job, and especially while delivering pizza to Officers of the Law."

"Well, uh, we're not supposed to have them in the car, but..." I cut him off right there.

"But you carry it anyway, as a sign of rebellion against the evil multi-million dollar corporations who are devouring your soul in a meaningless job, right?"

After we had a little chat about respect, I gave him the money for the pizza, and he withdrew the pizza from the carrying bag. It was cold. Not even the boxes were still warm. I told him I wasn't going to pay for cold pizzas and he should take them back. I snatched my money out of his hand and sent him on his way.

I kept the knife and called the kid's boss to let him know that one of his driver's was carrying weapons on the job. Hopefully he was either fired or suspended.

Donuts for supper AGAIN.

I hate pizza delivery drivers.