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The Bible: God’s Terms Of Service?
I spoke with a software manufacturing client today that jokingly observed that the Bible is sort of like God’s Terms of Service agreement. It made me chuckle because I have often observed that most “Christians” these days really do treat the Bible like an online Terms of Service agreement: They just scroll all the way to the bottom without reading it and click “I agree.”
Think about that. Would you sign a mortgage for a million dollar house without reading it? No! Would you sign a contract to work for someone for 10 years without reading it? Of course not. Well, the TOS included in the Bible is infinitely more important and carries with it more dire consequences if you should breach it than any mortgage or work contract, yet people treat it as lightly as a user agreement for the Adobe Acrobat Reader. Why? Because they have been lied to. They THINK they know what is in the Bible but they have been deceived.
The core of the problem lies with the whores and false prophets that go around calling themselves “pastors” without revealing what the Bible REALLY says to their followers. These pastors lie to their flocks by telling them things like “God loves everyone” and “Jesus will forgive ALL sins as long as you ask for forgiveness.” They are like prostitutes. Their followers pay them money to have these guys make them feel good each Sunday. I am surprised these “churches” don’t have signs out front that say “Just leave the money on the dresser drawers.”
These pastors are as deceitful as Satan. No. Strike that. They are worse. They are like the guys at the cell phone kiosks at the mall. They talk up the service package that they are selling. They rave about their high quality phones, cheap voice and data plans, and world class customer service. Their customers shrug and sign up for a plan without even asking to read the TOS. Only too late do they realize that they have entered into a multi-year agreement, that the low rates were merely “introductory,” that the phone they bought are pieces of crap, and in order to reach customer service to talk about their broken phones, they have to spend 45 minutes on hold using they very phones they are calling to complain about.
You see, the Bible is NOT “all about love” as some of these snake oil pastors would have you think. In fact, as our good pastors have posted time and time again here at God’s Favorite Forum, the Bible lists a whole slew of people that God hates. There are even scientific studies PROVING that the Bible is MUCH more about hate than love. These pretend preachers are also lying when they say that “Jesus will forgive ALL sins as long as you ask for forgiveness.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Their poor followers go around thinking that they are wearing the spiritual equivalent of a bullet-proof shield but as soon as they blaspheme the Holy Spirit ONE TIME, they are doomed to Hell and even if they offer the most sincere and faithful prayers to little baby Jesus for the rest of their lives, they will not change God’s mind. They will end up burning in a lake of fire for all eternity! Talk about fine print, huh?
“But, Gabe!” I hear you saying. “Are you saying that the Bible is a useless lying pile of crap?” I think the answer to that is obvious. All I am saying is that True Christians™ are like educated consumers. Let’s revisit the cell phone kiosk in that mall again, but this time, lets go as True Christians™ and see what happens. When the kiosk guy tells us how awesome the plans are, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that while the rate is good, it is just introductory. When the kiosk guy tells us how great their phones are, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that we are being shown a demo model and the real phone you have to deal with on a day to day basis will be full of trials and frustrations that will test our patience. When the kiosk guy tells us that their customer service is WORLD CLASS, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that he customer service is entirely one way and the service provider will only fix problems if they decide to do so and had planned to fix them all along. As educated consumers, we know that these terms make us uncomfortable, but THEN we READ THE FINE PRINT and discover that if we don’t sign with this particular phone company, we will burn in a raging fire for all eternity, suffering unimaginable pain, torment and despair. Then we sign the contract.
BUT, since we read it, we know to keep it with us at all times. We constantly refer to it as we use our phones. We check it every minute of every day because we know, because we have read it, that one misstep could mean the end of our wonderful cell phone world. With constant vigilance and a little luck, we eventually emerge from the cell phone trial period as relieved and happy users.
So, you see, as God’s Favorite Lawyer™, I have some bad news for those “Just Click ‘Yes’” Christians: Just as here on Earth, if you enter into a contract without reading it, you could end up in Hell!
I spoke with a software manufacturing client today that jokingly observed that the Bible is sort of like God’s Terms of Service agreement. It made me chuckle because I have often observed that most “Christians” these days really do treat the Bible like an online Terms of Service agreement: They just scroll all the way to the bottom without reading it and click “I agree.”
Think about that. Would you sign a mortgage for a million dollar house without reading it? No! Would you sign a contract to work for someone for 10 years without reading it? Of course not. Well, the TOS included in the Bible is infinitely more important and carries with it more dire consequences if you should breach it than any mortgage or work contract, yet people treat it as lightly as a user agreement for the Adobe Acrobat Reader. Why? Because they have been lied to. They THINK they know what is in the Bible but they have been deceived.
The core of the problem lies with the whores and false prophets that go around calling themselves “pastors” without revealing what the Bible REALLY says to their followers. These pastors lie to their flocks by telling them things like “God loves everyone” and “Jesus will forgive ALL sins as long as you ask for forgiveness.” They are like prostitutes. Their followers pay them money to have these guys make them feel good each Sunday. I am surprised these “churches” don’t have signs out front that say “Just leave the money on the dresser drawers.”
These pastors are as deceitful as Satan. No. Strike that. They are worse. They are like the guys at the cell phone kiosks at the mall. They talk up the service package that they are selling. They rave about their high quality phones, cheap voice and data plans, and world class customer service. Their customers shrug and sign up for a plan without even asking to read the TOS. Only too late do they realize that they have entered into a multi-year agreement, that the low rates were merely “introductory,” that the phone they bought are pieces of crap, and in order to reach customer service to talk about their broken phones, they have to spend 45 minutes on hold using they very phones they are calling to complain about.
You see, the Bible is NOT “all about love” as some of these snake oil pastors would have you think. In fact, as our good pastors have posted time and time again here at God’s Favorite Forum, the Bible lists a whole slew of people that God hates. There are even scientific studies PROVING that the Bible is MUCH more about hate than love. These pretend preachers are also lying when they say that “Jesus will forgive ALL sins as long as you ask for forgiveness.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Their poor followers go around thinking that they are wearing the spiritual equivalent of a bullet-proof shield but as soon as they blaspheme the Holy Spirit ONE TIME, they are doomed to Hell and even if they offer the most sincere and faithful prayers to little baby Jesus for the rest of their lives, they will not change God’s mind. They will end up burning in a lake of fire for all eternity! Talk about fine print, huh?
“But, Gabe!” I hear you saying. “Are you saying that the Bible is a useless lying pile of crap?” I think the answer to that is obvious. All I am saying is that True Christians™ are like educated consumers. Let’s revisit the cell phone kiosk in that mall again, but this time, lets go as True Christians™ and see what happens. When the kiosk guy tells us how awesome the plans are, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that while the rate is good, it is just introductory. When the kiosk guy tells us how great their phones are, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that we are being shown a demo model and the real phone you have to deal with on a day to day basis will be full of trials and frustrations that will test our patience. When the kiosk guy tells us that their customer service is WORLD CLASS, we READ THE CONTRACT and discover that he customer service is entirely one way and the service provider will only fix problems if they decide to do so and had planned to fix them all along. As educated consumers, we know that these terms make us uncomfortable, but THEN we READ THE FINE PRINT and discover that if we don’t sign with this particular phone company, we will burn in a raging fire for all eternity, suffering unimaginable pain, torment and despair. Then we sign the contract.
BUT, since we read it, we know to keep it with us at all times. We constantly refer to it as we use our phones. We check it every minute of every day because we know, because we have read it, that one misstep could mean the end of our wonderful cell phone world. With constant vigilance and a little luck, we eventually emerge from the cell phone trial period as relieved and happy users.
So, you see, as God’s Favorite Lawyer™, I have some bad news for those “Just Click ‘Yes’” Christians: Just as here on Earth, if you enter into a contract without reading it, you could end up in Hell!
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