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  • Faith_Machine
    Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Mar 2011
    • 10050

    #106
    Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

    I'm sure you generosity has not escaped the notice of our pastors. Why, I'll bet even the Department of Faith is taking note!
    WARNING:
    In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
    REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

    Comment

    • Joanna Lytton-Vasey
      True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
       
      • Jul 2014
      • 8416

      #107
      Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

      Originally posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
      Oh by the way, there should be a separate package with a few loafs of my bread, some blueberry jelly, an apple and peach pie, three bottles of wine, two hams, a bottle of brandy....
      Elizabeth dear, you are such a generous young woman. But given the original circumstances of dear Cookie's misfortune, and Brother Faith_Machine's current medication regime, do you think the highlighted items were a wise choice?

      Faith_Machine, I have sent you some Chick-fil-A gift cards. Enjoy!
      Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!

      Comment

      • Faith_Machine
        Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
        True Christian™
        • Mar 2011
        • 10050

        #108
        Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

        Oh Joanna, my eyes are misting up with tears.

        Cookie regained consciousness a while ago and started screaming, but I gave her another injection and made her drink more brandy and she calmed right down.

        WARNING:
        In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
        REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

        Comment

        • Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson
          Forum Member
          Forum Member
          • Jun 2014
          • 1330

          #109
          Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

          Originally posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
          Elizabeth dear, you are such a generous young woman. But given the original circumstances of dear Cookie's misfortune, and Brother Faith_Machine's current medication regime, do you think the highlighted items were a wise choice?

          Faith_Machine, I have sent you some Chick-fil-A gift cards. Enjoy!
          Good point Sister Joanna. My husband encouraged me to put them in saying that they could be used as a reward for Sister Cookie -- you know, us feeble women sometimes need to see the direct reward, and given dear sweet Cookie's state, I was thinking she might need a little more help than normal. Mr. Johnson also said that if Brother Faith needed more help, they could sell it for some very high prices (about $450 a bottle) if they need any immediate financial support.

          Yours in Christ,
          Elizabeth
          "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

          Comment

          • Naomi Ruth Lamb
            True Christian™
            True Christian™
            • Nov 2013
            • 999

            #110
            Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

            I know just how much Cookie and FM are enjoying the charity and graciousness of the faithful at this time. It's so nice that they depend on each other like that. Should I use the word codependent? I mean that in the most Christian way.

            Prayers are still being said every night in my luxuriously appointed prayer closet containing wood from the actual crucifixion (guaranteed authentic by a real Joo and Roman soldier).

            My darling Elizabeth, I won't explain my meaning here - perhaps on the telephone sometime - but remember Matthew 7:6. Enough said?

            Lovingly,
            NRL
            1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
            Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
            Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
            Locations in 50 States and Canada
            !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
            Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
            Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

            Comment

            • Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson
              Forum Member
              Forum Member
              • Jun 2014
              • 1330

              #111
              Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

              Sister Naomi,

              Thank you for your tip about Matthew 7:6. My husband looks up to the goodness he sees in Brother Faith Machine, so he wanted me to be extra generous to Brother Faith Machine. Also my dear Sister, my husband does not want me on the telephone without his express permission and his presence. Maybe a private message? He is ok with those.

              Lovingly yours in Christ,
              Mrs. Johnson
              "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

              Comment

              • Naomi Ruth Lamb
                True Christian™
                True Christian™
                • Nov 2013
                • 999

                #112
                Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                Originally posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
                Sister Naomi,

                Thank you for your tip about Matthew 7:6. My husband looks up to the goodness he sees in Brother Faith Machine, so he wanted me to be extra generous to Brother Faith Machine. Also my dear Sister, my husband does not want me on the telephone without his express permission and his presence. Maybe a private message? He is ok with those.

                Lovingly yours in Christ,
                Mrs. Johnson
                Well, bless his heart.
                1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
                Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
                Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
                Locations in 50 States and Canada
                !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
                Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
                Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

                Comment

                • Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson
                  Forum Member
                  Forum Member
                  • Jun 2014
                  • 1330

                  #113
                  Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                  Originally posted by Naomi Ruth Lamb View Post
                  Well, bless his heart.
                  He is a good man, and I pray you will find one soon too. Don't despair deary. I knew a hell-bound woman who was a former harlot, and she got married and bore a son at 43. So, if the Lord wills it, so will you, and before that ex-slut. Besides, good things come to those who wait and seek His will. "The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him." Lamentations 3:25
                  "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

                  Comment

                  • Dolores de Barriga
                    Apparently not part of the domestic staff; suspected academic
                    Forum Member
                    • Sep 2014
                    • 462

                    #114
                    Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                    Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                    Oh Joanna, my eyes are misting up with tears.

                    Cookie regained consciousness a while ago and started screaming, but I gave her another injection and made her drink more brandy and she calmed right down.

                    Dear Mr. Faith Machine, I'll be heading to Iowa City very soon, would you like me to stop by in Cherokee and pick you and Mistress Cookie up? And if you have already arranged some other means of transportation, I'll drop by anyway and bring some traditional American food (T-bone steak&potato) for you two.
                    John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

                    Comment

                    • Faith_Machine
                      Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                      True Christian™
                      • Mar 2011
                      • 10050

                      #115
                      Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                      Remember we are still under quarantine for possible Ebola, so you must STAY AWAY!
                      WARNING:
                      In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                      REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                      Comment

                      • Basilissa
                        South of the Border outreach program
                        True Christian™
                         
                        • Mar 2013
                        • 12986

                        #116
                        Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                        Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                        Remember we are still under quarantine for possible Ebola, so you must STAY AWAY!
                        Do not be afraid, Brother: True Christians™ are immune to ebola. You and Cookie are safe!
                        God created fossils to test our faith.

                        * * *

                        My favorite LBC sermons:
                        True Christians are Perfect!
                        True Christian™ Love.
                        Salvation™ made Easy!
                        You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                        Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                        Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                        Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                        Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                        The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                        Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                        God HATES Rational Thinking!
                        True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

                        Comment

                        • Dolores de Barriga
                          Apparently not part of the domestic staff; suspected academic
                          Forum Member
                          • Sep 2014
                          • 462

                          #117
                          Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                          Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                          Remember we are still under quarantine for possible Ebola, so you must STAY AWAY!
                          Well, I'll be coming to Iowa in a week or so, I'm sure the quarantine period will be over by then. I'll bring some doughnuts, too, and a big box of liqueur-filled chocolates for Mistress Cookie.
                          John 14:6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

                          Comment

                          • Faith_Machine
                            Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                            True Christian™
                            • Mar 2011
                            • 10050

                            #118
                            Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                            Listen, she came out of her stupor briefly and send some, uh, disturbing text messages to a few numbers I didn't recognize.

                            I don't know if you might have been among the recipients, but please bear in mind the fact that sometimes a woman's mind can play tricks on her.
                            WARNING:
                            In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                            REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                            Comment

                            • Jim Farmer
                              True Christian™
                              True Christian™
                              • Sep 2014
                              • 2293

                              #119
                              Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                              Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                              Listen, she came out of her stupor briefly and send some, uh, disturbing text messages to a few numbers I didn't recognize.

                              I don't know if you might have been among the recipients, but please bear in mind the fact that sometimes a woman's mind can play tricks on her.
                              I received a message, I think it was from her. My number is [removed by mods for privacy reason]. Does that sound like one of the numbers? I am unable to divulge on here what it said.
                              Anyway, if she is to be believed, if I were Dolores, I would be getting there ASAP to preserve Mistress Cookie's moral virtue. And Dolores, please rescue Mistress Cookie, but I have serious reservations as to whether you should give Mr Machine a lift anywhere (if you understand what I mean).
                              sigpic

                              Comment

                              • Faith_Machine
                                Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                                True Christian™
                                • Mar 2011
                                • 10050

                                #120
                                Re: Can someone please come bail me out?

                                Bite your tongue, Jim Farmer, BITE YOUR DAMNED TONGUE!

                                Miss Cookie has already been rescued, and she just needs some time before she recovers the full use of her mental faculties, such as they are.

                                Meanwhile, I suggest you think good and hard about Proverbs 19:5 and Exodus 20:16, lest the Lord smite you something powerful!
                                WARNING:
                                In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                                REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                Comment

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