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  • Faith_Machine
    Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Mar 2011
    • 10050
    #1

    Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

    I know you had your heart set on a 50 caliber gun, but I got you the 49 caliber instead, because it was the biggest they could legally sell me here in California.

    I pray that being able to come and hunt prairie dogs with me in the Golden State with almost a 50 caliber will offset your disappointment about it not being a full 50 cal.
    WARNING:
    In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
    REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
    Tags: None
    • Daisy Mae Johnson
      The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
      Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
      aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2006
      • 15708
      #2
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Brother Zechariah Smyth!




      sigpic

      Tweet me Here
      My GODLY Bio Here

        Comment

        • Elmer G. White
          Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology)
          Victim of atheist scientific persecution
           
          • Apr 2014
          • 10271
          #3
          Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Brother Zechariah Smyth!

          Happy Birthday, Young Man!

          May you never have the time to grow old before meeting Jesus in the clouds and submitting to Him for all Eternity!





          Romans 15:29
          And I am sure that, when I come unto you, I shall come in the fulness of the blessing of the gospel of Christ.


          Yours in Christ,

          Elmer
          2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



          PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
          Check out our Research in Creation Science:

            Comment

            • James Hutchins
              True Christian™
              Just a Regular Nice Guy
               
              • Jun 2009
              • 29453
              #4
              Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Brother Zechariah Smyth!

              I missed you at the Landover 'Reach Out and Touch Jesus' luncheon and golf outing last week. Nothing in the world like seeing you placing your balls in the cup.
              I had a case of Carruades de Lafitein in my Porsche, hoping to give it to you at the event but I had to get rid of it before it spoiled. Ring me up next time you are in town. Assuming of course, God did not pass off to you a Golden ticket to Heaven
              Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
              Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
              Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
              Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
              Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
              Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

                Comment

                • Mary Etheldreda
                  Gushing for Jesus
                   
                  • Sep 2011
                  • 23775
                  #5
                  Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                  Have a most blessed birthday!
                  Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                    Comment

                    • Joanna Lytton-Vasey
                      True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
                       
                      • Jul 2014
                      • 8407
                      #6
                      Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                      Happy Birthday, Brother. This evening, my older boys are all offering up a special prayer for "Uncle Zech". They have never forgotten your kind attention to them.
                      Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!

                        Comment

                        • Basilissa
                          South of the Border outreach program
                          True Christian™
                           
                          • Mar 2013
                          • 12975
                          #7
                          Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                          Have a Blessed birthday, Brother Zechariah!

                          God created fossils to test our faith.

                          * * *

                          My favorite LBC sermons:
                          True Christians are Perfect!
                          True Christian™ Love.
                          Salvation™ made Easy!
                          You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                          Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                          Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                           Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                          Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                          The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                          Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                          God HATES Rational Thinking!
                          True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

                            Comment

                            • Faith_Machine
                              Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                              True Christian™
                              • Mar 2011
                              • 10050
                              #8
                              Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                              Friends, I want to address a rumor that has been going around. Apparently somebody from the Landover Sewing Circle told the other ladies she'd seen me drinking at the Holy Load Saloon, and she further claimed I had drunkenly criticized brother Zech for returning from his long absence, yet not posting in this happy birthday thread.

                              I would NEVER do something like that!

                              You know how some women do love to talk.

                              Not to tell tales out of school, but I think she might take a bit too much of an interest in me, if you know what I mean.
                              WARNING:
                              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                Comment

                                • Back against wall
                                  Guarding his purity against all comers
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Sep 2015
                                  • 1241
                                  #9
                                  Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                  Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                                  Not to tell tales out of school, but I think she might take a bit too much of an interest in me, if you know what I mean.
                                  Thats an interesting story. Praise Jesus I have my Anti-M Badge.
                                  Ecclesiastes 1:18 - For in much wisedome is much griefe: and hee that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.

                                    Comment

                                    • I Man Rastafari
                                      Possibly retarded pothead
                                      • Oct 2015
                                      • 1019
                                      #10
                                      Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                      Greetings Mr. Smyth! We have not yet met but I am wanting to wish you a very happy birthday. I am here in your country to train as a television personality at the University of Wisconsin. In time I will be the Brian Williams of Africa.
                                      Sing unto God, sing praises to his name: Extol him that rideth upon the heavens By his name JAH, and rejoice before him.-Psalms 68:4

                                        Comment

                                        • Faith_Machine
                                          Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                                          True Christian™
                                          • Mar 2011
                                          • 10050
                                          #11
                                          Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                          Originally posted by I Man Rastafari View Post
                                          Greetings Mr. Smyth! We have not yet met but I am wanting to wish you a very happy birthday. I am here in your country to train as a television personality at the University of Wisconsin. In time I will be the Brian Williams of Africa.

                                          If you want to give Zechariah a birthday present he will always cherish, how about you give your life to Jesus?
                                          WARNING:
                                          In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                                          REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                            Comment

                                            • Cranky Old Man
                                              Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
                                              You kids get off his lawn!
                                               
                                              • Jan 2010
                                              • 22371
                                              #12
                                              Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                              Is it me or do we keep celebrating this man's birthday?

                                              I most certainly will not be buying him a present.
                                              5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                                              To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                                              James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                                                Comment

                                                • Zechariah Smyth
                                                  Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
                                                  True Christian™
                                                  • Feb 2011
                                                  • 15251
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                                  Hello Landoverites!

                                                  Sorry for the delay in replying, my carpentry/woodworking business has been booming lately. One of the reasons is I'm now making full-sized "weathered" wooden statues of Mary, and these crazy catlick cubans down here are going crazy for them!

                                                  Oh, and they'll ask, is this made of genuine cedar? You bet. Is this made of real cypress? Yup. Is this made of period-correct dogwood? Nothing but.

                                                  THEY'RE ALL MADE FROM BANYAN SCRAPS!!!



                                                  Good grief, mackeral-snappers are delusional.

                                                  Yours in Christ (NOT MARY),

                                                  Zech
                                                  sigpic

                                                    Comment

                                                    • Faith_Machine
                                                      Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                                                      True Christian™
                                                      • Mar 2011
                                                      • 10050
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                                      Zech, now that you're flush with cash, and given that my birthday is coming up, and in light of the exquisite 49 caliber rifle I gave you for your birthday, I am worried you might feel obligated to splurge on my present.

                                                      Please don't do anything silly like send me a box of Cohiba Behikes!




                                                      Even though I would slowly savor every single one, the last thing I would want you to do is spend your hard-earned money on such an extravagance for a man as humble as myself!
                                                      WARNING:
                                                      In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                                                      REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • Youth Minister Harry
                                                          Matt 19:14 Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          • Feb 2011
                                                          • 832
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Happy Birthday, Zechariah Smyth!

                                                          Brother Zech, the boys of the No-Homo™ Youth Choir and the Killing For Christ band have prepared a private concert for you. The session will last at least one hour and is guaranteed to blow your mind! Then, afterwards, they will play a wonderful song for you! PRAISE JESUS!

                                                          Please send 23 First Class airline tickets to the Youth Ministry Office of Tithing. Also, can we stay at your place in Florida?

                                                          SURPRISE! Happy Birthday! Praise GOD!
                                                          Slathered in the Fresh Hot Blood of the Infant Christ,
                                                          -Youth Minister Harry Lester

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