[Lola Handcock]

Re: Policing Freehold

I need to report a heinous crime, yesterday I found the side of our brand new garage had been painted by Satanic vandals.I later viewed this van in Freehold. Ofc. Don can you catch them?They have some work to do on my garage.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

I need to report a heinous crime, yesterday I found the side of our brand new garage had been painted by Satanic vandals.I later viewed this van in Freehold. Ofc. Don can you catch them?They have some work to do on my garage.

Lola, consider the entire FPD on full alert. The devil is a sneaky adversary and we are on our toes!

Any specific details you can provide about the driver, the van and the artwork on your garage will speed the capture of these dangerous criminals.

In the meantime I suggest that you pray to God for extra protection and double your tithe to Landover just in case. You and Emil should also keep your guns loaded and ready for action.

I'll keep you posted as events unfold.

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Policing Freehold

I did get a glimpse at the occupants of the van,1 negroid,1 messican and I am not sure of the last one,he looked white and had one of them silly round hats on like the Joos wear,say cathreliks wear them too? Anyhow all 3 were men and I smelled reefers coming from the van. I home that helped.One more thing it had California plates..

Thank you for your help,and yes my guns are loaded and I will triple my tithe this month.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2009

I did NOT want to be on duty today.

Vicky was deepfrying some mashed potatoes to go with our deepfried turkey, and I get a call saying "Officer Borders is sick, we need you to cover his shift."

Like I believe he was really sick. He just wanted out of duty.

So I had to go bust bad guys on Thanksgiving. Well, I figured if I was going to be on duty, I might as well take down as many crooks as I could.

I was just cruising around thinking about Thanksgiving, what it really means, and the true threat of communism.

I started thinking about all the lazy, unemployed people who leech off our tax dollars. I started thinking about soup kitchens and homeless shelters sponsored by liberal homosexual-loving churches.

Then it struck me: Where else can you find more vagrants, crooks and communists than at a Thanksgiving soup kitchen for the poor and homeless?

I went to the nearest gas station and picked up a newspaper. Soup kitchens always advertise in newspapers. I guess they figure the best way to reach their target audience is to print ads on their bed sheets.

I learned that there was to be a free Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless down in the southeast corner.

It was already a little after 12:00, so I had to hurry. I flipped on my lights and sirens and made it in record time, thanks to my police driving training.

When I arrived at the scene, I felt like I had struck the Officer of the Law's jackpot. There were dirty, unwashed homeless people lined up out the door, just waiting there for a free handout like commie Russians in a toilet paper line!

Clearly, I was going to need backup again. I radioed for all the available units we could spare.

With megaphone in hand, I ordered all of the homeless trash to line up with their hands against the wall and feet spread. Some of them, mostly coloreds, just took off running!

I tazed a couple before they got away, and the ones that did make it out were apprehended by units approaching the scene.

Within fifteen minutes we had probably about 60 homeless folks cuffed and sitting on the sidewalk waiting to be loaded into trailers and taken back to the city jail!

Once we got inside we had even more vagrants to sift through! Probably about 80 - 100! I'm not sure what the max capacity of the building was, but I imagine they were well over. I had to write some fines to the Godless commies who were sponsoring the event. Hopefully their church will go bankrupt because of it.

The entire bust was a shining example of our magnificent justice system.

Line them up, cuff them, haul them in. It went on like that for about an hour. It got to the point where we were running out of cuffs so we had to use bailing wire and leather belts to restrain the dangerous and rowdy homeless persons! By the end of the bust, we were shipping vagrants out to Des Moines!

As the building began to empty, I realized there was a lot of food lying around. Turkey, corn, mashed potatoes and gravy, pumpkin pie... These lazy homeless goons were eating better that most hard working American families!

It didn't take us long to make a decision regarding the food. We called in all of the police force to come on down and enjoy Thanksgiving dinner, courtesy of the now heavily-fined communists and busted bums! I called Vicky and had her bring the deepfried taters and turkey, and everybody else called their wives and kids and had them bring their dinners too!

As we all gathered around and asked God to bless our dinner, I think there was a true sense of Thanksgiving in the minds of all the True Christians there for this great Captalist country of ours, the Freehold PD, and my crime fighting abilities.

So if you notice that our streets are a lot cleaner and there is a feeling of safety throughout the entire city, thank an Officer of the Law who was present at this historic raid!

I can't wait to do it all over again this Christmas!

(Note: Of course we did not actually eat or touch the food that had been partially eaten or even touched by the dirty homeless people. It was safely disposed of.)

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Policing Freehold

A heartwarming tale of Festive Joy Ofc. Richards.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

(Note: Of course we did not actually eat or touch the food that had been partially eaten or even touched by the dirty homeless people. It was safely disposed of.)

Officer Don, have you disposed of their Wine bottles yet?

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

What a wonderful story of fellowship, giving and thanks for the bounty that is an American right. I hpoe you kept all those sponges moving through the system till well after the jail serves the day old rolls and city water.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, your Thanksgiving bust was truly one of the most brilliant stories of police detective work I ever heard. It's worthy of a special episode of 24. I guess being a holiday and all, you were in a charitable spirit and didn't want to employ any "enhanced interrogation techniques" on the prisoners, but still, utterly amazing work. Congratulations!

I hope that you'll repeat this performance during Christmas when ACORN to run that commie "Toys for Tots" scheme. It's nothing but socialism, and those "tots" need to spend at least a few weeks in a jail cell to teach them that being a welfare cheat is a one-way ticket to Hell.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Lefty Graffiti]

Re: Policing Freehold

Yeah man, I just wanna say that you pigs ought to smoke a bong or drop some acid every so often. Then you'd mellow out, get laid, and stop hitting people with nightsticks.

When I came back from 'Nam in '73, I was like you, all hyper and full of hate. But then I started getting high, and like, wow, I've seen the light. Finally, I got turned onto Jesus last month, right after smoking some dynamite weed, and now I feel like I'm home at last!

I also speak to God like the rest of you Christian dudes and chicks. It's really easy rapping with God, especially after taking some Purple Owsley and listening to Hendrix. Everything's cool.

Peace!
"Brother" Lefty

[Meek and Humble]

Re: Policing Freehold

Go away, crack whore. This is a place for REAL Christians, not filthy disease-ridden hippies.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Policing Freehold

Yeah man, I just wanna say that you pigs ought to smoke a bong or drop some acid every so often. Then you'd mellow out, get laid, and stop hitting people with nightsticks.

When I came back from 'Nam in '73, I was like you, all hyper and full of hate. But then I started getting high, and like, wow, I've seen the light. Finally, I got turned onto Jesus last month, right after smoking some dynamite weed, and now I feel like I'm home at last!

I also speak to God like the rest of you Christian dudes and chicks. It's really easy rapping with God, especially after taking some Purple Owsley and listening to Hendrix. Everything's cool.

Peace!
"Brother" Lefty

You want us to drop acid on our pigs? that's sick!!! Not even PETA would stoop that low! Even a weak acid would be painful and terrible! It'd also damage the meat and ruin the taste.
Yes, smoking the bacon is indeed a good idea, especially hickory.
I'm glad you're talking to Jesus, but I doubt smoking dynamite weeds is a good idea. In fact, I can't even find what a dynamite weed is! It must be bad for you though.
What's a purple Owsley? It sounds like something bad and quite sinful.
Oh my goodness! I get it now. You're a homosexual and I get it! A purple owsley is a er, ahem! "peewhacker"


God, time to disinfect the keyboard so I don't get aids!

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

I just wanna say that you pigs ought to smoke a bong or drop some acid every so often.

"Dropping acid" is so passe'.....Tasering is the Modern way to go

[Lefty Graffiti]

Re: Policing Freehold

"Dropping acid" is so passe'.....Tasering is the Modern way to go

Oh yeah, Sister SUV, I hear ya! I know about tasers. Me and some of the dudes at The Psycho Head Shop (where I work, selling lava lamps, rolling papers, etc) found out about tasers the hard way. We were in Mendocino, up the coast north of Frisco, and we took a walk in the woods. Then we came across this big field of pot, hidden among the trees. Well, as you can imagine, we kind of went crazy, picking the stuff and trying to smoke it. Wasn't easy though - pot doesn't burn too well when it hasn't been dried. Anyway, about 10 minutes later this big fat mean Mexican dude comes along with a couple of bad-ass dogs and a shotgun! We offered to share our smoke with him, but he wasn't cool about it at all. He threatened to blow our heads off, and probably would have too if we hadn't shown him our name cards from the head shop, and offered to buy his stash. Plus we told him we were into Jesus, which as it turned out, was his name (Jesus González ). Far out, who would have thought that Jesus had great-great grandkids wandering around the forests of Mendocino. Anyway, he mellowed, but let us have a blast with the taser just to let us know who was boss. What a bummer! We got out of there as soon as we were sober enough to run.

But at the end of the day, it was cool, you know. We got ourselves a new supplier. Miracles happen when you're turned onto Jesus (the original Jesus, not that González dude - he needs to lighten up).

Peace!
Brother Lefty

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Oh yeah, Sister SUV, I hear ya!

Brother, you remind me so much of our own Don Bozo del Guapo. Do you perhaps know him? Not in the Biblical sense, of course.

It's only Good for a Man to "Know Him" when the "Him" in question refers to JESUS

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2009

Apparently there have been a couple of complaints about the plastic nativity scene and the "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" banner in front of city hall.

A janitor who was polishing baby Jesus' forehead called the police when some smart aleck on her way into the building made a wisecrack about some "separation of church and state" nonsense.

I insisted that I should respond, and I did.

The janitor was still out front with the rags and turtle wax when I arrived, and I took his statement.

He told me the perp was some preppy, east-coast looking dyke, the kind you see on the TV.

I know the type. I went inside, and asked the receptionist if she had seen anybody by that description. Indeed she had, and the dyke had come in looking for the DMV. I was hot on the trail.

I sprang into action and flew downstairs. When the elevator door opened, I saw my target. She was waiting in the lobby, pushing buttons on her stupid little cellphone.

"Excuse me, I need to talk to you" I said.

She looked up like she hadn't done anything wrong, and asked "what?"

"We had a report of somebody matching your description disturbing the peace and insulting baby Jesus' shiny forehead, which is actually SUPPOSED to shine because he has a HALO, thanks very much."

She squinted at me and said, "You're kidding right? All I said was, 'Giving baby Jesus a lubejob in front of a public building? Didn't think you could crap on public decency and separation of church and state at the same time.'"

I was sickened by her smug attitude. She thought she was really funny.

I cleared my throat and said, "You're in a Christian town, in a Christian nation, walking on Christian government property. If you don't like it, you can just leave and not come back."

As is typical of uppity atheist types, she argued with me and blamed God for her attitude: "Look buster, I didn't want to come to this %*#& little town to begin with, but my husband is at the bottom of the totem pole in his career and newbies get transferred to all the crappy little towns and now I have to keep my sanity in an entire state filled with Jesus freaks who use tax dollars to furnish religious icons for their state property so that I can't even apply for a driver's license without seeing virgin mothers and baby saviors in diapers staked to the lawn of city hall!"

Then she launched into a tirade about how America really isn't based on Christianity and that "many" of the "founding fathers" weren't actually devout Christians, and something about article 11 in the Treaty of Tripoli, quotes from Thomas Jefferson about Christianity being "perverted" and on and on.

She was clearly out of control and delusional, so I had to push her against the wall, pull her arms behind her back, cuff her, and take her into the station to cool off.

I explained on the way that it doesn't matter if a few of the founding fathers thought the government should be secular or not, we are a democracy and the majority has the rule. If the majority is Christian and thinks that we should use tax dollars for religious purposes, promote Christianity, and enact laws based on Christian doctrine (that is, God's doctrine) then that is what we are going to do and the minority can just get used to it, or leave.

She made some arbitrary statement to me that didn't make much sense: "Majority rule, minority rights." All I know is that she used the words "minority" and "rights" in the same sentence and that made my conservative blood boil.

I don't understand what rights these precious minorities want that they don't already have. They're never happy! They say they want rights, so we take a popular vote and decide they shouldn't have them, and then they complain about the very democratic process that protects them!

I'm done trying to understand these people, and I put her away for the afternoon and wrote her some big, fat tickets for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest, lewd behavior in public, and destruction of public property. (She tracked mud into the building.)