[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Sister Thumper,

You had me right to the end!

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot trapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes around and the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, bitch."

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells,
"Get me another whiskey, bitch."

Quite upset, the stewardess returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach.
"I've asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it for me."

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot, take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out of the aeroplane. As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says,

"You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy bastard."

[Unfalsifiable]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Haha very good.


There was an old Pastor out hunting in the forest, he searched long and hard, but couldn't find anything. So he put down his gun took off his hat and strolled down to the stream to have a rest.

He sat down, rested for a few minute by the softly trickling water, then when he looked up, he saw a HUGE BEAR coming right for him! He threw up his hands up in prayer and said "Dear Lord! Please convert this bear into a Christian!".

As the bear got next to him it stopped, threw its paws in the air in prayer and said "Dear Lord! Thank you for this food I am about to receive!!".

[Juliette]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes



Typical liebral commie.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I don't think this one's been posted yet:



Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement, and when
his plane arrived there was a limousine there waiting to transport Mr. Graham
home.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stooped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.
Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have it."

So Mr. Graham gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie Trooper who was operating his first speed
trap.
Then comes along Mr. Graham long black limo going 70 in a 55 speed zone.

The young Trooper p ulled out and easily caught the limo. And the rookie got out
of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young Trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled
down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his patrol car and called his
supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law ... But I
also know that important people are given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I stopped a very important person!"

The supervisor asked. "Is it the governor?"

The young Trooper said,
"No, he more important then that."

The supervisor said,
"Oh, it's the president."

The young Trooper said,
"No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked,
"Well, then who is it?"

The young Trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a
chauffeur!"

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
>
> "Dear Captain,
> Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. And one last point: No Jews Please."
>
> At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
>
> "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within thecongregation.... No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Sydney and Newcastle, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double hissalary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F**k the Vicar'.

[JennyD]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A flu epidemic had hit the small town, and the Catholic school was no exception. Many of the nuns were violently ill, and unable to teach. Naturally, they called to the community for substitute teachers.

One young Christian lady accepted the challenge.

"Hello," she said, greeting the gaggle of Catholic children. "I'm Miss Prussy, and I'm here to substitute for your math teacher, Sister Eugenia. I know you all love counting beads instead of praying to Jesus, so I expect you'll do well on the pop quiz I have for you."

The students groaned, as ill-behaved Catholics do.

"Now, we have to find out what you've learned," Miss Prussy continued. "So take the test, or stand in the corner!"

The children bent to the task, grumbling. Half an hour later, they finished.

"That wasn't so bad, now was it? See you all tomorrow, and we'll see how many failed!"

The whining children went home, hoping to find spells in their catechism books to curse her.

The next morning, the children arrived in math class to the sight of Miss Prussy's angry face. "You've all done very poorly!" she exclaimed, passing back papers.

Joey spoke up first. "But, Miss Pushy, I wrote 3 > 1, and it is."

"Nonsense! Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, 3 = 1, you impudent beast! And my name is Miss PRUSSY!"

Mary called out, "Miss Prussian, you marked mine wrong, too!"

"My name is MISS PRUSSY!"

"Sorry, Miss Prissy," snickered Mary.

"THAT'S IT!" Miss Prussy stormed to the head of the class. "Tomorrow morning, I will say, 'Good morning, children', and you will ALL reply, 'Good morning, MISS PRUSSY!' Anyone who fails to do so will be given detention!

"I don't know what's wrong with you children. It's so easy to remember, just "pussy" with an R in it!"

The children filed out again, hoping to find a new curse that would work.

The next morning rolled around, and the children arrived. Miss Prussy, aggravated as usual, scowled as her most troublesome class slogged their way into their seats.

"Good morning, CHILDREN," Mis Prussy snarled.

"Good morning, MISS CRUNT!" the children replied.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A new papist priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next sunday he took the monsignor's advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

- sip the vodka, don't gulp

- there are 10 commandments, not 12

- there are 12 disciples, not 10

- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated

- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass

- we do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook

- when Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "eat me."

- the Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "mary with the cherry"

- the recommended grace before a meal is not: "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God."

- next sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[Betty Lambskin]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

How do you tell when a Blonde's been using a dildo?


Her front teeth are chipped!

[JennyD]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Shortly after creating the universe, God created Woman. The first Woman had three breasts . . . double D-cup, at that.

A few weeks after being created, the Woman -- being a helpless female -- said to God, "This middle breast is always getting in my way. I can barely feed myself around it, and when I try to do my aerobics, it hits me in the face! What shall I do about it?"

God said, "Lay down to sleep, Woman, and I will take care of the problem."

As the Woman slept, God removed the middle breast and left it beside her.

Upon awakening, the Woman saw the breast. She was overjoyed that she could now do aerobics without getting a bloody nose, but had no idea what to do with the spare breast.

"Lord," she asked, "What shall we do with this useless boob?"

And now you know how God created Man.

[ForGodsSake]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What do get when you cross a Jehovah's witness with an atheist ?
Someone who knocks on you door for no reason at all.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

Because you always do a rough draft first.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What happens when you piss off a group of Unitarians?

They burn a question mark on your lawn.

[Roberta]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Good show, Dancer. I do not think any of us realized that there was a lighter side to you! The joke was elementary and I seriously doubt that it cracked anyone up but you tried.

Kudos to you!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship hit a rock and sank. The magician found himself clinging on to a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean… with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… and another… and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the boat?"