Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

[Faith_Machine]

As you well know, I now have at least nine months of no masturbinges under my belt, and I'm looking forward to my one year anniversary!

However, I feel increasingly distracted by the kinds of urges which would have been previously relieved by self-sodomy. I don't appreciate anything that distracts me from my walk with the Lord! Naturally, I've never considered a surgical solution, as Deuteronomy clearly prohibits this:

Deuteronomy 23

1He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

This morning, however, I was reading Matthew, and I think I may have found an exception to the rule:

Matthew 19:12

12For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

If I am making myself a eunuch for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake, then might it be acceptable? I don't want to take any chances on this.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

The Bible is not internally contradictory.

I'm sure if you presented yourself to a Pastor to assess your testicles and your sincerity of desire to be rid of them a solution to your conundrum can be found.

Really, Faith Machine, I thought you would have rushed round straight away into the loving arms of Pastor Zeke and let him lay hands upon you to heal you of your turmoil. Have you been near someone afflicted with anal demons without knowing it? Queers can be tricky.

[Bob4God]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

GOD can make all the exceptions to His own rules as He likes.

You are correct, Faith Machine.

GOD would be tickled pink if you lopped off your testicles to show your devotion to Him, just as He was pleased at Abraham's willingness to slay his own child.

JESUS sacrificed Himself (temporarily) for us, and He would quite like to see somebody else sacrifice themselves for Him!

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

"He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." This is the crucial part. Redeemed Papist advises presenting "yourself to a Pastor to assess your testicles and your sincerity of desire to be rid of them," and this is sound advice.

The last applicant was Robert Niemayer. After a thorough examination, and once he was able again to walk, talk, and breathe again*, he returned to the Pastor and thanked him. Brother Niemayer decided against the matter. Your mileage may vary but a person of strong faith will make it through where others must work at Salvation for their entire life.

If you do decide to go through with it, let me know. I have some 19th century holy music that requires a castrato.

*(although his eyes remained crossed even to this day!)

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Friends, thank you all so much for your sage advice in this matter. I'm afraid I haven't been very honest with myself, though. You see, it's been many, many long weeks since I've heard from the lovely Mari Galvez-Villalobos, and after much soul-searching, I've realized this eunuch business is just my way of expressing passive-aggressive hostility toward her for not contacting me.

The logic being, of course, that if I become a eunuch, I can't marry her.

I'm really ashamed that I would play games with myself and her and all of you in this fashion. I hope everybody concerned can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Friends, thank you all so much for your sage advice in this matter. I'm afraid I haven't been very honest with myself, though. You see, it's been many, many long weeks since I've heard from the lovely Mari Galvez-Villalobos, and after much soul-searching, I've realized this eunuch business is just my way of expressing passive-aggressive hostility toward her for not contacting me.

The logic being, of course, that if I become a eunuch, I can't marry her.

I'm really ashamed that I would play games with myself and her and all of you in this fashion. I hope everybody concerned can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

The scripture says to do it if you are able. It does not say to do it if it is well intentioned. So I would recommend at least giving it a whirl, to find out if you are able to do it or not.

I found that I was able to do it to all four of my sons, by tying them up in their sleep, but not to myself, for some reason. You should at least put it to the test.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Friends, thank you all so much for your sage advice in this matter. I'm afraid I haven't been very honest with myself, though. You see, it's been many, many long weeks since I've heard from the lovely Mari Galvez-Villalobos, and after much soul-searching, I've realized this eunuch business is just my way of expressing passive-aggressive hostility toward her for not contacting me.

The logic being, of course, that if I become a eunuch, I can't marry her.

I'm really ashamed that I would play games with myself and her and all of you in this fashion. I hope everybody concerned can find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I think Jesus put the desire in you for you to sacrifice your testicles in His name for a reason and you should not be so hasty. Your futile yearning for that Spanish harlot to become a born again virgin is God's way of calling you, perhaps.

Do your testicles cause you to offend?

Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand causes you to offend, cut it off, and cast it from you: for it is better for you that one of your members should perish, and not that your whole body should be cast into hell.

"One of your members" is the important part. Your testicles come under this definition.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Well my testicles certainly did cause me to offend a whole lot prior to nine months ago! Part of me is thinking maybe I should leave them in place, so I can have the satisfaction of knowing that every time I refrain from touching myself, I am being a partner with God in having His will triumph over my sick, selfish desires.

But, on the other hand, I feel like all the prayer energy I put into conquering my baser instincts might be better spent praying for other things, such as the Pope getting his comeuppance or all the moderates in the GOP catching a flu the next time they feel like voting in a primary.

I think Pastor Zeke giving me a thorough exam and pre-castral counseling is a great idea. Should I e-mail him, or is it better if I call his secretary?

[Bob4God]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Well my testicles certainly did cause me to offend a whole lot prior to nine months ago! Part of me is thinking maybe I should leave them in place, so I can have the satisfaction of knowing that every time I refrain from touching myself, I am being a partner with God in having His will triumph over my sick, selfish desires.

The satisfaction of overcoming the temptation of biological urges is something that is unique and wonderful about Christianity.

It takes a lot of faith to pledge chastity in the face of raging hormones, and GOD knows this.

Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. - James 1:12

But if you do not have the strength and faith to resist the temptation to touch yourself, you must have the strength and faith to cut yourself.

But already we are spending way too much time worrying about how this will affect you, and not how it will affect GOD.

If pleasing GOD is not motivation enough for you to become a eunuch, then why bother being a Christian at all?

And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. - Matthew 10:38

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

That's a really good point, Brother Bob! I still hold out some hope that fair Mari will marry me, though. Am I being foolish?

I'll make that appointment with Pastor Zeke ASAP!

[Bob4God]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Am I being foolish?

No, you are not being foolish as long as she can be made a True Christian.

Marrying for sex is a Biblical tradition.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

No, you are not being foolish as long as she can be made a True Christian.

Marrying for sex is a Biblical tradition.

I...

Wow Bob, I thought I was supposed to get married and then only copulate for the specific purpose of giving sons to Jesus.

Are you saying it would be OK to marry Mari and then satisfy all my...

Oh dear, I don't think I should pursue this line of thought. Would everybody please excuse me while I take a cold bath? Fully clothed, of course.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Be strong.

Do not spill your seed and undo all the good work. Each time you tempt God to kill you like Onan could be your last.
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[Faith_Machine]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

Thank you, my brother in Christ!

That ice-cold bath really worked wonders for me. I didn't want to risk getting my KJV wet, so I cranked up the King James Audio Bible to full volume and left my bathroom door open.

The neighbors did eventually complain about the noise, but by the time I heard them pounding on my door (they were apparently knocking for quite some time before I heard them), my internal fires had cooled nicely.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Would God be Pleased if I Became a Eunuch?

I hope you remembered to get dressed before going to the door and witnessing to them about the Bible they had been called by Jesus to listen to while knocking.

Jesus always throws opportunities to the unworthy to get with the program but I fear the moment would have been ruined with you in your birthday suit. Especially if the cold water had had the usual effect.
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