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  • JonathanClement
    Confirmed Enemy of God
    BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
    • Mar 2008
    • 37

    #1

    Hey, guys! ^.^

    *looks at the forum with his back to the camera with the wind blowing through his hair.*

    Okay, relax, I'm not trolling here, so, please, don't edit this because I really just want to tell my story on here and have a chance of making amends for my actions...

    So, who here remembers me? Incase you don't, allow me to refresh your memory... I came here about 4 or so years ago to troll. I was, at the time, a Christian. I basically had this idea that I could "Take landover baptist down" because I saw it as "blasphemy". I made that stupid petition, naively thinking that it would actually be effective. Instead, to my disappointment and utter disgust, it was spammed unmercifully by trolls from i-mockery and something awful.

    So, I guess I should explain why I did it... Looking back on it now, I`m not entirely sure, but I think there were several reasons. For one, I hated the ridiculous views, racism, and sexism. I was well aware that it wasn't real, but for some reason, I had this irrational fear in the back of my mind that it was... Obviously, I saw the site at blasphemy and insulting to God... I think I also kind of wanted to be the "good guy" in my own head... And also... I think it was because I was scared that this is what christianity actually taught... And looking at it now, it pretty much IS what christianity teaches. At least, TRUE christianity. And I think the whole time, I knew this deep down... But I didn't want to admit it...

    So, what's up with me now? Well, first, I should probably go into a bit more detail of the circumstances that surrounded the incidents on the forum here. First, I was a guy who hated abortion and same sex marriage with a passion. It would make me angry as all hell. And I had this idea drilled into my head known as "family values". I hated those things because I felt that they contradicted what I held to be extremely sacred. There was no reasoning with me. It was firmly planted in place. Then came this fateful day where I asked a question that slowly lead to the destruction of my faith. Heaven came into question... Could you have a family in heaven? Is there sex there? Could you have a child there? Were there even hugs or kisses? It was cause Archie mentioned this on all in the family. Obviously, this prompted me to ask. I asked on a forum, and, I have to say, the responses were certainly not pleasant. I was terrified. Shocked. Appalled. Incredibly anguished. And so it remained for 3 years. For a while, I had tried the mormons who believed in eternal marriage and "celestial sex". I didn't quite understand what was meant by "spiritual children", but I thought it was better than never having offspring at all. However, I found out that you have to actually get married on earth and if you die before then, you're @#$% out of luck. I also realized how stupid the whole story was. I mean, golden plates? Come on... It was obvious that he made it up... I had a lot of great memories, though, and during that time, met this awesome girl on the internet who disappeared who I still miss very much. So, after that, I pressed on. I STILL held family values closely, but it was an issue that was extremely severe. Of course, the article on this website, "Will I see my grandpa naked after the rapture?" didn't help matters. Infact, it made me consider killing a certain website creator who shall remain nameless. Of course, I was never serious about it, because what kind of a girl would want a guy who did something like that? Eventually, it led me to ask more and more questions... Every question I asked, another grew in it's place. Little did I know at the time, it was bringing God's wisdom and omnipotence into question. As I read a few anime fanfics, particularly this one called "New Ranma", I started seeing things from the perspective of homosexuals and slowly unhardened my heart towards them. I still had issues with them, but I was slowly beginning to realize that I had been lied to. Especially with all this B.S. about "family values". They NEVER cared about family values! It was all a lie in order to manipulate voters as well as to cover up their own sexual insecurities. One day, I just said "Okay, you know what? I'm not going to hate homosexuals anymore. From now on, it's between them and God. Then, I very briefly looked at the Jehovah's Witness's. They too seemed to believe that you could have a family and offspring forever. But they also had some terrible flaws. But so did the mormons, and, quite frankly, I was willing to put up with ANYTHING if it meant having a family for eternity. However, the notion of this whole "no sex in heaven" issue was rapidly chipping away at my sanity. A little bit before the end, I was getting so upset over it, I actually started to curse and hit stuff and be violent, which was really scaring me. Then, I decided that I had to pray. It seemed to help, and I vowed that from then on, every time I started to worry about it, I would pray to God. But this time, instead of doing the usual ritual of holding my hands together, I would just talk to God as if he was in the room. . It seemed effective at first, but every time I prayed, it seemed less effective than the last. Eventually, it God to the point where it barely worked at all, and I was worried and depressed about it and talking to this one atheist... And so, it happened... He pointed out a verse in the bible where Moses orders his men to kill all the men, women, and little boys, but keep the little virgin girls alive for themselves. My reverence for women got the better of me... And I finally realized what was going on... I saw it as clear as a bell... Yahweh... was just a cruel, mean, evil, insane, megalomaniacal, oppressive dictator. Everything made sense...

    So, I broke free from the chains of religion... I was finally able to do what I wanted without the fear of hell looming over my head. I could now look at OTHER religions. It was the first time in a long time that I felt at peace... And I also could even use magic if I wanted! Sadly, after looking critically at things, I found there was no such thing as magic, which was incredibly disappointing. So, now, I understand the whole point of this website and why the people on here say what they say and come from where they come from. People who get offended by this website are missing the point entirely...

    So, if it's okay with you, I'd actually like to talk to you all seriously... Even in PM's...

    Also, please, ask me questions. I LOVE answering questions about me.
  • JonathanClement
    Confirmed Enemy of God
    BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
    • Mar 2008
    • 37

    #2
    Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

    P.S. I wanted to thank you guys for all of this... I have to say that it was fun while it lasted... So, thanks, guys... It's been a hell of a ride...

    Comment

    • One-eyed Jack
      True Christian™
      True Christian™
      • Nov 2007
      • 1092

      #3
      Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

      The LORD knows all and sees the fall of every sparrow, but even He doesn't want to hear all the details about your personal experiences with anime and celestial sex.

      I am sorry to read of your sordid stumbling into the twin pits of rationalism and atheism. It is a tragedy. For if a man standeth with one leg in a deep hole, and his other leg in another deep hole, how can he walk with Jesus?

      He can't! His sin has got him high-centered.

      Don't get stuck on yourself!

      ~~ OEJ

      Comment

      • JonathanClement
        Confirmed Enemy of God
        BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
        • Mar 2008
        • 37

        #4
        Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

        Oh, yeah? Well... God told me to tell you that she's actually a woman...

        Comment

        • Ezekiel Bathfire
          Pastor for Diversity and Tolerance
          Christ's Rottweiler
           
          • Jan 2008
          • 22895

          #5
          Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

          Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
          *looks... Also, please, ask me questions. I LOVE answering questions about me.
          Thank you for sharing the cathartic prose above, I read most of it. I am glad you see that
          I basically had this idea that I could "Take Landover Baptist down" because I saw it as "blasphemy".
          was wrong – this is what an Islamist would call, “Waging War Against God” and is doomed from the start.

          I have no quarrel with,
          Obviously, I saw the site at blasphemy and insulting to God... I think I also kind of wanted to be the "good guy" in my own head... And also... I think it was because I was scared that this is what Christianity actually taught... And looking at it now, it pretty much IS what Christianity teaches. At least, TRUE Christianity. And I think the whole time, I knew this deep down... But I didn't want to admit it...
          because Landover Baptist is The One True Christian Church™

          However, just as I was hoping that there was a change from the heathen hordes of the Unsaved™, you come up with,
          One day, I just said "Okay, you know what? I'm not going to hate homosexuals anymore. From now on, it's between them and God.”
          Here you are not quite missing the command from God to go forth and preach His Word but are coming close to backsliding – I feel the B.A.S.H. Ministry (see Home Page) would be able to instil some greater fire and faith into you as far as degenerate homers are concerned.

          Then you start spitting in God’s face,
          I saw it as clear as a bell... Yahweh... was just a cruel, mean, evil, insane, megalomaniacal, oppressive dictator. Everything made sense...”
          The Lord of Hosts is ineffable – whatever you may think is irrelevant and even thinking it in the way you do is blasphemy and thus your eternal soul is forever condemned to the deepest Pits of Hell. Just because your brain does not understand, does not make you right and God wrong. Look at the wealth and beauty of the world today, and look at the place it was shortly after the Flood- you’ve got to say that we all have it better and this is because of God’s Plan, which none of us foresaw!

          Let me say once and for all that God Is Love. He gave His Only Begotten Son to offer us Salvation™. Each Bible verse is love – the ignorant and the heathen, the joo and the salad-bar Christian, the believer in false prophets (e.g. catlicks, mormons, etc) ignore verses in which The Lord Of Hosts waxes wrath – but, I beseech you, hold onto your Faith; all is always for the very best. Time after time this is shown to be True.

          You end with,
          People who get offended by this website are missing the point entirely...
          I can say Yes to that but looking above – you seem to have missed the point too – we are amazed and offended to hear you even suggest that God might have the slightest fault – you will never hear that here – he is perfect and it is the Unsaved™ who are imperfect.

          As you have committed the unforgivable crime of blasphemy, I hold no hope for your soul, however, constant praying, giving all your wealth to the Church (choose wisely) and living like a hermit for the rest of your days fervently believing in God and His goodness, may shorten Eternity in the Pits of Hell by a few hours.

          If I have missed any points in your litany above, it is because I was distracted by paint drying.

          PS:
          I LOVE answering questions about me.
          Is your head really that far up your…?
          sigpic


          “We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

          Author of such illuminating essays as,
          Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.

          Comment

          • Mrs. Mary Whitford
            Ladies of Landover Senior VP
            One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
            Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
            True Christian™
            • Dec 2006
            • 12414

            #6
            Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

            Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
            So, now, I understand the whole point of this website
            You spit all over God, reject the gift of salvation Jesus DIED ON THE CROSS to offer you, and embrace Richard Dawkins, then say you "understand the whole point of this website"?!?!!? THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS WEBSITE IS TO SAVE SOULS!!! I cried for a good ten minutes before I could pull myself together enough to reply to you! I've seen people misunderstand us (call us "racist", "homophobic", and "misogynistic"), but this takes the cake! People blame us for a lot of things, but to blame us for their own apostasy?
            I can't even begin to put in words how much you have upset me. You've decided you'd rather go to Hell than to Heaven. That's horrible, but that's your choice. But don't try to drag us down with you!
            Posted via Prayer

            1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
            Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

            Blogging for CHRIST!
            Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
            All a-Twitter for Salvation!
            Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
            On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
            My Ladies of Landover profile!

            Comment

            • JonathanClement
              Confirmed Enemy of God
              BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
              • Mar 2008
              • 37

              #7
              Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

              LOL!

              "THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS WEBSITE IS TO SAVE SOULS
              !!!"

              And it DID! Or at least, it HELPED. It saved MY soul from having my lively-hood, not to mention 10% of my income robbed from me.

              Oh, and if this upsets you, you're gonna LOVE this!


              GOD IS A WOMAN!


              GOD IS A WOMAN!


              GOD IS A WOMAN!


              GOD IS A WOMAN!

              LMAO!

              Comment

              • Wide-Open
                Director of European Evangelical Outreach
                A Shining Example of Christ's Love
                Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
                True Christian™
                • Nov 2007
                • 18449

                #8
                Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                Friend, are you on drugs?
                Psalm 81:10:
                I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
                open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

                Comment

                • JonathanClement
                  Confirmed Enemy of God
                  BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                  • Mar 2008
                  • 37

                  #9
                  Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                  Nope! I've seen the light! God is a beautiful woman!

                  Comment

                  • Mrs. Mary Whitford
                    Ladies of Landover Senior VP
                    One of the Truest Christians™ Ever
                    Mama Grizzly and formerly Sister Mary Maria
                    True Christian™
                    • Dec 2006
                    • 12414

                    #10
                    Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                    Any more of this blasphemy and harsh measures may need to be taken.
                    Posted via Prayer

                    1 Timothy 2:13-15 For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.
                    Bearing my husband's heirs and being SAVED!

                    Blogging for CHRIST!
                    Witnessing for GOD on YouTube!
                    All a-Twitter for Salvation!
                    Bringing Jesus to MySpace!
                    On FIRE for the Lord on Facebook!
                    My Ladies of Landover profile!

                    Comment

                    • JonathanClement
                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                      • Mar 2008
                      • 37

                      #11
                      Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                      Your harsh measures are infinitely small compared to what God is gonna do! REPENT! For she will not reveal herself! Don't hate me! I'm just the messenger!

                      Comment

                      • Bobby-Joe
                        Landover Security Superviser
                        Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert
                        NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
                        True Christian™
                        • Sep 2006
                        • 18405

                        #12
                        Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                        Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
                        Your harsh measures are infinitely small compared to what God is gonna do! REPENT! For she will not reveal herself! Don't hate me! I'm just the messenger!
                        Friend,

                        God is a He. That should be obvious enough, males are the creators of life.

                        Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

                        Hot Must ReadThreads!


                        Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

                        Comment

                        • Nobar King
                          Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
                          Christ's Guardian
                          True Christian™
                          • Sep 2007
                          • 23748

                          #13
                          Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                          A Christian trolling a Christian message board? That doesn't sound very Christian to me. I suspect that you are just trolling again and pulling our leg to make us feel bad, that we failed. Jesus has obviously called you back for one more attempt to become a True Christian. The longer you wait the more you risk perishing and joining Satan in his Hell pits. Is that really what you want?
                          May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

                          Comment

                          • Deaner
                            Christ's Love Messenger
                            True Christian™
                            • Sep 2006
                            • 5932

                            #14
                            Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                            Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
                            GOD IS A WOMAN!
                            God is a fierce killer. If God was a woman then the whole Bible would be about recipe's. Stop being so stupid.

                            Comment

                            • JonathanClement
                              Confirmed Enemy of God
                              BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                              • Mar 2008
                              • 37

                              #15
                              Re: Hey, guys! ^.^

                              Lizards who are ALL female? Queen bee's? Queen Ants? YOU DARE QUESTION GOD!!! YOU... YOU... YOU HERETIC!!! YOU DISGUSTING, VILE HERETIC!!! NEVER! NEVER QUESTION GOD! AND NEVER BLASPHEME NATURE!

                              (Seriously, I'm not here to troll. I just want to make a few friends here with people who hate christianity with the same passion that I do.)

                              Comment

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