Ask an Authentic Wiccan

[Witch of Endor]

Bright Blessings, friends. In an effort to improve Christian-Witch relations before your annual Witch-hunt begins, I have been authorized to answer any and all of your questions regarding the world's certifiably oldest mystery religion; that of the Flocculent Lagomorph Coven (est. 2006). I promise to answer all queries both promptly and honestly. Blessed be, my Christian friends Kassandra, Witch of Endor

[Phebe Carlyle]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Bright Blessings, friends. In an effort to improve Christian-Witch relations before your annual Witch-hunt begins, I have been authorized to answer any and all of your questions regarding the world's certifiably oldest mystery religion; that of the Flocculent Lagomorph Coven (est. 2006). I promise to answer all queries both promptly and honestly. Blessed be, my Christian friends Kassandra, Witch of Endor

If it's the world's oldest mystery religion, why was it established only 4 years ago?

Thank you Miss Witch.

YIC

Mrs Phebe Dewitt.

[Johannes Kirkeholm]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Hi, Witch!

How many babies do you eat a day? And why do you eat babies when it is evil?

[Witch of Endor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

If it's the world's oldest mystery religion, why was it established only 4 years ago?

This is an excellent question Mrs. Dewitt, and one that I am sure will help clear up any misconceptions about Wicca.

You see, Pagans operate on something called Pagan Standard Time, or PST for short. PST does not work like any other time-zone, but instead causes things to happen much later than they are scheduled to. For example, if a Pagan has a reservation at a restaurant for 4 PM sharp, due to the influences of PST the Pagan might show up anywhere between 4:15 PM or several years down the road. The interesting thing about PST is it slows down time in direct proportion to the importance of the event. Now, if we apply the principles of PST to the founding of the Flocculent Lagomorph Coven, we can easily see how it is both the world's oldest mystery religion and was only established four years ago. In short, it existed for eons, but nobody got around to the official founding of it until very recently. I hope this has cleared up some misconceptions.

Blessed be, my differently time-zoned friend

Kassandra, Witch of Endor

[Lisa H]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Why do you run around fires naked.

[Witch of Endor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Hi, Witch!

How many babies do you eat a day? And why do you eat babies when it is evil?

While I cannot release an actual number to you, I can assure you the number of babies I eat in a day is somewhere between the numbers 0 and 0.

I think if you read the answer to my first question you will also get the answer to your second.

Why do you run around fires naked.

An excellent question Ms. Lisa.

You see, the reason witches run around fires naked is because witches do pretty much everything naked. This can obviously lead to problems with frostbite in colder climates and insect bites in awkward places. So, we run around fires because not only does it keep us warm, it also keeps away mosquitos and other biting insects.

Blessed be, my inquiring friends

Kassandra, Witch of Endor

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

There is a nude bush party every Easter in New South Wales. Would that attract wiccans?

[Witch of Endor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

There is a nude bush party every Easter in New South Wales. Would that attract wiccans?

Absolutely, Ms. Lizalor. In fact, I would be willing to bet that everybody who attends that event is either a Wiccan, Pagan, or a Heathen. As a Wiccan womyn myself, I can safely say that the only thing Wiccan womyn like more than bristling bushes and firm trees is the prospect of a naked party.

Blessed be, my (presumably) south-of-the-equator friend

Kassandra, Witch of Endor

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Absolutely .. firm trees

somebody had I heard there was a clockwork tree there this year!

[Titus Templeton]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Do you worship Stonehenge?

[Lisa H]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Do you keep men for breading only and eat them afterwards?

Are warlocks more powerful than witches.

[Witch of Endor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Do you worship Stonehenge?

An excellent question, Mr. Templeton, and also a very common misconception about Wiccans. What you are thinking about thinking about are Druids, which while similar, are not Wiccans. Wiccans, as a whole, prefer soft, supple, natural things to the tall, stiff rock-hard monoliths that are Stonehenge

Do you keep men for breading only and eat them afterwards?

No, not many men will willingly breed with a witch. It would make it a whole lot harder to find men if we ate them.

Are warlocks more powerful than witches.

"Warlock" is actually a very offensive term in the Pagan community. Everybody, male and female, is a witch, and we try not to use the W-word.

Blessed be, my inquisitive friends

Kassandra, Witch of Endor

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

Bright Blessings, friends. In an effort to improve Christian-Witch relations before your annual Witch-hunt begins, I have been authorized to answer any and all of your questions regarding the world's certifiably oldest mystery religion; that of the Flocculent Lagomorph Coven (est. 2006). I promise to answer all queries both promptly and honestly. Blessed be, my Christian friends Kassandra, Witch of Endor

What's a mystery religion? Is it a religion that makes so little sense that it's impossible to work out why anyone follows it?

[Johannes Kirkeholm]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

While I cannot release an actual number to you, I can assure you the number of babies I eat in a day is somewhere between the numbers 0 and 0.

Aha! A smart trick, witch! But I used to be an stupid atheist and I still know a bit of math. Ever heard of complex numbers? a + ib? This means that there are a lot of numbers between 0 and 0 such as (0 + 4i) and (0 + 2i) for example. These numbers are called imaginary numbers, so I guess you are saying that you eat between 0 and an infinite number of imaginary babies each day. Sick!

Proverbs 6:16-19
These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren

[Witch of Endor]

Re: Ask an Authentic Wiccan

What's a mystery religion? Is it a religion that makes so little sense that it's impossible to work out why anyone follows it?

... you could say that, yes.

Aha! A smart trick, witch! But I used to be an stupid atheist and I still know a bit of math. Ever heard of complex numbers? a + ib? This means that there are a lot of numbers between 0 and 0 such as (0 + 4i) and (0 + 2i) for example. These numbers are called irrational numbers, so I guess you are saying that you eat between 0 and an infinite number of irrational babies each day. Sick!

What is this? A Christian engaging in the forbidden art of numerology? You may want to read this and repent before any TermiWix goons award you with an all expense paid one-way ticket to Freehold.

Also, please correct me if I'm wrong, but did you just refer to Christian babies as irrational? I only ask because that is the accepted stereotype, yes? That witches eat Christian babies? It seems that you may very well still be an atheist friend, at least from the derogatory way you are referring to Christian babies. I don't care if you are, but your fellows may be mad to see you impersonating a Christian, friend.

Blessed be, my numerological friend

Kassandra, Witch of Endor