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I just got my very own computer to help me spread the word of God. I had been going to the local sin-bin (the library) every day to try and post messages around the intertubes about the glory of God, but after the restraining order came out (God told me to research pornography on all 17 terminals in the library at the same time so I could find examples that I could include in my cyber-testimony against perversion) I had to find a new way to get God’s word out.
After I walked the streets asking for donations to my ministry, I saved up enough money to buy a used computer at the Christian Life bookstore. Normally I wouldn’t interact with those lowlife heathens (you wouldn’t believe how they try to justify selling anything other than the King James Bible in their ‘Christian’ bookstore!) but I believe God wanted me to walk into Satan’s den and come out with a new laptop. My 2nd cousin who is works on the computers told me about a site named “Google” as a way to find the unsaved and give my testimony to them. I searched the Google for “Baptist Church” and looked at the top hits. I was SHOCKED at what I found:
The first hit was from something called WikiPedia. After spending some time on that site and seeing all of the disgusting lies it contains (they have the gall to admit to the public that they believe that evolution is true!?!) I think it should be called WikidPedia. Just to be sure, I spent several hours verifying the amount of filthy pages about sex and other important topics like under-aged sex and teenage sex and masturbation, and hot young asian sex. Sure enough after an exhausting 29 hours, I can confirm that WikidPedia should be banned from the Google. I wrote an electronic letter to Mr. Google with all of the evidence that I had found and asked him to ban WikidPedia from the intertubes.
The second hit was for The American Baptist Church website. Friends, I can tell you I was initially elated. This site seemed to have three things going for it: "It's "American;" it's "Baptist;" and it has "Church" right there in its name! You can imagine my shock and horror when I read the very first sentence on their interwebpage: "American Baptist Churches is one of the most diverse Christian denominations today...." What!?! How can a God-Fearing Baptist™ admit such a thing? I know in my heart that the only way to salvation is staying in a community that is just like me: Baptist and Saved. I again wrote to Mr. Google telling them that this site is a total mismatch for the search "Baptist church" and he should ban it from the interwebs.
The third hit I found was for the "Southern Baptist Convention." Unlike the previous site, this had only two things going for it: It is "Southern;" and it is "Baptist." That it is a "Convention" is a big strike against it since only dentists and whores go to conventions. If God wanted whores to have good teeth he would have created an America with a universal health program. He didn’t so that settles it. I know that God’s plan for all the whores near me have bad teeth or, in a better testament to God’s Glory, no teeth at all. Then and only then will I be able to shout Glory at the good feeling I get from testifying to them personally.
After I took a mission downtown to investigate all of the whores and see which ones had teeth and which ones had only silky smooth gums, I went back to further examine this “Southern Baptist Convention” website. Right there on the homepage I saw some damning text: “…focusing on those still missing from God's family and our Great Commission call to reach them.” A call to reach those who are missing from God’s family? How exactly, I thought to myself, are they going to reach these unsaved heathens? If by “reach” you mean “will my ICBM REACH all them middle-eastern countries” then I (and God) are for it. But sadly, further reading exposed them for what they are: Baptists in name only. They want to reach out to Jewists, Muslims, Atheists and all other Jesus-Deniers and try to teach them all about Jesus. That is bad for two reasons. First, since there are only 144,000 people who will end up going to heaven, the more people the SBC tries to get saved, the lower the odds I have of getting in. Second, if you save a Muslim, how do you know that he won’t be wearing a suicide vest when he gets into heaven and that he won’t blow the whole place to hell? You can’t take that risk!
What a sad state of the world when even organizations like the SBC are a bunch of heathen-coddlers. As one would expect, I again wrote to Mr. Google and told him that only a TrueChristian™ interwebpage should be in the results for “Baptist Church” and since the SBC is actually reaching out to the unsaved, they cannot be TrueChristians™. I suggested to Mr. Google that he could filter the results by checking for words like “love”, “welcoming”, “diverse”, “decaffeinated”, or “Jews” (unless “Jews” is within 3 word of both “Jesus” and “Hating” or “Murderers”) before showing the results. Any site that has those words on their home page is not a TrueChristian™ site and should be banned from the interwebs.
By the way... I have yet to hear back from Mr. Google, so I am resending these emails to him daily in case the interweb tubes have been clogged up.
As true testament to God’s Glory, the fourth site on the serach results for “Baptist Church” was what I had been looking for: The Landover Baptist website. I am posting here now for the very first time. Your tag line “Where the unsaved are unwelcome” is exactly what Christianity is all about and I am so excited to enter into your community and give my testimony however I can. A new computer, a new set of on-line friends, a new toothless whore to testify to… It makes me feel exactly like what I am: A 39 year old virgin. I hope I will find many more like me here and that we can all express our love for God together.
Sincerely,
TRUERCristian
After I walked the streets asking for donations to my ministry, I saved up enough money to buy a used computer at the Christian Life bookstore. Normally I wouldn’t interact with those lowlife heathens (you wouldn’t believe how they try to justify selling anything other than the King James Bible in their ‘Christian’ bookstore!) but I believe God wanted me to walk into Satan’s den and come out with a new laptop. My 2nd cousin who is works on the computers told me about a site named “Google” as a way to find the unsaved and give my testimony to them. I searched the Google for “Baptist Church” and looked at the top hits. I was SHOCKED at what I found:
The first hit was from something called WikiPedia. After spending some time on that site and seeing all of the disgusting lies it contains (they have the gall to admit to the public that they believe that evolution is true!?!) I think it should be called WikidPedia. Just to be sure, I spent several hours verifying the amount of filthy pages about sex and other important topics like under-aged sex and teenage sex and masturbation, and hot young asian sex. Sure enough after an exhausting 29 hours, I can confirm that WikidPedia should be banned from the Google. I wrote an electronic letter to Mr. Google with all of the evidence that I had found and asked him to ban WikidPedia from the intertubes.
The second hit was for The American Baptist Church website. Friends, I can tell you I was initially elated. This site seemed to have three things going for it: "It's "American;" it's "Baptist;" and it has "Church" right there in its name! You can imagine my shock and horror when I read the very first sentence on their interwebpage: "American Baptist Churches is one of the most diverse Christian denominations today...." What!?! How can a God-Fearing Baptist™ admit such a thing? I know in my heart that the only way to salvation is staying in a community that is just like me: Baptist and Saved. I again wrote to Mr. Google telling them that this site is a total mismatch for the search "Baptist church" and he should ban it from the interwebs.
The third hit I found was for the "Southern Baptist Convention." Unlike the previous site, this had only two things going for it: It is "Southern;" and it is "Baptist." That it is a "Convention" is a big strike against it since only dentists and whores go to conventions. If God wanted whores to have good teeth he would have created an America with a universal health program. He didn’t so that settles it. I know that God’s plan for all the whores near me have bad teeth or, in a better testament to God’s Glory, no teeth at all. Then and only then will I be able to shout Glory at the good feeling I get from testifying to them personally.
After I took a mission downtown to investigate all of the whores and see which ones had teeth and which ones had only silky smooth gums, I went back to further examine this “Southern Baptist Convention” website. Right there on the homepage I saw some damning text: “…focusing on those still missing from God's family and our Great Commission call to reach them.” A call to reach those who are missing from God’s family? How exactly, I thought to myself, are they going to reach these unsaved heathens? If by “reach” you mean “will my ICBM REACH all them middle-eastern countries” then I (and God) are for it. But sadly, further reading exposed them for what they are: Baptists in name only. They want to reach out to Jewists, Muslims, Atheists and all other Jesus-Deniers and try to teach them all about Jesus. That is bad for two reasons. First, since there are only 144,000 people who will end up going to heaven, the more people the SBC tries to get saved, the lower the odds I have of getting in. Second, if you save a Muslim, how do you know that he won’t be wearing a suicide vest when he gets into heaven and that he won’t blow the whole place to hell? You can’t take that risk!
What a sad state of the world when even organizations like the SBC are a bunch of heathen-coddlers. As one would expect, I again wrote to Mr. Google and told him that only a TrueChristian™ interwebpage should be in the results for “Baptist Church” and since the SBC is actually reaching out to the unsaved, they cannot be TrueChristians™. I suggested to Mr. Google that he could filter the results by checking for words like “love”, “welcoming”, “diverse”, “decaffeinated”, or “Jews” (unless “Jews” is within 3 word of both “Jesus” and “Hating” or “Murderers”) before showing the results. Any site that has those words on their home page is not a TrueChristian™ site and should be banned from the interwebs.
By the way... I have yet to hear back from Mr. Google, so I am resending these emails to him daily in case the interweb tubes have been clogged up.
As true testament to God’s Glory, the fourth site on the serach results for “Baptist Church” was what I had been looking for: The Landover Baptist website. I am posting here now for the very first time. Your tag line “Where the unsaved are unwelcome” is exactly what Christianity is all about and I am so excited to enter into your community and give my testimony however I can. A new computer, a new set of on-line friends, a new toothless whore to testify to… It makes me feel exactly like what I am: A 39 year old virgin. I hope I will find many more like me here and that we can all express our love for God together.
Sincerely,
TRUERCristian
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