Tweet
Letter To The Editor:
Last night I came within a hairbreath of death, literally moments away from a closed-casket funeral. It started just after midnight, when I heard noises in my backyard. Needless to say, in this situation you have only two choices:
A broom is a woman's item, and picking up a phone is pretty much the same thing. That leaves only machine-guns.
So anyway, I was laying down suppressive fire, while my neighbour provided target servicing by taking potshots at muzzle flashes (though they turned out to be my own - well, it's the spirit that counts). Eventually I spotted a second intruder taking shelter behind a woodpile, good thing my armor-pierching bullets were close at hand. There was a lot of screaming from a third position, but of course such an obvious ruse only drew more fire. Someone driving by fired a few shots too, though I'm assuming it was a good samaritan.
A steady rate of fire was kept up until sunrise, when we could finally figure out what was going on.
The first intruder was the nieghbor's teenage son, who thought that by sneaking through my yard he could get away with breaking curfew. I'm sure he's learned a valuable lesson, and will be thanking us someday, when he comes out of his coma. The second intruder was my adolescent daughter, who decided to play paramedic but did nothing but draw fire. The third intruder was either an uncover or off-duty police officer, either way he was out of uniform, and he can't prove all that shrapnel in his legs isn't from his own ricochets. Out of sympathy for his plight (we all make mistakes, after all) I gave a generous donation to the Freehold Police Association.
No charges have been laid, and the property damage was superficial (a dog died a mile or so away, but they can't prove it wasn't a meteorite). Over all I'm impressed with the conduct of everybody involved. However, I'm still I'm disturbed by what a close call we all had. After all, what if it had NOT been "tiny" Tim Worthington, Lily "lilliput" Thurmond, and that affirmative-action cop, whatever his name is? WHAT IF it had been actual criminals?
First of all, my firewood, bird bath, and imported goldfishes would have been at the mercy of the invader. Tim managed to climb into a commanding position from which he could have pinned down everyone on the property, had he been bothering to exercise his second amendment rights that night. Lillyput also managed to manoeuvre more effectively than I could have anticipated, I knew she's skinny and of course she started from inside the citadel which is a bit of an advantage, but then again it would be irresponsible to rule out the possibility of inside jobs.
This was a CLOSE CALL. Clearly the answer is more gun rights - I'm thinking some sort of system of moats that can be flooded with napalm, maybe an option to make the golf course watering system double as a flamethrower system - but with Obama plotting to ban everything up to butter knives, it's clear we're more helpless than ever.
I weep for my nation!
Last night I came within a hairbreath of death, literally moments away from a closed-casket funeral. It started just after midnight, when I heard noises in my backyard. Needless to say, in this situation you have only two choices:
A broom is a woman's item, and picking up a phone is pretty much the same thing. That leaves only machine-guns.So anyway, I was laying down suppressive fire, while my neighbour provided target servicing by taking potshots at muzzle flashes (though they turned out to be my own - well, it's the spirit that counts). Eventually I spotted a second intruder taking shelter behind a woodpile, good thing my armor-pierching bullets were close at hand. There was a lot of screaming from a third position, but of course such an obvious ruse only drew more fire. Someone driving by fired a few shots too, though I'm assuming it was a good samaritan.
A steady rate of fire was kept up until sunrise, when we could finally figure out what was going on.
The first intruder was the nieghbor's teenage son, who thought that by sneaking through my yard he could get away with breaking curfew. I'm sure he's learned a valuable lesson, and will be thanking us someday, when he comes out of his coma. The second intruder was my adolescent daughter, who decided to play paramedic but did nothing but draw fire. The third intruder was either an uncover or off-duty police officer, either way he was out of uniform, and he can't prove all that shrapnel in his legs isn't from his own ricochets. Out of sympathy for his plight (we all make mistakes, after all) I gave a generous donation to the Freehold Police Association.
No charges have been laid, and the property damage was superficial (a dog died a mile or so away, but they can't prove it wasn't a meteorite). Over all I'm impressed with the conduct of everybody involved. However, I'm still I'm disturbed by what a close call we all had. After all, what if it had NOT been "tiny" Tim Worthington, Lily "lilliput" Thurmond, and that affirmative-action cop, whatever his name is? WHAT IF it had been actual criminals?
First of all, my firewood, bird bath, and imported goldfishes would have been at the mercy of the invader. Tim managed to climb into a commanding position from which he could have pinned down everyone on the property, had he been bothering to exercise his second amendment rights that night. Lillyput also managed to manoeuvre more effectively than I could have anticipated, I knew she's skinny and of course she started from inside the citadel which is a bit of an advantage, but then again it would be irresponsible to rule out the possibility of inside jobs.
This was a CLOSE CALL. Clearly the answer is more gun rights - I'm thinking some sort of system of moats that can be flooded with napalm, maybe an option to make the golf course watering system double as a flamethrower system - but with Obama plotting to ban everything up to butter knives, it's clear we're more helpless than ever.
I weep for my nation!
Comment