Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

[Elmer G. White]

Brethren, and Sisters of the lesser gender, in the Godless realm of the United Kingdom. They day is approaching when you will all isolate yourselves from the rest of the world, including the True Christian™ community. We can no longer pray together. While all other conceivable problems are peripheral, we at the Landover University have selected to you Biblically sound and non-offensive reading that you can purchase now while you still can. These relatively minor issues that can yet cause havoc are listed below with appropriate verses to convince you of the unimportant nature of these minor inconveniences:

• Food (who needs it? Luke 4:4, John 6:51)
• Security (Prayer usually suffices: Psalms 23:1)
• Isolation (a strict dietary regime and simple clothing was enough for John; Mark 1:6)
• Traitors (Not really a problem in the Eternal perspective; 2 Timothy 3:4)

While Prayer and tithing will probably get the True Christian™ Brexiteers through any hardships - or upon death they'll gain the backdoor pass into Heaven - we have here some secular titles that will help you with the more practical questions of food, medication, etc., while waiting for Jesus to appear and help you. Be swift as there is only a limited number of copies left

The question of food:



A happy hardship Brexit housewife will not let the shortage of imported, fresh and microbiologically clean foods stop her from preparing exquisite meals to her Godly husband. Remember, however, that the most important asset that you can stock is the Spiritual one!

Acts 13:26
Men and brethren, children of the stock of Abraham, and whosoever among you feareth God, to you is the word of this salvation sent.

The question of security (two great books):





It is possible that the un-Godly element that includes the Welsh, the Irish, the Scots, the Scousers, The CoE supporters, the Royalty, and the lingering French with their negligible lingerie will have to be dealt with. Prepare for frequent controls when you drive to a scenic picnic spot (or pedal after you run out of gas or "petrol", as you amusingly call the fluid of Godly Combustion). The Harsh Brexit offers your population an unprecedented chance to return to the Biblical Lifestyle, so you must prevent any escape attempts. Of course, no-one can ever really escape!

Matthew 23:33
Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?

The question of isolation:



I had always thought that the author Enid Blyton was the evil transgender twin of Harry Potter's great-grandmother but, as it turns out, he is an active writer occupied with the future of Britain. Isolation is no problem. In the post-Brexit UK people are lucky not to need the Great Wall (unlike America). For the Godly U.S. of A. this Fenced Freedom must be bought with the Godly Dollar, but the UK citizens got their Watery Wall free.

Acts 22:28
And the chief captain answered, With a great sum obtained I this freedom. And Paul said, But I was free born.

The question of Traitors:



Inevitably, some of your countrymen and/or women will want to escape the food shortages, the riots and the final collapse of the National Health System (a collapse that started decades ago). The Bible offers you some Spiritual advice about the treatment of these traitors.

Acts 27:42
And the soldiers' counsel was to kill the prisoners, lest any of them should swim out, and escape.

The Simple life after the Hardcore Brexit:



Britain can finally go back to simple pleasures and a Godly life. Quite a few, maybe more than can be counted with the fingers of one hand, sinners will repent and join the True Christian™ community. As international communications cease, your fate will remain unknown for a while. The more we shall rejoice once we reach Heaven and you'll be able to share with us all the fun anecdotes and conversion stories of your twilight years in the United realm of great Brexit and Bothersome Ireland. Glory to Jesus, etc. You are going to find God in all His Glory through this hardship. Praise Jesus!

Daniel 9:3
And I set my face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer and supplications, with fasting, and sackcloth, and ashes:


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Brexit is one of those fancy European things and like smelly French cheese I couldn't care less about it.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

All the British need to do to survive this is to show a little confidence and bluff their way through. Works a charm for the independently wealthy! Up and over the top. That's the spirit, boys!

[Pim Pendergast]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Some other minor inconveniences the Brits should prepare for:

• Earthquakes
• Volcanic eruptions
• Tsunamis

On 29 March 2019, Britain will leave Europe.



I predict that a Ring of Fire, similar to that around the Pacific Plate, will spring up around Great Britain, also affecting Ireland and France.

Earthquakes

How should God's elect among the British prepare for earthquakes? By rejoicing! Earthquakes are a sign of the End Times. Jesus is surely coming soon.

Mk 13:8 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. (see also Mt 24:7; Lk 21:11)

Earthquakes bring glory to God, especially when they kill lots of people.

Rev 11:13 And the same hour was there a great earthquake, and the tenth part of the city fell, and in the earthquake were slain of men seven thousand: and the remnant were affrighted, and gave glory to the God of heaven.

Earthquakes may even break you out of prison if you are ever falsely arrested for your faith.

Acts 16:26 And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bands were loosed.

Volcanic Eruptions

Volcanoes are an instrument of God's wrath.

Is 29:6 Thou shalt be visited of the Lord of hosts with thunder, and with earthquake, and great noise, with storm and tempest, and the flame of devouring fire.

Brexit will present God with new opportunities to visit His wrath upon the Catholic French and Irish and the atheistic British. But should the True Christian™ be worried? Volcanoes pose no threat if there are more than ten righteous persons in the town or city where you live.

Gen 18:32 And [Abraham] said, Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found [in Sodom]. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.

Gen 19:24-28
24 Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven;
25 And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
27 And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the Lord:
28 And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

But I know ten is a hard ask in Britain. Perhaps you should move further inland on the new British continent away from the fault line. Either that or hope to be rescued by an angel.

Tsunamis

Ever wonder why sometimes the Bible promises something but then it doesn't happen? This is because you've got to claim God's promises. If there is a tsunami alert in your area, get down on your knees before God and pray, reminding Him of what He said in Job, and then disaster should be averted.

Job 38:8-11
8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?
9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,
10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,
11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

The Irish Border

I predict that all talk of a hard border with the Republic of Ireland will prove moot when the Emerald Isle shall be rent in twain by the tectonic upheaval, bringing an end to the Troubles and the perseuction of Protestants in Northern Ireland. I suspect the name Peleg will probably enjoy newfound popularity.

Gen 10:25 And unto Eber were born two sons: the name of one was Peleg; for in his days was the earth divided; and his brother's name was Joktan.

The Upside

Britain will be shielded from the migrant crisis when it begins to pull away from France and the Channel Tunnel floods. A ring of volcanic islands will spring up and the distance by sea between Britain and France will grow, making it harder to cross.

It is a mystery to me why none of the secular academics and pundits who have speculated about what will happen when Britain leaves Europe have thought about this.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

I predict that a Ring of Fire, similar to that around the Pacific Plate, will spring up around Great Britain, also affecting Ireland and France.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

We'd all like to see Nigel Farage as a modern day Moses leading his chosen people from slavery under the Pharaoh - first delivering plagues from Lancaster bombers, and then parting the waters of the English Channel and drowning the pursuing pencil necked bureaucrats from Brussels.

Sadly, what they have for "Republicans" are the spineless nappy wearing Tories. They are quickly becoming a shithole country just like the rest of the EU.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

They are quickly becoming a shithole country just like the rest of the EU.

Great News for Not-so-Great Britain! Brother President Trump has come to its aid with a brand spanking new trade agreement, as reported in the Daily Express here.

The US President announced that the special relationship will be “strengthened further” following a new mutual trade arrangement agreed by both countries worth at least at least £12.8billion a year for trans-Atlantic trade.

So after Brexit, Britons will not starve as they will have all the chlorinated chicken and canned cheese they can eat.

For the record, £12.8 billion is currently the equivalent of about $16.5 billion. The trade will obviously be one-way, as Britain has little to export now and will have something between nothing and less than nothing after the end of March. This means that British trade alone will pay for The Wall within two years, according to the cost of $25 billion estimated by a proper statistician from Fox News.

UK and US officials signed a “Mutual Recognition Agreement” earlier this week

I'm not sure what that means. I suppose it means that the US recognizes the existence (for the time being) of the UK and that the mutual thing was just a sop to the British, as obviously everyone knows that the US exists. In any event, Praise God (and the Godly President) for the special relationship, which looks like becoming all the more special.

[Basilissa]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

I am reviving this thread, so it can be used as a helpful survival guide for our Brothers and Sisters stuck on the other side of the pond.


Also: I will be sending care packages soon. For now, my prayers should be more than enough.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

I am reviving this thread, so it can be used as a helpful survival guide for our Brothers and Sisters stuck on the other side of the pond.

Also: I will be sending care packages soon. For now, my prayers should be more than enough.

Thank you for your prayers, Sister. I am sure they will be selective.

As to the question of care packages, I think the very few people who matter have had the good sense to stockpile so as to supply their needs for the next year or two. Our barns are filled with plenty, and our presses bursting with wine (though rather than the latter, as mentioned in Proverbs 3:9-10, my husband has opted to buy-in high quality vintages.)

There is no need to plan further ahead as - even if we are not (as we pray) Raised to Glory in the very near future - most of the feral population will have slaughtered each other or died of plague by then and there will be plenty left for the rest of us.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

I am given to understand that England was once a Christian country, though I am uncertain as to when that might have been. That island has always suffered from the close proximity of Europe, especially France. It is unclear to me why the English surrendered to the Germans and the French, as it was not their custom in the past, but leaving their recent condition of servitude to the wretches of Europe was a very good idea. Perhaps, now that they have thrown off their yoke of slavery, England will become a Christian land again.

The first step in bringing England to Jesus is to make it English again. In their once great city, London, if you see a passerby who is not Pakistani, Indian (not real Indians- the ones from over by China), Kenyan, Chinese or Arab, they are probably from Poland or Russia. The English have moved out of London. All of those people should be driven into the Chunnel and forced to go to Sweden or some other primitive backwater where there are no Christians to bother. Soon you will find Englishmen moving back to London and the job of bringing the country to Jesus can commence.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

I am given to understand that England was once a Christian country, though I am uncertain as to when that might have been.

Sadly, Brother, those days (if they ever existed) are long gone. There was briefly some hope for the Welsh, a Baptist race. But they are the Wrong Sort of Baptists, i.e. the Welsh sort, and although they sing hymns of praise to God they persist in doing so in their own incomprehensible language while dressed quite unsuitably for proper worship. This is probably the reason why God has long ceased to listen to them.

Here is an example.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Sadly, Brother, those days (if they ever existed) are long gone. There was briefly some hope for the Welsh, a Baptist race. But they are the Wrong Sort of Baptists, i.e. the Welsh sort, and although they sing hymns of praise to God they persist in doing so in their own incomprehensible language while dressed quite unsuitably for proper worship. This is probably the reason why God has long ceased to listen to them.

Here is an example.

Those people are all probably married to their cousins. There are only about five last names in the whole country. Everyone is either a Jones or an Evans or named Llewellyn or Owen. We have a lot of them around here too. They are a sinful lot.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Those people are all probably married to their cousins.

A timely reminder, Brother Alvin, of an all-pervasive problem in Britain. There is an area of Britain - East Angular - where even first cousins are considered foreigners and it is more customary to breed with a sibling or parent. The results are mixed, but I have to admit that there is much to be said for the resulting patriotism.

Today in Norwich (one of the main cities in the area, chiefly famous for mustard, floods and sinkholes) this poster has been attached to a fire door in a public housing apartment block. Some of the apartments have in recent years been invaded by eastern European families and the good folk of Norwich (pronounced to rhyme with porridge) have, quite rightly, had enough.

I, for one, salute their initiative.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Sister Joanna

As I watched the lurid video you provided, Jesus spake into mine ear saying the language of the Welsh is demonic in origin. I recommend a wall to separate them from those living in England. Both are godless, but Jesus speaks perfect English and therefore will give special consideration before tossing Englanders in the fiery pit.

[Basilissa]

Re: Surviving Brexit: Biblical and Biblically Approved Advice

Today in Norwich (one of the main cities in the area, chiefly famous for mustard, floods and sinkholes) this poster has been attached to a fire door in a public housing apartment block. Some of the apartments have in recent years been invaded by eastern European families and the good folk of Norwich (pronounced to rhyme with porridge) have, quite rightly, had enough.
I, for one, salute their initiative.

I would give the author of this note A for Effort, but: "The Queens English"? Is the author implying that British people should reject Received Pronunciation and start speaking like people in Queens, NY, USA? That's not even Proper American!