[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don,

A word about them illegal aliens...

Now, I know you can't arrest every beaner in town. Obviously, the good white citizens of Freehold need gardeners, maids, nannies, etc, and Americans these days are unwilling to do these kinds of dirty jobs for $2/day. So yeah, we're stuck with these foreign-born low-lifes.

But what really worries me is that these Hispanos multiply like rabbits, and unfortunately if they give birth in the great US of A, their little rug rats automatically become American citizens! Needless to say, these new "Americans" live on welfare, food stamps and cocaine, and practice hedonistic religions like Islam.

So that's where you come in, Officer Don. I suggest you park your patrol car just outside the Freehold Hospital. Whenever one of those pregnant beaner women show up to give birth, you immediately arrest her on an immigration violation and have her deported.

Of course, some of them are going to show you a "green card," but you know those are phony and were bought on a street corner in Tijuana. After all, real Americans don't have green cards, we got a driver's license. So I suggest you confiscate the fake ID, cuff the whore, and drive her straight to Freehold Airport to be deported to Mexico. If she gives you any lip, that's what the taser is for. It's important that you get her into the airplane and off the ground before she gives birth to the little beaner rug rat, or else it will be too late and we're gonna have yet another brown-skinned "US citizen" to support.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

P.S. Almost forgot - you can deport the pregnant negro women too. Like Obama, they're all illegals from Africa, even if they got a phony "certificate of live birth" from Hawaii.

[TC Patriot]

Re: Policing Freehold

I take my hat of to the entire Freehold PD. Freehold has the lowest crime rate of any city in the US according to the FBI's uniform crime report.

Freehold's finest are America's the finest!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

I take my hat of to the entire Freehold PD. Freehold has the lowest crime rate of any city in the US according to the FBI's uniform crime report.

You know, Brother Patriot, that got me to thinking about that movie Minority Report. It's set in year 2054 where they got these three "pre-cogs" who can predict when a murder is about to happen, so the pre-crime police go arrest the bad guy before the crime gets committed. So the murder rate goes to zero.

So how can we apply that to Freehold? Well, you gotta get three wise men who can predict the future. I'd volunteer to be one of them. Maybe George Bush and Dick Cheney would be willing to come out of retirement to be the other two. After all, they prevented another 9/11 by rounding up terrorists and incarcerating them in Guantánamo before they could commit any crimes. That just goes to show that this pre-crime arrest idea really works.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Responded to a call placed by a paranoid liberal regarding a small, private medical practice on the south side of Freehold run in accordance to Matthew 5:30.
And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
Apparently, the proprietor is a retired veterinarian who has found the Lord and wants to help people who are struggling with various sins. His personal testimony was so moving I forgot to ask if he had any valid licenses to be operating on humans, but with so much of the Lord our Creator in him, how could he put anybody at risk?

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Richards, any word on that mysterious Kia I posted about earlier? It was gone for the past few days, but don't you know, I was at a stoplight at Exodus and Third when I saw it fly through a green light! Not only is this strange Kia driving around a neighborhood it doesn't belong in, he is also a menace on the roads. The speed limit is 35 at that intersection, but the Kia was traveling at least 45! What if Sister Jenny stepped off the curb with groceries? She would've been killed!

Can you track down this Kia? I'm sure the driver is up to no good.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Can you track down this Kia? I'm sure the driver is up to no good.

Consider me on it. I will ask about it in briefing tomorrow.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Can you track down this Kia? I'm sure the driver is up to no good.

Anyone driving an unpatriotic foreign car should be stopped and heavily fined. And tasered if they give our police officers any lip.

Ditto for any cars with "Obama" bumper stickers.

Officer Don, is there any way you could hook up your patrol car's computer to find out the license plate numbers of registered Democrats? That would give you a fertile field for revenue raising.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, is there any way you could hook up your patrol car's computer to find out the license plate numbers of registered Democrats? That would give you a fertile field for revenue raising.

Officially, no. But that's not to say we don't have a list of names on a clipboard in the locker room.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Intercepted mysterious red Kia that was reported by Rev. Osborne. Pulled the driver over for excessive speed and suspicious behavior. (Kept glancing at my cruiser in his rear view mirror.)

Approaching the vehicle, I noticed that the driver was a Hispanic male, so I drew my .45 just in case. I asked for a driver's license and proof of insurance. A driver's permit was provided, and no insurance.

I asked the driver to step out of the car and place his hands on the hood. Upon searching his person, I uncovered a concealed weapon in the form of a small pocket knife with bottle opened and tooth pick. The driver's permit was issued to Jose Raul Ricardo Hernandez, a recent immigrant from Mexico, age 22.

Turns out he lives in a ghetto southeast of Freehold, and likes to go cruising in the nicer neighborhoods because he "dreams of working his way up." I told him there aren't a lot of high paying jobs for his kind in this town, and to stay out of True Christian neighborhoods.

A search of his car turned up no drugs or other weapons, although I'm sure he has them at home. I fined him heavily for his concealed pocket knife and for driving without a license. Let's see if he can work his way up far enough to pay a $375 ticket.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Policing Freehold

Turns out he lives in a ghetto southeast of Freehold, and likes to go cruising in the nicer neighborhoods because he "dreams of working his way up."

That's just so typical of those uppity El Salivadoreans, demanding affirmative action and other special privileges. I trust you'll keep a close eye on him.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Perhaps what the messican meant was moving up to mow a better class of lawn. That seems plausible.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Policing Freehold

Excellent work, Officer Richards! It gives me relief to know a stalwart man of the law like you is patrolling our streets!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

I really think that I ought to apply to the Freehold Police Force. The only problem I can foresee is that, at present, I'm not allowed to drive a patrol car, or any car, due to a mild case of schizophrenia. But it's really unfair - as long as I take my medication, I'm fine. Anyway, it's only a problem in Texas, where they have my medical records at the Happydale Home for the Severely Disturbed. And all my arrests for throwing stink bombs at abortion clinics were only misdemeanor charges. The one felony charge for assault on an abortion clinic patient got dismissed due to my "medical condition."

In Freehold, Iowa, I'm sure the authorities would have no problem certifying me to handle a car, a taser and a gun. And all my True Christian friends here at LBC would no doubt vouch for my fine moral character.

Yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Policing Freehold

In Freehold, Iowa, I'm sure the authorities would have no problem certifying me to handle a car, a taser and a gun. And all my True Christian friends here at LBC would no doubt vouch for my fine moral character.

Brother, the Freehold Police Department follows the same personnel rules laid down by President Bush for our Godly military: As long as you're heterosexual, all else is negotiable.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2009

Pulled over a red Mazda for excessive speed. (Four miles an hour over.)

Inside were four young college girls who were listening to satanic pop music and wearing jewelry and tight pants. The windows were tinted so I used extreme caution.

After checking the license and registration of the young woman in the driver's seat, I asked her and her friends to step out of the car, place their hands on the hood and spread their legs. People driving cars with tinted windows often have paraphernalia on them, and weapons. Sure enough, in one of their purses was a nail file and pair of nail clippers. There was also a tampon, which I confiscated.

One of the girls was exceptionally well-endowed and required additional patting down because there was a lot of places she could've had a handgun or knife hidden. I had to smell her to make sure she hadn't been smoking marijuana. There was nothing in her soft blond hair either. I'm not entirely convinced they were innocent, but I wrote them a big fat ticket and let them go.