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  • #1

    Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

    First, Happy and not-because-of-me belated Birthday Wishes to you, my Faithful Servant in Me. We both know that you are the pivotal key in my plans to demolish this world to make a better one. See you soon. In fact, I can see you all the time as I am the ultimate clairvoyant and boy oh boy I REALLY like what I see.

    Second. Me H. Me!


    It was Zeke's birthday yesterday and it was I who gave you the free will to congratulate him and shower him with presents. He's a busy man and an important man and you totally neglected him! By Me! I really expected more of you. Goddamn the free will but it is here to stay so deal with it! I saw more people on earth engaged in rectal romps yesterday than those celebrating Zeke's Big Day or praising Me! I expect to see some heavy repentance soon.

    Keep up the good work, Zeke! Yours in Me!
    Blessed is Me.
    Tags: happy birthday, pastor ezekiel
  • #2
    Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

    It may not be my place to bring this up, so I apologize in advance, but is there anyone in the Flint household besides your eternally 14-year old rent house boy you give heed to, Pastor? It's just, it's a sorry thought to think that's all you have to keep you company in a big, lonely gated-community palace, not that I eschew a man's need for solitude.

    Again my sincere apologies for pointing that out. Blessed birthday, Pastor Ezekiel! Thoughts and prayers your plane will arrive any day now.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

      First of all - it is not my fault that Daisy Mae forgot your birthday, Pastor Zeke! I would have never forgotten your birthday, if it were my duty to remember it. I just would like you to know that.

      Anyhow. Beloved Pastor Zeke!!!



      God created fossils to test our faith.

      * * *

      My favorite LBC sermons:
      True Christians are Perfect!
      True Christian™ Love.
      Salvation™ made Easy!
      You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
      Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
      Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
       Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
      Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
      The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
      Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
      God HATES Rational Thinking!
      True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

        Dear Pastor Ezekiel Sir, Happy Birthday to you. May Jesus continue to anoint you every day in every way.

        Would you care for some frankincense? Gold is beyond my (current) means, but every month I scrape together my tithes because I know that Jesus will reward me with abundance at some future point pre-determined by Him.


        With God's grace, I may be able to send along a love offering of myrrh. Happy Birthday again, Pastor Ezekiel Sir.
        His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

        Guns For God and the Economy

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

          Zeke, I am so sorry, I ahve no excuse, just an explanation for my failing to show you the reverence you so richly deserve. I spent a large part of the day being interrogated by US Customs as they felt items I was shipping to brother Bathfire were improperly packaged. They were just filled Mason Jars(c)!. Anyway, one leaked a little and created a commotion. I know my troubles are nothing compared to yours, managing everyone's True Salvation(tm).

          I recently sent a check for 1/2 of the proceeds of my wife's (you might remember her, scrawny with a high pitched grating voice) life insurance settlement. Have you gotten a new Escalade this month? If not, I'd be happy to arrange for one, right off the truck at the I-80 Fuel'N Go in DesMoines.
          Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
          Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
          Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
          Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
          Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
          Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

            Happy birthday Pastor Ezekiel! I apologize for the delay in saying happy birthday. I just joined these forums but should have known your birthday given how well known you are through the country! If there is anything I can do please let me know. I have my birthday still laying around on my bureau if you want it. Put it towards the plane fund if you wish. I hope one day to meet you in person so I can bask in the godliness pastor that even Jesus himself sings praise about!

            Yours in Christ,

            Maxine Levantine (17 years old)
            My name is Maxine Levantine. I am 17 and follow the KJV Bible to a T. If you are wanting to hit on me you can turn away. THIS is reserved for Jesus and my future husband (whoever that may be).

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

              A belated happy birthday, Pastor Zeke.

              You've no doubt noticed I have not yet sent you a present.


              I've found that, sometimes, silence can be a gift.


              Especially when a man knows things, and has seen things.


              You can count on me.
              WARNING:
              In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
              REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

                Happy Belated Birthday, Pastor! God Bless!
                In Jesus' Service,

                Scott Merriweather

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel

                  Happy blessed birthday, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, my mentor and friend.

                  It seems like yesterday when you welcomed me into your firm but loving embrace (not in a gay way). My gift to you this year is letting you keep/forgiving the things you’ve borrowed over the years; hedge trimmer, lawnmower, 1973 restored Dodge Charger, my first wife.

                  You mean so much to me that my gravestone will read:

                  Here Lies John Creeser
                  Proudly walked side by side with Pastor Ezekiel Flint
                  Spreading the word of True Christianity(tm)
                  -Every young man's battle - PORN AND MASTURBATION![/SIZE]
                  -DISOWN your ATHEIST children - just like this good mother did!!

                  -FINALLY!! Some rights for the rapists!!
                  -There is no such thing as animal abuse!!
                  -Pregnancy through RAPE is a GIFT from God
                  -Keep the Fags out of the Boy Scouts!!
                  -WIVES!! Stay in your abusive relationship!

                  STOP, DROP & ROLL DOESN'T WORK IN HELL!!!!

                  Comment

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