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Brethren and Sistren:
I had a horrible thought today. When Perry and Bachmann win the race in 2012, we will be well on our way to reenacting Biblical Law across this great land. However, I think we almost overlooked a very important logistical issue: Will we be ready when stoning becomes legal again? My analysis of this important issue follows and it contains a dire warning. We have much to do to prepare! I encourage all to read this with much haste.
Why Does God Choose Stoning?
Before getting to the meat of the issue at hand, it is important to understand why God chooses stoning as His favorite method of capital punishment. Stoning, or "lapidation," is a form of capital punishment whereby a group throws stones at a person until the person dies. One advantage is that no individual among the group can be identified as the one who kills the subject. This prevents bragging or betting or other forms of score-keeping. (This is in contrast to the case of a judicial executioner.) Also, stoning is slower than other forms of execution, and hence is a form of execution by torture. This means that God wants these sinners to die a slow painful death before they burn in Hell for all eternity. Clearly, God is very upset at those who break His laws and wants to really lay into them!
Stoning Will Be Legally Required For Many Offenses
As you all know, the Bible instructs us on the many crimes against God that are punishable by stoning. I did a quick read-through of my KJV Bible last night and counted 345 instances of the words "stone" "stones" "stoning" etc. Now, while many of those have to do with precious stones that are collected after the great kings of God have slaughtered foreign villages or the Great Stone being rolled away from Jesus's Tomb on that glorious day of days; many of the 345 references concern stoning. I have selected a short list of examples to demonstrate the types of crimes that will be punishable by stoning once we control both houses of Congress and Brother Perry and Sister Bachmann are in the Oval Office:
Phew! And that's just a small sampling and JUST where stones are explicitly stated. There are MANY more laws that just say that the sinner shall be "put to death." Since God prefers stoning as His favorite form of capital punishment, it is safe to assume that we should use stoning in ALL cases where God tells us to kill people.
So what does this mean? Well, while your first question very well may be "How many people will qualify for stoning?" I suggest that the easier question to ask is "Who WON'T be stoned?" While we know that True Christians™ are all safe, there may be a few people out there who skirt all the stoning laws and get by. But the long and short of it is that millions of Americans should be stoned to death even if you just count the jews, muslims, catholics, and atheists. Once we get through those, we will have some clean up work to do, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. It will keep us busy for years or until the rapture comes. Heck, we may even trigger the Rapture with our Holy Justice brought on by a righteous Christian government!
What Is The Proper Stoning Procedure?
We will follow the protocols that have been in place for millennia. While the details vary, the broad strokes are clear. You gather the appropriate people (usually men only) and they all have multiple stones. They all throw their stones as hard as they can at the sinner until she is dead. Sometimes they bury the sinner up to her torso or head so that they just toss at her head. While this makes it harder to hit the sinner, it is more than compensated by the fact that the sinner can not raise her arms to defend herself.
Just to be clear, here are a few educational videos. It is sad that they are from Islamic countries, but I have to give it to the camel jockeys...they follow their satanic verses to the letter.
Standard Angry Crowd Version
Buried To The Chest Variant
Do We Have Enough Stones?
This may be THE great concern of our times. If you review the list above, and you recognize that it is a small sampling of all the types of sinners that need to be stoned (e.g. Homosexuals didn't make the list since they are to be "put to death" but God did not specifically use the word"stoning" for all crimes. He knew we would figure that out!) To answer this question, we must first ask ourselves, "How many stones will we need?" This is not a simple question to answer. We need at least two important pieces of information:
1) How many stones you need to kill one sinner of average size and durability.
2) How many sinners our community will we be responsible for stoning.
As I pointed out above, the answer to question two will be too hard to count, but we know it will be in the millions. (The population of Iowa alone is 3,000,000, 95% of which are sinners!) So we will only focus on question one.
How Many Stones Do You Need To Kill One Sinner Of Average Size And Durability?
This is a complicated question. The simple answer is, "One, if you know how to use it or if it is big enough."
Seriously, though, let's figure this out. First we must ask ourselves, "What IS the average size and durability of the sinful?" This is tough, but we have a few data points to help us figure it out. First, women are much more likely to be sinners than men. This is for several reasons.
First, they are weaker than men. Their minds are not suited for the type of legal analysis required to keep track of all of God's laws at once. Second, there are many women-specific laws in the Bible. For example, women must leave the house for seven days while she is (excuse me, fellas) menstruating. (Leviticus 15:19-30). They must keep silent in church (1 Corinthians 14:33-35). They must dress modestly. (1 Timothy 2:9). The list goes on and on.
Compare to men. There are very few male-centric rules. And even the ones that do exist rarely command the death penalty. For example, no one who has lost their manly orbs by cutting or crushing may come to church. (Deuteronomy 23:1). That said, God may have evened the odds by killing men for spilling their seed. (Genesis 38:9). However, I propose that we shift the average weight, height, and intelligence of the average sinner lower due to the higher likelihood that women will be sinners.
So we have a slightly less durable sinner than the average population. OK. Next we must ask, for a sinner of such mass and size, what will it take to stone them to death? Again, we find many variables. How big are the stones? How hard are they? Perhaps the stones form the Biblical era are softer since they were all found in the sand-heavy desert whereas good old American stones are heartier? I brought with up with Pastor Zeke and, without batting an eye, he pointed out a Biblical issue that trumps all of these questions and it has nothing to do with the qualities of the stones. "How accurate are your stoners?" he asked me. "Check Judges 20:16" he said with a smile as he toweled off in preparation for his next next one on one Bible study lesson. I checked, and, as usual, the Pastor was right:
Wow! The answer is right there. Accuracy with stones is of ultimate importance! (As a side note, this finally explains why God gave us left-handers! Why do you think they are so good at pitching? Also, we need to check with the Godly Tim Tebow, the quarterback who wears Biblical scripture on his face for every game. If we can recruit him to come on down to Landover in the off season, he would make the stonings go so much faster!)
So, we either recruit a bunch of left-handers or we need to start stoning training immediately. Assuming some averages, we can assume an average stoner will need 40-60 good throws to kill a person depending on some game-time variables like weather conditions and time of day, etc.
I don't know if you have tried it, but stoning someone to death is tiring. You can't use pebbles. You have to use at least baseball sized stones. The average starting MLB pitcher RARELY goes over 125 pitches in a game and then they don't pitch again for 3-4 days. So estimating 50 good throws to know the person is good and dead and not just in a coma (and this is just back-of-the-envelope calculations at this point) a professional stoner would be able to handle about 1-2 people a day max if they are to look out for their fitness. If we back that out to a crowd, we need about 10 people throwing 5 stones each or 25 people each throwing two. Any more than 25 people and I think it will turn into a mob scene.
So, if we have a good turn out and 25 people each throwing two stone per sinner, and using the professional pitch pitch counts, we can deduce that they would have a throughput of about 60 sinners per day. But they would need to rest their arms for 3 days after that so that brings them down to an average of 15 per day over 4 days.
This gives us our answer: We will need 15*50 (750) stones per day for each 25-man stoning team. I am not sure what the Bible says about reuse of stones, but let's assume it is a sin for now and check back on that one. As such, we need to check on our quarry output capabilities. Obviously tossing this many stones every single day means they need to be in top physical shape. Which brings me to my next point:
Are You In Stone Throwing Shape?
If we are going to hit these types of numbers once the tea party brings us back to our True Christian™ heritage, we all need to be in top physical shape. To confirm this, we need to test everyone for accuracy and power. I suggest we conduct a Stoning Team tryout session where we test people over a week and pick the best 25 in our congregation. We can even have a backup or alternate squad in case of injury or absence.
While we are working out the details, everyone should get out there and do stone throwing exercises. Use the Landover Memorial Gym to the best of your abilities. Focus on core strength and arm strength, but don't ignore flexibility. We also need accuracy training so I recommend a stoning range be built on the open field between the two gun ranges. We could set up animatronic stoning dummies that would writhe; yell in pain; and beg for mercy to maximize realistic conditions. Scores could be posted and we could even keep track of a leader board, maybe even post it here?
The John 8:7 "Issue"
To preempt any Unsaved Trash coming in here and quoting John-freaking-8:7 at us, I thought I would address it right here and now. John 8:7 says:
Unsaved Trash usually use this to say we shouldn't rebuke sinners. What they don't know is that we have already proven that it does not apply to True Christians™ time and time again. Here is a Godly analysis by Brother Jedediah:
So let's skip the hysterics, shall we?
Conclusion
As you have seen, when Perry, Bachmann and the Tea Party bring us back to our Christian roots, we need to be prepared to enact God's law. We will need to 1) confirm our stone supply and quarry output; 2) get in stoning shape; 3) open a stoning range in between our two gun ranges; and 4) contact Tim Teebow. Other issues I haven't even begun to analyze include:
1) When should stoning events take place? Maybe consolidate to a night when there is nothing on TV and sell broadcast rights?
2) Could we get corporate sponsorship? (e.g. Rolling Rock Beer Rockem Sockem Stoning Night; or Nike: Just Stone It?) I could use some ideas here.
3) Do we need one or more stoning stadiums?
4) Should we stone families separately or as groups? If separately should we stone the children first or last?
5) What oh what to do with the corpses?
Any other issues I have missed? How shall we handle all of these logistical issues? Please chime in, True Christians™. If we are going to lead the way in showing the WORLD what True Christianity™ is all about, and show them what people like Sister Bachmann and Brother Perry really mean when they emphasize that they want to make this a truly Christian nation, we need to get on this ASAP!
I had a horrible thought today. When Perry and Bachmann win the race in 2012, we will be well on our way to reenacting Biblical Law across this great land. However, I think we almost overlooked a very important logistical issue: Will we be ready when stoning becomes legal again? My analysis of this important issue follows and it contains a dire warning. We have much to do to prepare! I encourage all to read this with much haste.
Why Does God Choose Stoning?
Before getting to the meat of the issue at hand, it is important to understand why God chooses stoning as His favorite method of capital punishment. Stoning, or "lapidation," is a form of capital punishment whereby a group throws stones at a person until the person dies. One advantage is that no individual among the group can be identified as the one who kills the subject. This prevents bragging or betting or other forms of score-keeping. (This is in contrast to the case of a judicial executioner.) Also, stoning is slower than other forms of execution, and hence is a form of execution by torture. This means that God wants these sinners to die a slow painful death before they burn in Hell for all eternity. Clearly, God is very upset at those who break His laws and wants to really lay into them!
Stoning Will Be Legally Required For Many Offenses
As you all know, the Bible instructs us on the many crimes against God that are punishable by stoning. I did a quick read-through of my KJV Bible last night and counted 345 instances of the words "stone" "stones" "stoning" etc. Now, while many of those have to do with precious stones that are collected after the great kings of God have slaughtered foreign villages or the Great Stone being rolled away from Jesus's Tomb on that glorious day of days; many of the 345 references concern stoning. I have selected a short list of examples to demonstrate the types of crimes that will be punishable by stoning once we control both houses of Congress and Brother Perry and Sister Bachmann are in the Oval Office:
Stone Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:28
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.
Stone Owners Of Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:29
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.
Stone Animals Who Push People
Exodus 21:32
If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.
Stone Those Who Sacrifice Their Children To Molech
Leviticus 20:2
Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.
Note: We have to look to the jewish community for breakers of this rule since they sacrifice kids to Molech to get blood for their zionist rituals.
Stone Wizards And Witches
Leviticus 20:27
A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
Stone Those Who Curse God
Leviticus 24:14
Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.
Leviticus 24:23
And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses.
Stone Those Who Blaspheme Against God
Leviticus 24:16
And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.
Stone Those Who Break The Sabbath
Number 15:32-36
32And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.
...
36And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.
Stone False Prophets
Deuteronomy 13
1If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,
2And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;
3Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
5And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.
Stone Any Of Your Family Who Encourages You To Follow False Prophets
6If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
...
9But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
10And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.
Stone Anyone Serving Or Worshiping Other Gods
Deuteronomy 17
2If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,
3And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;
...
5Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.
Stone Your Stubborn Sons
Deuteronomy 21
18If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
19Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
20And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
21And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Stone Your Wife If She Was Not A Virgin When She Wed You
Deuteronomy 22
13If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,
14And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid:
...
20But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Stone Women Who Are Engaged And Either Have An Affair In A City Or Are Raped In A City But Whose Cries For Help Are Not Heard
Deuteronomy 22 (King James Version)
23If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
24Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
Stone Diplomats You Don't Like
2 Chronicles 10
18Then king Rehoboam sent Hadoram that was over the tribute; and the children of Israel stoned him with stones, that he died. But king Rehoboam made speed to get him up to his chariot, to flee to Jerusalem.
Stone "Evil People"
Ezekiel 23:47
47And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire.
Exodus 21:28
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.
Stone Owners Of Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:29
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.
Stone Animals Who Push People
Exodus 21:32
If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.
Stone Those Who Sacrifice Their Children To Molech
Leviticus 20:2
Again, thou shalt say to the children of Israel, Whosoever he be of the children of Israel, or of the strangers that sojourn in Israel, that giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones.
Note: We have to look to the jewish community for breakers of this rule since they sacrifice kids to Molech to get blood for their zionist rituals.
Stone Wizards And Witches
Leviticus 20:27
A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.
Stone Those Who Curse God
Leviticus 24:14
Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him.
Leviticus 24:23
And Moses spake to the children of Israel, that they should bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones. And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses.
Stone Those Who Blaspheme Against God
Leviticus 24:16
And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death.
Stone Those Who Break The Sabbath
Number 15:32-36
32And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.
...
36And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.
Stone False Prophets
Deuteronomy 13
1If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,
2And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;
3Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.
5And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn you away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.
Stone Any Of Your Family Who Encourages You To Follow False Prophets
6If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
...
9But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
10And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage.
Stone Anyone Serving Or Worshiping Other Gods
Deuteronomy 17
2If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant,
3And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded;
...
5Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.
Stone Your Stubborn Sons
Deuteronomy 21
18If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:
19Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;
20And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.
21And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.
Stone Your Wife If She Was Not A Virgin When She Wed You
Deuteronomy 22
13If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her,
14And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid:
...
20But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
21Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.
Stone Women Who Are Engaged And Either Have An Affair In A City Or Are Raped In A City But Whose Cries For Help Are Not Heard
Deuteronomy 22 (King James Version)
23If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;
24Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour's wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
Stone Diplomats You Don't Like
2 Chronicles 10
18Then king Rehoboam sent Hadoram that was over the tribute; and the children of Israel stoned him with stones, that he died. But king Rehoboam made speed to get him up to his chariot, to flee to Jerusalem.
Stone "Evil People"
Ezekiel 23:47
47And the company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire.
So what does this mean? Well, while your first question very well may be "How many people will qualify for stoning?" I suggest that the easier question to ask is "Who WON'T be stoned?" While we know that True Christians™ are all safe, there may be a few people out there who skirt all the stoning laws and get by. But the long and short of it is that millions of Americans should be stoned to death even if you just count the jews, muslims, catholics, and atheists. Once we get through those, we will have some clean up work to do, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. It will keep us busy for years or until the rapture comes. Heck, we may even trigger the Rapture with our Holy Justice brought on by a righteous Christian government!
What Is The Proper Stoning Procedure?
We will follow the protocols that have been in place for millennia. While the details vary, the broad strokes are clear. You gather the appropriate people (usually men only) and they all have multiple stones. They all throw their stones as hard as they can at the sinner until she is dead. Sometimes they bury the sinner up to her torso or head so that they just toss at her head. While this makes it harder to hit the sinner, it is more than compensated by the fact that the sinner can not raise her arms to defend herself.
Just to be clear, here are a few educational videos. It is sad that they are from Islamic countries, but I have to give it to the camel jockeys...they follow their satanic verses to the letter.
Standard Angry Crowd Version
Buried To The Chest Variant
Do We Have Enough Stones?
This may be THE great concern of our times. If you review the list above, and you recognize that it is a small sampling of all the types of sinners that need to be stoned (e.g. Homosexuals didn't make the list since they are to be "put to death" but God did not specifically use the word"stoning" for all crimes. He knew we would figure that out!) To answer this question, we must first ask ourselves, "How many stones will we need?" This is not a simple question to answer. We need at least two important pieces of information:
1) How many stones you need to kill one sinner of average size and durability.
2) How many sinners our community will we be responsible for stoning.
As I pointed out above, the answer to question two will be too hard to count, but we know it will be in the millions. (The population of Iowa alone is 3,000,000, 95% of which are sinners!) So we will only focus on question one.
How Many Stones Do You Need To Kill One Sinner Of Average Size And Durability?
This is a complicated question. The simple answer is, "One, if you know how to use it or if it is big enough."
Seriously, though, let's figure this out. First we must ask ourselves, "What IS the average size and durability of the sinful?" This is tough, but we have a few data points to help us figure it out. First, women are much more likely to be sinners than men. This is for several reasons. First, they are weaker than men. Their minds are not suited for the type of legal analysis required to keep track of all of God's laws at once. Second, there are many women-specific laws in the Bible. For example, women must leave the house for seven days while she is (excuse me, fellas) menstruating. (Leviticus 15:19-30). They must keep silent in church (1 Corinthians 14:33-35). They must dress modestly. (1 Timothy 2:9). The list goes on and on.
Compare to men. There are very few male-centric rules. And even the ones that do exist rarely command the death penalty. For example, no one who has lost their manly orbs by cutting or crushing may come to church. (Deuteronomy 23:1). That said, God may have evened the odds by killing men for spilling their seed. (Genesis 38:9). However, I propose that we shift the average weight, height, and intelligence of the average sinner lower due to the higher likelihood that women will be sinners.
So we have a slightly less durable sinner than the average population. OK. Next we must ask, for a sinner of such mass and size, what will it take to stone them to death? Again, we find many variables. How big are the stones? How hard are they? Perhaps the stones form the Biblical era are softer since they were all found in the sand-heavy desert whereas good old American stones are heartier? I brought with up with Pastor Zeke and, without batting an eye, he pointed out a Biblical issue that trumps all of these questions and it has nothing to do with the qualities of the stones. "How accurate are your stoners?" he asked me. "Check Judges 20:16" he said with a smile as he toweled off in preparation for his next next one on one Bible study lesson. I checked, and, as usual, the Pastor was right:
Judges 20:16
Among all this people there were seven hundred chosen men lefthanded; every one could sling stones at an hair breadth, and not miss.
Among all this people there were seven hundred chosen men lefthanded; every one could sling stones at an hair breadth, and not miss.
So, we either recruit a bunch of left-handers or we need to start stoning training immediately. Assuming some averages, we can assume an average stoner will need 40-60 good throws to kill a person depending on some game-time variables like weather conditions and time of day, etc.
I don't know if you have tried it, but stoning someone to death is tiring. You can't use pebbles. You have to use at least baseball sized stones. The average starting MLB pitcher RARELY goes over 125 pitches in a game and then they don't pitch again for 3-4 days. So estimating 50 good throws to know the person is good and dead and not just in a coma (and this is just back-of-the-envelope calculations at this point) a professional stoner would be able to handle about 1-2 people a day max if they are to look out for their fitness. If we back that out to a crowd, we need about 10 people throwing 5 stones each or 25 people each throwing two. Any more than 25 people and I think it will turn into a mob scene.
So, if we have a good turn out and 25 people each throwing two stone per sinner, and using the professional pitch pitch counts, we can deduce that they would have a throughput of about 60 sinners per day. But they would need to rest their arms for 3 days after that so that brings them down to an average of 15 per day over 4 days.
This gives us our answer: We will need 15*50 (750) stones per day for each 25-man stoning team. I am not sure what the Bible says about reuse of stones, but let's assume it is a sin for now and check back on that one. As such, we need to check on our quarry output capabilities. Obviously tossing this many stones every single day means they need to be in top physical shape. Which brings me to my next point:
Are You In Stone Throwing Shape?
If we are going to hit these types of numbers once the tea party brings us back to our True Christian™ heritage, we all need to be in top physical shape. To confirm this, we need to test everyone for accuracy and power. I suggest we conduct a Stoning Team tryout session where we test people over a week and pick the best 25 in our congregation. We can even have a backup or alternate squad in case of injury or absence.
While we are working out the details, everyone should get out there and do stone throwing exercises. Use the Landover Memorial Gym to the best of your abilities. Focus on core strength and arm strength, but don't ignore flexibility. We also need accuracy training so I recommend a stoning range be built on the open field between the two gun ranges. We could set up animatronic stoning dummies that would writhe; yell in pain; and beg for mercy to maximize realistic conditions. Scores could be posted and we could even keep track of a leader board, maybe even post it here?
The John 8:7 "Issue"
To preempt any Unsaved Trash coming in here and quoting John-freaking-8:7 at us, I thought I would address it right here and now. John 8:7 says:
John 8
7So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her
7So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her
False Christians regularly and predictably come here and quote John 8:7 to us, thinking that they are making some sort of profound point. Again, let's examine this verse in context.
John 8:7-11
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
In this verse, Jesus is speaking to unsaved trash who have not accepted Him as their LORD and Savior. At that time, He had not yet died (temporarily) on the Cross, so it was not possible for any to be washed in His Blood at that period in history.
The unsaved trash to whom Jesus spoke were born in sin just as we all are (e.g., Romans 3:23). The difference between the Pharisees and True Christians™, though, is that True Christians™ have been washed in the Blood of Jesus while the Pharisees had not. You can study all the Scripture you want, but unless one has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal LORD and Savior and has been baptized in His Name, there is no way one can have his or her sins washed away. It is only through the Blood of Christ that we are made perfect.
Further, Jesus here illustrates His Grace. Instead of condemning the harlot, he exhorts her to live as a True Christian™ and commit no more sin.
John 8:7-11
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.
And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
In this verse, Jesus is speaking to unsaved trash who have not accepted Him as their LORD and Savior. At that time, He had not yet died (temporarily) on the Cross, so it was not possible for any to be washed in His Blood at that period in history.
The unsaved trash to whom Jesus spoke were born in sin just as we all are (e.g., Romans 3:23). The difference between the Pharisees and True Christians™, though, is that True Christians™ have been washed in the Blood of Jesus while the Pharisees had not. You can study all the Scripture you want, but unless one has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal LORD and Savior and has been baptized in His Name, there is no way one can have his or her sins washed away. It is only through the Blood of Christ that we are made perfect.
Further, Jesus here illustrates His Grace. Instead of condemning the harlot, he exhorts her to live as a True Christian™ and commit no more sin.
Conclusion
As you have seen, when Perry, Bachmann and the Tea Party bring us back to our Christian roots, we need to be prepared to enact God's law. We will need to 1) confirm our stone supply and quarry output; 2) get in stoning shape; 3) open a stoning range in between our two gun ranges; and 4) contact Tim Teebow. Other issues I haven't even begun to analyze include:
1) When should stoning events take place? Maybe consolidate to a night when there is nothing on TV and sell broadcast rights?
2) Could we get corporate sponsorship? (e.g. Rolling Rock Beer Rockem Sockem Stoning Night; or Nike: Just Stone It?) I could use some ideas here.
3) Do we need one or more stoning stadiums?
4) Should we stone families separately or as groups? If separately should we stone the children first or last?
5) What oh what to do with the corpses?
Any other issues I have missed? How shall we handle all of these logistical issues? Please chime in, True Christians™. If we are going to lead the way in showing the WORLD what True Christianity™ is all about, and show them what people like Sister Bachmann and Brother Perry really mean when they emphasize that they want to make this a truly Christian nation, we need to get on this ASAP!
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