Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accounts

[Basilissa]

The End Times must be upon us, because Jesus is testing our faith as never before. Our Great Spiritual Leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint (), has been recently smeared in the National Enquirer, and now there are some rumors within our Godly community, alleging that Pastor Ezekiel has been involved in the Panama Papers scandal (these false allegations are being fueled by an emotional plea made recently by Pastor Ezekiel).

Therefore, I feel it is my obligation to publish on this forum a recent press release that has been submitted to local, regional, national, and international press:

***Breaking News: Landover Baptist Church Press Release***

Landover Baptist Church strongly denies baseless and totally false accusations thrown against the Church leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, which have surfaced recently in relation to the Panama Papers leak of off-shore bank accounts data.

First, the allegations that Pastor Ezekiel Flint possesses such off-shore accounts are completely false, because all evidence that could have been used to support such false claims has been burned in an accidental fire which has consumed all church accounting data.

Second, even if Pastor Ezekiel Flint currently has (or has had at some point in time) such accounts, he definitely does not have much or even any money on these accounts.

Third, assuming that someone were to demonstrate Pastor Ezekiel Flint's ownership of substantial amounts of money in such (completely hypothetical and definitely non-existent) off-shore bank accounts, Pastor Ezekiel Flint and other church leaders strongly deny the accusations that Pastor has been stuffing church money into his own private off-shore bank accounts over the past decade, as his father Pastor Lamentations Flint had also been unjustly accused of doing before him.

Landover Baptist Church stands united behind its leader, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, and our congregation asks all True Christians™ to pray for Pastor Ezekiel Flint in these difficult times. An additional donation box has been installed next to the east entrance to the church. Pastor Ezekiel Flint wishes to remind the Landover Baptist Church congregation that they should tithe often and charitably to plant the seed of their own financial abundance.

One thing that we can be absolutely sure based on all of the available information, is that Pastor Ezekiel Flint is an upstanding True Christian™, beloved by God, as shown by all of the unjust persecution he is currently suffering.

Matthew 5:10-12
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.


Praise , pray for Pastor Ezekiel(), and please do not forget about that donations collection box mentioned in the press release!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

The accusation that Pastor Zeke would hide money in Panama sounds like yellow journalism to me. We all know how much he dislikes Mexicans.

It does not bother me one iota if the Pastor needs to hide some of his wealth from the Feds. But, he is definitely a secret Swiss bank account kind of guy.

Honestly, I hate to think of what Pastor Zeke would say if a Mexican bank offered him a free toaster to open an account?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

Envy.

One of the sins as bad as any other sin (James 2:10) expect unforgivable ones (Matthew 12:31). It must be (i) financial envy of the Good Fortune that Pastor Ezekiel has and (ii) Spiritual envy of false Christians (as Pastor Ezekiel has converted quite a few false Christians into True Christians™) that has caused this travesty of journalism.

Let us be reminded of the Words of Jesus transmitted by the namesake of our beloved Pastor Ezekiel, by the prophet of only slightly lesser status than our Beloved Pastor Ezekiel,the OT Prophet Ezekiel.

Ezekiel 35:11
Therefore, as I live, saith the Lord GOD, I will even do according to thine anger, and according to thine envy which thou hast used out of thy hatred against them; and I will make myself known among them, when I have judged thee.

God will not leave the envious slanderers unpunished. What's he gonna do?

Isaiah 26:11
LORD, when thy hand is lifted up, they will not see: but they shall see, and be ashamed for their envy at the people; yea, the fire of thine enemies shall devour them.



They'll be devoured by Fire.




Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[Des]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

Since I keep all of my money tied up in shell companies in Mauritius, which as some of you may know is where my lucrative Young Ladies Rehabilitation Facilities are located, I didn't see what a big deal this was until Brother Fred explained it to me.


The depths these Godmockers will stoop to, using their computer clacking skills to insert the names of honest, hard working men into the list of authentic and usually Joo scoundrels is appalling.

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

I think the point here is that Pastor Zeke has nothing. It is Landover Baptist Church that has a modest amount of financial reserves sufficient to ensure the Glorification of God and the spreading of His Word for the foreseeable future.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

Those liebrals! They never fear spreading muck around and splattering our good pastor with their lies!

[WWJDnow]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

It simply NEVER stops! False Christians are constantly attacking Pastor Zeke. I wish I had a dime for every time some Hellbound liberal Christian asked why Pastor Ezekiel needs his Rolls Royces or Ferraris or a new private jet even two years or the diamond-laden Rolex or vacation parsonages in Central America and the South Pacific and Thailand and Australia and South Africa and Turkey and the French Riviera.

One outsider had the gall to ask me why Pastor Ezekiel needs a Ferrari and gold jewelry when Jesus did fine without them! Don't these people understand that, as a youth pastor, Pastor Zeke is competing with rap artists for the souls of his flock? I'm sure that, had rap been big back in the Roman Empire, Jesus would have had a Ferrari and some bling, too.

At least this time they aren't making nasty insinuations about Pastor Zeke's all-boy teen pool parties. For Heaven's sake, can you imagine the sinfest that would happen if the good pastor invited girls to those events, too?

I don't know how Pastor Ezekiel can stand all of this criticism; his is not an easy life. But he bears it with great humility. We could all learn a lot from his example!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

It simply NEVER stops! False Christians are constantly attacking Pastor Zeke.

At least this time they aren't making nasty insinuations about Pastor Zeke's all-boy teen pool parties. For Heaven's sake, can you imagine the sinfest that would happen if the good pastor invited girls to those events, too?

I don't know how Pastor Ezekiel can stand all of this criticism; his is not an easy life. But he bears it with great humility. We could all learn a lot from his example!

So accurate, Brother WWJD. We are always pushing away the paparazzi that sneak into Freehold trying to scandalize our dear Pastor.

We need to band together to protect him. Maybe his travel entourage should be increased.

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

I just discovered this thread as I was searching for some financial information that one of my lawyer friends is looking into in conjunction with the disappearance of Mistress Cookie.


I am not sure why you have all denied the existence of off-shore accounts for your pastor. As long as proper taxes are paid on those accounts, you can have an account anywhere you choose. The puzzling thing is that my buddy at the IRS can't seem to find any record of payments from several members of Landover Baptist Church, a fact we uncovered today when I was having bagels with him in my luxuriously appointed midtown office.


I could post those glaring oversights here, but I'd rather watch you scramble to deny their authenticity. I took the liberty of making encrypted copies of them and stored them in a secret location for your safety.


Corruption from True Christians? Uh huh. Looks like it.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

You should be aware of the fact that many of the top leadership have retired from worldly matters, leaving our accounts in the hands of Jew accountants, who differ somewhat from Jew lawyers, especially those from godless New York City. I can assure you that those of us in the position you question have paid every cent owed to the Federal Government in God forsaken Washington, D.C., which is nothing; not one red cent. However, I can also assure you that while there has been no payment, our tax forms, which are many and complicated, have been duly filed. If you wish to dredge up such matters at some inconvenient time, I can assure you that we also have Jew lawyers and in numbers that would blot out the sun.

Good day to you, sir.

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

As soon as the judge grants me access, I will post the names and partial account numbers on this forum. I suppose you overestimated the power of your "joo" counsel.


Disgusting bigoted backward fools. I completed licensure in Iowa.


My law office in Cumming, Iowa is almost ready to open. I discovered Cumming while my parents and I were going through Iowa on the way to California. Cumming has held a special place in my life since then and now I'm almost in the middle of Cumming; I found a home on the edge of Cumming and I am sure I'll spend many happy years there. I am maintaining an office and apartment in NYC, of course, since this is where the money is. I am also licensed in California but I do not (yet) have a home there. Perhaps someday.


A delightful organization, the Jewish Federation of Greater Des Moines, has welcomed me with open arms and already provided me with contacts for several lucrative cases in your area.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

I haven't got time to read this thread in full, but does this mean my husband can no longer tithe offshore in Swiss dollars? Because that's going to be kind of inconvenient. I mean, I'm sure we can fix something up if necessary, but he doesn't want to be moving funds into the US before Inauguration Day.

YiC
Joanna

[Brother Gonzalez]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

As soon as the judge grants me access, I will post the names and partial account numbers on this forum. I suppose you overestimated the power of your "joo" counsel.

If my gardener, my driver and my hairdresser have many companies in Panama, that happen to have many accounts in Switzerland, this has nothing to do with me. I just gave my name in case they needed someone to help, but only as an employee.


Also, those Hotels in Cayman Islands do exists, claiming that they are fictions only for laundring money is preposterous and I will sue for libel and slander.

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

If my gardener, my driver and my hairdresser have many companies in Panama, that happen to have many accounts in Switzerland, this has nothing to do with me. I just gave my name in case they needed someone to help, but only as an employee.


Also, those Hotels in Cayman Islands do exists, claiming that they are fictions only for laundring money is preposterous and I will sue for libel and slander.

Your name does not appear in any of these records. Of course, I could dig deeper.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Landover Baptist Church Press Release: Pastor Ezekiel definitely does not have any offshore bank accou

Your name does not appear in any of these records. Of course, I could dig deeper.

This is the kind of persecution of Good Christian People that could get Your kind of people in a lot of hot water. Did I say hot water, I meant showers in Poland.