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Cake Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 03:38 AM

First, Happy and not-because-of-me belated Birthday Wishes to you, my Faithful Servant in Me. We both know that you are the pivotal key in my plans to demolish this world to make a better one. See you soon. In fact, I can see you all the time as I am the ultimate clairvoyant and boy oh boy I REALLY like what I see.

Second. Me H. Me!


It was Zeke's birthday yesterday and it was I who gave you the free will to congratulate him and shower him with presents. He's a busy man and an important man and you totally neglected him! By Me! I really expected more of you. Goddamn the free will but it is here to stay so deal with it! I saw more people on earth engaged in rectal romps yesterday than those celebrating Zeke's Big Day or praising Me! I expect to see some heavy repentance soon.

Keep up the good work, Zeke! Yours in Me!


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 03:51 AM

THANK YOU JESUS! PRAISE JESUS!

And thanks to my 14-yo Filipino houseboy guard for servicing me in the most exquisite manner with all the delicacies to celebrate my b-day yesterday! As for you, My lot:

Where. Is. My. New. Jet?
Jesus Christ! I am orchestrating the greatest summit of all time: The Donald-Vladimir meetings. I'm trying to strike a deal to end all deals! And where's the support?! Jesus! I. Did. Not. See. Any. Jet. Plane. On. My. Lawn. Yesterday! I had to take Air Foece One to the Putin summit and you know very well that the two parents of our nation - me and Donald - should not share a plane. What if Jesus had called that plane to Heaven? Where would you be then? I had to sleep on the jet's couch as I could not share Donald's bed because of Melanie. Where are my bithday tithes or even a tiny card of roses?!

This'll take more than a couple weekends of triple tithes to be compensated. And the Flint Mansion septic tank has to shine and have a new gold leaf inner lining when I return. Triple layered.

Did I make a mistake to trust you?! Praise Jesus etc.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 10:50 AM

It may not be my place to bring this up, so I apologize in advance, but is there anyone in the Flint household besides your eternally 14-year old rent house boy you give heed to, Pastor? It's just, it's a sorry thought to think that's all you have to keep you company in a big, lonely gated-community palace, not that I eschew a man's need for solitude.

Again my sincere apologies for pointing that out. Blessed birthday, Pastor Ezekiel! Thoughts and prayers your plane will arrive any day now.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 02:35 PM

First of all - it is not my fault that Daisy Mae forgot your birthday, Pastor Zeke! I would have never forgotten your birthday, if it were my duty to remember it. I just would like you to know that.

Anyhow. Beloved Pastor Zeke!!!



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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 04:53 PM

Dear Pastor Ezekiel Sir, Happy Birthday to you. May Jesus continue to anoint you every day in every way.

Would you care for some frankincense? Gold is beyond my (current) means, but every month I scrape together my tithes because I know that Jesus will reward me with abundance at some future point pre-determined by Him.


With God's grace, I may be able to send along a love offering of myrrh. Happy Birthday again, Pastor Ezekiel Sir.


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Cake Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 05:12 PM

Zeke, I am so sorry, I ahve no excuse, just an explanation for my failing to show you the reverence you so richly deserve. I spent a large part of the day being interrogated by US Customs as they felt items I was shipping to brother Bathfire were improperly packaged. They were just filled Mason Jars©!. Anyway, one leaked a little and created a commotion. I know my troubles are nothing compared to yours, managing everyone's True Salvation™.

I recently sent a check for 1/2 of the proceeds of my wife's (you might remember her, scrawny with a high pitched grating voice) life insurance settlement. Have you gotten a new Escalade this month? If not, I'd be happy to arrange for one, right off the truck at the I-80 Fuel'N Go in DesMoines.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-16-2018, 10:15 PM

Happy birthday Pastor Ezekiel! I apologize for the delay in saying happy birthday. I just joined these forums but should have known your birthday given how well known you are through the country! If there is anything I can do please let me know. I have my birthday still laying around on my bureau if you want it. Put it towards the plane fund if you wish. I hope one day to meet you in person so I can bask in the godliness pastor that even Jesus himself sings praise about!

Yours in Christ,

Maxine Levantine (17 years old)
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-17-2018, 07:07 AM

A belated happy birthday, Pastor Zeke.

You've no doubt noticed I have not yet sent you a present.


I've found that, sometimes, silence can be a gift.


Especially when a man knows things, and has seen things.


You can count on me.


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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-17-2018, 12:14 PM

Happy Belated Birthday, Pastor! God Bless!


In Jesus' Service,

Scott Merriweather
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Pastor Ezekiel - 07-17-2018, 03:09 PM

Happy blessed birthday, Pastor Ezekiel Flint, my mentor and friend.

It seems like yesterday when you welcomed me into your firm but loving embrace (not in a gay way). My gift to you this year is letting you keep/forgiving the things you’ve borrowed over the years; hedge trimmer, lawnmower, 1973 restored Dodge Charger, my first wife.

You mean so much to me that my gravestone will read:

Here Lies John Creeser
Proudly walked side by side with Pastor Ezekiel Flint
Spreading the word of True Christianity™
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