Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

[Basilissa]

Oh, I retired for a bit, but I'm back now.

The next adventure is called "The Corpse-choked Gladiator pits of the Democrat Primary Netherworld!" Who's playing?

I'm in! The idea of venturing into that world of the undead is scary, but it's just a game, right?
Class: Upper

[Social Construct]

Re: Let's play Sleasepits And Sinners, the Christian alternative to Dungeons and Dragons

Who's playing?

I'm in, like a woman named Flynn.

Class: Freshman.

Equipment: invisible napsack (unpacked)

Statistics: I would be committing sexual harassment if I told you, and you wouldn't believe me anyway.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Let's play Sleasepits And Sinners, the Christian alternative to Dungeons and Dragons

I'll start the adventure with you two, the others can join the game in progress.

Your mission is simple: You are a group of Democrat primary candidates, their bodyguards, and other members of their entourages. For successes I will award points which in game are called "superdelegates". You will attend a fundraiser, do a photo op, make a media appearance, and finally face off against all comers in the dreaded all-candidates Debate Of Death.

Your goal is to defeat all of the other candidates, after which player candidates will fight a battle royale to get the coronation of the Democrat Party.

First scene: you are at your secret headquarters. It's time to plan and equip yourself for the upcoming mission. What do you do?

[Basilissa]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

Do we both get to play the candidates? OK, I assume Social Construct will want to take "I'm so left that to the left of me there's only the wall" position, so I'll take the center. My preparations include checking my old Twitter and Facebook posts to see if I hadn't said something offensive to some special snowflake in the past. There are so many unique special snowflakes on the left that everything offends them, even the fact that I breathe and fart, so I give up.

But, I equip myself with a healthy dose of spin and impossible campaign promises. They never fail!

[Trent Harvey, Jr.]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

I'll be a bodyguard with Pinkwater Security Contracting.

Equipment: A plus one Boot Of Throwing, with squished camel spiders on the bottom for a disgust check of 1d6.

[gamer4Christ]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

Race: The guy from "I wanna be the Guy"

Equipment: one of the L-blocks from Tetris.

I see Joe Biden on the news. I grab my trusty Tetris-block and head out the door, my work cut out for me.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

You boldly walk out the door: two candidates, their bodyguard, and the nerd.

While Trent is scanning and calling out locations of spike traps, a guy from a food vending cart steals the camelspiders from his boot and adds them to the sweet and sour "pork". He rolls a 2, failing the constitution check. He vomits, splattering onto the fried food cart. Did I mention it's the part of the primaries where all candidates have to have a photo-op eating fried food?

Basillia is so careful not to say anything offensive about this, suffering a "Silence" effect for three turns.

Social Construct begins protesting Gamer's Tetris block, which allegedly looks like a gun. "Berzerk" effect gained.

[Basilissa]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

Basillia is so careful not to say anything offensive about this, suffering a "Silence" effect for three turns.

I'm OK with that. My plan to win this election is to keep my mouth shut. The less I speak, the more appealing candidate I become.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

By staying still, all player characters have avoided spike damage (turns out we bought all those pins and needles for nothing ).

The opposing candidates make their move, gaining 2 superdelegates by eating the fried food, vomiting, and then returning to their vomit like dogs (Proverbs 26:11) gaining them 2 more superdelegates.

All player characters still have 0 superdelegates. Aggressive action will be required to regain competitiveness.

Next scene: Hollywood fundraiser

All the big celebrities are here: to approach one, just say their name.

Elizabeth Warren has stumbled onto the set of a Quentin Tarantino western, where she is captured by Comanches and scalped, losing 5 hit points. Now looking less like Hilary Clinton, she gains +2 charisma.

Joe Biden, believing he's in a silent movie, decides not to bother talking. Silence effect gained.

Pete Boot-Edge-Edge is out past his bedtime. Is jailed in juvenile detention for 3 turns.

What do you do?

[Basilissa]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

As I'm still in silent mode, I quietly approach Oprah from behind and rub her shoulders in hopes that will make her give me money.

[Social Construct]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

I don't actually need money because of my trust-fund.

If that's not enough, I'll just get my money from the place where I get the money for my free-harvard-for-all-undocumented-immigrants plan and my therapy pets for tramatised therapy pets plan.

Anyway, I'm guessing that you'll spawn orcs on me or something if I protest anything, so I'll keep it positive and instead try to intrest Hollywood producers in my Movie scripts. I've got an all-female version of the Shawshank Redemption, an all-female Saving Private Ryan, and an all-Jewish version of Deliverance.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

Folks, you have to act fast or the campaign moves on without you. American campaigns are short, it's only 342 days until Election Day!!!

Well, I guess Trent is completely starstruck, or maybe he's arguing with someone about how war movies get it all wrong. Gamer still has the "Confused" effect, so it's understandable that he's not doing anything useful.

Elizabeth Warren, feeling like a geek among the Hollywood glitteratti, tries to comb her hair, forgetting that she was just scalped. She loses 2 hit points. Nevertheless, she persists. She loses another 2 hit points, and produces the Bloody Comb Of Persistence, which allows a re-roll on all checks.

Now at zero hit points, she loses consciousness. A dangerous situation for a lady to be in at a Hollywood party...

As Oprah's shoulders are rubbed, a wardrobe malfunction ensues and an orgy breaks out. Uh, you'll have to imagine the details yourself (though for the sake of your immortal soul you shouldn't), but anyway all conscious characters lose 3 hit points due to things getting kinky, and will now lose 1 hit point per turn due to STDs.

Hint hint, looks like the party should have hired a healer, hint hint.

Elizabeth Warren, who has been impregnated by Woody Allen, will give birth to a new prestige-class baby, the super-nerd. It will be counted as a sorcerer's familiar for game purposes.

Social Construct, who has been energetically playing "duelin' banjos" in the air, avoids the orgy, gains 4 superdelegates, and is given a "most self-righteous Oscar speech" Oscar trophy by a confused Joe Biden. The trophy can be displayed to gain an instant +5 charisma.

The party is now breaking up. You can stick around a bit, or go and prepare for the upcoming photo op. What will you do?

[gamer4Christ]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

I was with the Fast and Furious guys, pitching my idea for a racing video game with accelerated time, so you can zoom around in double-speed.

Oh, but they don't care about games, so instead I suggest a double-speed Fast and Furious spinoff, "The Chipmunks: Tokyo Drift".

Oh, I heal myself and cure the STDs with my Tetris-block. You did know that's what they do, right? I'm sure I told you.

Joe Biden is about to fall asleep now, right? I'm going to make my move. The Ghostbusters girls are here, I charmed them by saying their movie wasn't so bad, in fact it gave me a mild chuckle once or twice. They can help me catch Joe's ghost if he dies of old age before I can return him to the retirement home.

[Basilissa]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

I have a horrible headache after the party (and also some other aches which do not need to be specified), but I'm ready for the photo-op! I love photo-ops! I can just stand there and smile and look gorgeous, and nobody asks gotcha questions!


Question: after the photo-op, do we get to eat the children we're posing with?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Let's Play: "The Corpse-Choked Gladiator Pits of the Democrat Primary!"

Oh, I heal myself and cure the STDs with my Tetris-block. You did know that's what they do, right?

Of course I know how to play Tetris. I may be a Christian, but that doesn't automatically mean I know nothing about pop culture.

Joe Biden is about to fall asleep now, right? I'm going to make my move.

Since you still have the confusion effect, you accidentally abduct the frozen corpse of Walt Disney, who had been dragged out during one of the kinkier parts of the orgy.

You have an opportunity to steal one of his frozen Oscar trophies/statuettes, as long as you can avoid body cavity searches. You will suffer -1 hit point (cold) and -1 hit point (piercing damage to critical hit area) and the statuette will be smelly, giving you only +2 charisma when presented.

You lose 1 superdelgate, giving you a total score of -1 superdelegate, until the scandal is forgotten.

Someone says something mean on twitter, and your your scandal is forgotten. Score: 0 superdelegates.

Trent is M.I.A. My guess is that he discovered that the party snacks are free, and he ate so much he incapacitated himself. Anyone wanting a rescue mission side-quest should check the washrooms and follow barfing noises.