[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2009

On Friday afternoon I responded to a minor traffic accident at 14th and Hester. I immediately recognized the Mercedes as Rev. Osborne's, but I had no idea whose Dodge Neon he had rear-ended at the stoplight.

I approached the Neon first. Some punk kid was driving it, and I knew right off the bat he was guilty of something, I just didn't know what yet.

He alleged that he was "just sitting there waiting for the light to change, and the 'old man' just ran into him." Somehow, his story just didn't add up. I decided based on instinct to conduct a field sobriety test. I retrieved the breathalyzer (never leave home without one) and had him blow. As it turned out, he blew a .02, and his explanation was that he was going to a party later that evening and was just working up a little buzz.

The legal limit is .08, but it's safe to say that I saved some lives by placing him under arrest before he went on to that party later in the evening and got plowed.

I interviewed Rev. Jim, who was simply listening to Landover radio and texting Pastor Ezekiel a new sermon idea on his mobile phone while driving. The Lord's work is never done and there was no way I could see any fault in his Christian actions whatsoever. If anything, Rev. Jim should be deputized for helping us catch a dangerous drunk driver before he was even drunk!

I assured the good Reverend that everything would be taken care of, and his car will be fixed. I love America.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Lola, if you haven't already, you can call the immigration office and let them know you managed to catch some illegals. You might just get your picture in the paper!

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Policing Freehold

Lola, if you haven't already, you can call the immigration office and let them know you managed to catch some illegals. You might just get your picture in the paper!

Can do, consider it done,first thing in the morning its a little chilly out now and I don't want to catch a cold. Them dogs will be fine before I left I made a nice straw bed for them.I wonder if them wet back homers are going to pee in the tree ? Oh well its not my problem now is it !

[Repentant Catholic]

Re: Policing Freehold

Freehold sounds like a pretty nice town to live in. I'll have to take a look at moving there. I need to find me a wife and I would hope I can find a saved woman to cook and clean house for me while she isn't busy pushing out more of my soldiers for Christ.

I'm assuming you have some criteria that has to be met to prove that you are saved before you're allowed to live here?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

Freehold sounds like a pretty nice town to live in. I'll have to take a look at moving there. I need to find me a wife and I would hope I can find a saved woman to cook and clean house for me while she isn't busy pushing out more of my soldiers for Christ.

I'm assuming you have some criteria that has to be met to prove that you are saved before you're allowed to live here?

Sorry, but we have a strict (Biblical) policy here: Unsaved NOT Welcome.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Sorry, but we have a strict (Biblical) policy here: Unsaved NOT Welcome.

Well, I hope that your gated communities got 10,000 volts flowing through the razor wire. If those unsaved Catholics (especially Hispanos) try to sneak in, they're gonna wind up looking like a burrito left in the deep fryer overnight.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Policing Freehold

Thanks again, Officer Don, for your hard work cracking down on crime in Freehold. Believe me, right after the accident, I had a crazy idea that it might've been my fault. The kid in the Neon told me he saw me coming from behind and smash into him. I countered that if he saw me, he had the obligation to quickly change into the lane next to us.

Once Officer Don arrived on scene, I knew the situation would be well taken care of. Although I don't deserve the praise for helping nab this drunken driver; it really was an accident. Even though my Mercedes' fender and hood is wrecked to shreds, not to mention damage to the radiator and air conditioning, my insurance company will cover it. Fortunately my rates will not go up as I have the police report to show the accident was not my fault at all.

The one funny thing to come out of this is my text to Pastor Zeke. I was midway through my text when I suddenly impacted the rear of his car and my thumb slipped and pressed Send. The text was: "Hey Zeke. I got an idea 4 the sermon next week. Rom 13 tells us tha". I imagine Pastor Zeke was a bit confused by this text!

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2009

It's my job to protect America and uphold justice. It's a tremendous responsibility that I take very seriously.

While I love America I'm not going to say that there aren't things wrong with it, things brought on by liberalism. For instance, I wish that our justice system was more like God's justice system.

Today I pulled over a car for excessive speed. The colored girl behind the wheel was quite anxious and upset, and when I checked her license, it was suspended.

Further checks revealed that she was the daughter of a local menace to Freehold, an unwed mother and notorious welfare queen who we at the FPD have gotten to know all too well.

I placed her under arrest and of course she started crying and throwing a fit and I had to threaten her with pepper spray.

When I finally had her corralled in the back of the cruiser and was on my way to the city lockup, I was thinking about what I had read the previous night in Deuteronomy 23, about God's instructions to not allow bastard children into the congregation of the Lord until their tenth generation.

I realized that, if America hadn't spit in the face of God, we could be modeled our justice system on God's and all of this trouble would have simply been avoided. As soon as this little negro girl was born, she could have been put on a watch list and disallowed from going to school, getting a driver's license, having a car, having a job, and owning or renting property.

If only America would punish children for what their ancestors did like God does, we could truly have prosperity.

Even as God doomed all of mankind to sorrow and pain for a transgression committed by Adam and Eve, so could America doom the entire family line of this unwed black harlot, her daughter, and all of the children that will be born into their cursed clan.

Instead, we are only allowed to arrest the perpetrator, while relatives and offspring go unpunished! And even then, they are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law! Why can't they go to God's court, where you're guilty until proven innocent by Jesus' blood?

Please pray that God will appoint a President like George W. Bush in 2012 who can actively work to get the Bible on the books.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Ofc. Don, I heard about the arrest. Were you able to get the smell out of the car yet? I really think you should be able to put those people in the trunk on in some sort of trailer mounted cage instead of in the same air space as you.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Ofc. Don, I heard about the arrest. Were you able to get the smell out of the car yet? I really think you should be able to put those people in the trunk on in some sort of trailer mounted cage instead of in the same air space as you.

Good point, Brother James. Having a Negroid in the car could infect the whole vehicle with AIDS. Back in the old days, we had just laws that forced Negroes to use separate rest rooms, but the loony liberal Supreme Court said that was unconstitutional. So now we have to share bathrooms, and you can see the result - the AIDS epidemic has spread to white people. Outrageous! That's why I always wear a condom, even as I type this.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2009

I had barely been on patrol fifteen minutes this morning before I pulled over a station wagon for excessive speed and reckless driving. According to dispatch, the car was registered to a young man, Jason Goodrich, age 26.

There was a passenger in the car with him, and she was squirming around and they both looked pretty nervous. I figured they were hiding their drugs and weapons.

I decided to use my loud speaker to communicate with them from my cruiser.

"Attention driver: remove the keys from your ignition and place them on the roof of the car." I ordered.

The driver complied. I was pleased with our progress so far.

"Attention driver: with your right hand, open your car door and exit the vehicle with your back to me." The driver hesitated a bit so I screamed "DO IT NOW!" and it worked.

"Attention driver: Lie down on your face and put your hands behind your back where I can see them, but don't touch your bottom with them." (I would never forgive myself if I inadvertently created a sodomite by allowing him to touch himself back there.)

He seemed confused, but he went ahead and did as he was told.

At this point the passenger was obviously panicked, so I decided to deal with her from a distance as well.

"Attention passenger: With your left hand, open your car door and exit the vehicle with your back to me. Do not assume you are getting away with disrespecting an Officer of the Law by showing your back to him, this is just procedure." (You wouldn't believe how smug these people can get.)

As the woman exited the car, it was obvious that she was very, very pregnant. This situation just got complicated.

She looked like she was about to pop, and her pants were soaking wet. She must have peed herself from all the excitement. There was an expression of distress and pain on her face, and I assumed she was trying to get sympathy.

"Get down on your stomach!" I ordered.

At this point she protested, saying she was in labor and she couldn't get down. Yeah right. Procedure is procedure.

"Get on your stomach or I'll taze you!"

She complied, but it was pretty funny actually because she couldn't totally get on her stomach she had to prop herself up with her elbows. It wasn't exactly to procedure but it'd have to do for now.

At this point I drew my tazer and approached the driver.

"You were going pretty fast back there, don't you think?"

"My wife is having a baby and we're going to the ER!"

A likely story. I asked him how long she'd been pregnant. He said nine months.

"So she's your wife, huh? She better be, if she's pregnant. How do I know you two are really married? How do I know you're not just saying you're married to avoid an infraction for your violation of 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4?"

I whipped out my pocket Bible and read aloud:

3For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;

It was pretty clear he was losing patience. He started yelling at me. "What does this have to do with anything?! MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY AND YOU'VE GOT US ON OUR STOMACHS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!"

I responded calmly: "Because what you do in your bedroom, when you do it and how you do it is the concern of every Bible believing fundamentalist Christian in this nation and I am here to protect and serve them! NOW SHUT UP."

He wouldn't stop, so I had to taze him. He just kept yelling and hollering and she was crying and screaming about having contracts or something.

At this point I did something I hardly ever do. I called for backup.

Help arrived very quickly. My brothers in arms know that when I call for help, I mean it.

I decided the most logical course of action would be to have my responding officer escort the "husband" back to their house to verify they did indeed have a marriage license, and that they have been married for more than nine months so that we'd know they hadn't fornicated to produce a bastard child. (Those fines can be pretty hefty, and new parents often find they cannot afford to pay them and must then serve time in jail.)

Officer Stevens took the male back to his house, and I stayed with the female.

She sounded like some kind of depraved animal, she kept going "unnngh, oooh unghhh" and then, get this, she started to take off her pants!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I screamed!

"I'mmmm having uhhh baaaaabbbbbyyyyy" she wailed.

"Well you just hold it in until you aren't in a public place!" I ordered.

In direct rebellion to my command, she just kept going. I decided if she was going to do this, right here in the middle of the street for crying out loud, I'd have to do my duty to keep order and prevent people from seeing her debauchery.

I started digging through her station wagon and found there was a blanket in the backseat, which they used for Lord only knows. I put on my gloves, removed it and put it over her entire body so that no naughty parts would be visible.

Then I lit up some orange hazard flares and established a perimeter around her.

There was a lot of screaming coming from underneath that blanket, and every once in a while I'd just lift a corner of it to yell in, "everything going okay?" and she wouldn't even say anything, she just kept blubbering and screaming.

A crowd was gathering so I decided to make an example of her and preach a little sermon right there. "This is how God punishes fornicators!" I said.

Well apparently some sissy had called an ambulance, because just as I had everything under control, here come those pansy EMT pretty boys.

They said I was "way out of line" and that they were going to see that I was "punished." I just laughed. I could whip any of those EMT kids any day of the week.

"You're not touching that harlot until I figure out if she's married or not." I commanded.

I had to summon up some of my old football moves, but I managed to keep them at bay for about five minutes before I got the call over the radio that the Goodrich marriage license checks out and that Officer Stevens had done the math (twice) and figured that they had been married for 14 months.

"Okay, NOW you can have her." I said. "Be careful moving her to the ambulance, she took her pants off" I warned. They were totally ungrateful for my help.

I know this is a long post, but this whole thing really disgusted me. Nobody cares about public decency or morality anymore. There's no respect for authority, mine OR God's. To think what kind of life that poor kid is going to have with those two dolts as parents makes me sad for the world.

In the end, the husband said he was going to file a lawsuit against me and the FPD for the "trauma" that I allegedly caused him and his wife, and because he wanted to be present at the birth of his son but missed it "because of me." Yeah, it's always MY fault.

It ain't easy being a cop, folks.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

"Okay, NOW you can have her." I said. "Be careful moving her to the ambulance, she took her pants off" I warned. They were totally ungrateful for my help.

That's the problem with these liberals, so ungrateful. When we liberated Iraq, all they could do was whine about torture and waterboarding and killing innocent civilians - they never stop to think how many souls we Christians save. Meanwhile, they carry on with their homo fornicating. Rush Limbaugh said that 40% of liberals are queer, but I think it's more like 100%. I just wonder how they manage to reproduce - I guess that the homos grow babies in test tubes. I know The Lord is pissed about homo marriage and abortion - no wonder he allowed ACORN to blow up the World Trade Center (which incidentally, was owned by a Joo).

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Policing Freehold

You expect a driver to have his papers with him, but for something as important as a marriage certificate this oaf thinks he can leave it lying in some drawer.

This says so much about today's "me - me - me" society and the lack of family values.

That birth thing - 6 Billion of us on the planet and there's one man making a fuss about another baby. He wants to get a sense of proportion.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Are those people idiots? Ofc. Don, blaming you for the trauma? Are they so stupid that they forgot their little emission nine months earlier? Did they fail to enlist the services of a fine Landoverian True Christian™ midwife the day after they did the dirty deed to ensure proper True Christian™ prenatal care? A proper midwife would of had all the required paperwork and notifications done so there would be no misunderstanding. Nor would there of been a pointless ride to a hospital. My goodness, no one was sick, just a female having a baby. Happens every day. Had they yet purchased 'Babies First KJV1611 Bible"? Do they not know that everything is Gods will and if He wanted the baby born in a '73 Country Squire wagon, who are they to interfere?

It is heathens like this that have no regard for secular or Gods law that just p*ss me off. Ofc. Don, I am amazed at your self restraint. Suffice it to say, there would of been a family of three people on that ground that day beaten and bruised had I been in your place.

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

"I'mmmm having uhhh baaaaabbbbbyyyyy" she wailed.

Officer Don, obviously this is one of those "hysterical Pregnancies."

So she was really looking to get a "free ride" from yourself - and the rest of us taxpayers - to go see her Mental Health Therapist.