[lrbailey]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I don't know if this one was already posted but:
Mother Teresa dies and goes to Heaven. She is greated by God and he asks if she is hungry. She says she is, so God goes in the kitchen. While he gone she looks down to see the residents of hell having a banquet (chicken, lobsters, etc.), with she thinks to herself that what God is going to bring back is going to be ten times better than what they were having.
He comes back out with tuna sandwiches. She is taken aback but thinks this is some sort of test and thanks him anyways. The entire is week is full of tuna sandwiches, so by Saturday she asks him why the people in hell had banquets while they had plain sandwiches.
He responds, "With there only being the two of us I thought this was just easier"

[Meek and Humble]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

You expect us to believe Mother Theresa went to heaven? Now THAT'S a joke

http://www.ianpaisley.org/article.asp?ArtKey=puppet

[cannibalcorpse]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Simple. Classic. Love it ^^

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A mountain climber is climbing up a sheer ice face on Everest. Halfway up, he slips and begins to fall. Unfortunately, his tether breaks due to the force and he slides down the face. He claws desperately at the ice and grabs hold of a rock, which stops him.

He finds himself dangling 1,000 feet above a chasm. His rope is broke and the only thing keeping him alive are his hands wrapped around the rock. He doesn't have the strength to pull up.

In desperation he cries out as loud as he can: "Please! If there is anyone out there! Help me, please!"

Just then a resounding voice echoes out of the heavens: "Just let go, my son. Let go of the rock, and I will have my angels fly down and rescue you."

The mountain climber is a bit puzzled. He mulls over his options and says after some length: "Is there anyone else out there?"

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Just then a resounding voice echoes out of the heavens: "Just let go, my son. Let go of the rock, and I will have my angels fly down and rescue you."

That must have been SATAN speaking. For it is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God (Matthew 4:7).

[Collective Judas]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Things You Never Hear In Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.

3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary; let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before.

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.

[Forest Spirit]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

This reminds me of you cranky old ladies:

BANNED FROM THE CO-OP


Yesterday I was at my local

CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet

and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked

if I had a dog.



What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm

retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that

no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet

again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I

ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2

stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming

out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that

the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina

nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel

hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well

and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here

that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with

my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in

intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her

no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum

and a car hit us both.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart

attack he was laughing so hard.



I'm now banned from the Co-op.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

cranky old ladies

Can you please leave my wife out of this? Thank you.

[Paul Jeffery]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.

[Jed_Cassidy]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What's the difference between an atheist and a dead carcass?






A carcass can feed a family of four.

[Jacob the Angry Liar]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What's the difference between an atheist and a dead carcass?






A carcass can feed a family of four.

That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith; I am the LORD. (Leviticus 22:8)

[Meek and Humble]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

That which dieth of itself, or is torn with beasts, he shall not eat to defile himself therewith; I am the LORD. (Leviticus 22:8)

That's the best joke of all - GOD'S last laugh against the sinner!

[James Dewitt]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.

The Devil says to him "Hey Vinny we've been waitin for ya!".

Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says "I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?" Vinny answers "Ya, I love to smoke." The Devil says "Good you'll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything."

"Now do you like to drink?" Then Vinny says "Of course I love to drink." The Devil replies "Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great."

"Do you like to have sex?" Vinny says "Hell ya sex is the best." The Devil smiles and replies "We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays."

And the Devil finally says "Now, are you gay?" Vinny frowns and answers "NO I'm not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes "Your gonna hate Thursdays."

[James Dewitt]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."