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The batteries in my flashlight died today, and I decided to simply drop by the local dollar store to pick up some new ones, and case the joint for suspicious folks and sinners.
I wandered around the store for several minutes but couldn't find the batteries, so I went up to one of the checkout lanes and barked into the intercom, "ATTENTION EVERYONE, AN OFFICER OF THE LAW NEEDS BATTERIES. PLEASE SHOW THE OFFICER OF THE LAW WHERE THE BATTERIES ARE LOCATED."
In no time at all a clerk appeared and escorted me to the battery selection.
No sooner had I found the batteries I needed that I heard a blood-curdling sound a few aisles over.
It was the sound of a crying child who was becoming rapidly upset.
Well that kind of thing just really irks me, so I investigated for the source of the problem.
I rounded the corner into the toy aisle, and sure enough, there was some dumpy looking mother telling her squawking brat that she couldn't have whatever perverted toy she was shrieking for.
But the root of the problem was not a dolly.
The problem here was that the child had never been taught the dangers of a soulcrime like coveting.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. - Exodus 20:17
I couldn't stand idly by and let this little hussy break God's laws.
I stood over the little girl and looked down at her.
"Okay ma'am, that's enough out of you. If you don't apologize to God for coveting and disobeying your parents, I am going to have to issue a citation to your mother for being such a lousy parent."
I wasn't getting through, she just stared at me and kept crying.
This was an excellent time for an object lesson.
I bent down on one knee and looked her right in the eye.
"Do you know what HELL is, little girl? DO YOU KNOW THAT THE LORD JESUS HAS SENT MILLIONS OF LITTLE TURDS LIKE YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR DISOBEYING THEIR PARENTS?"
She started to cry harder, in open defiance of my commands.
I drew my pepper spray and gave her a good shot in the face with it.
She began shrieking even louder and rolling around on the ground.
"DID THAT FEEL GOOD? CAN YOU IMAGINE FEELING A PAIN EVEN WORSE THAN THAT ALL OVER YOUR BODY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY? CAN YOU?"
At this point her mother had lost all sense of proportion and was trying to pull her child away from me, so I had to handcuff her to a display rack of dollies that wet their pants when you squeeze them.
I looked her mother right in the eye and reminded her that if she had followed God's instructions to beat children into submission with various types of sticks and blunt objects, none of this would be happening.
A crowd was starting to gather, including some other children of varying ages.
Rather than disperse them immediately, I took the opportunity to preach to them.
As I took out my pocket Bible, I noticed I was standing right next to a store intercom, so I picked up the mouthpiece and turned to the book of James:
"ATTENTION, SHOPPERS:
But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. - James 1:14-15"
This little girl's lust for a dress-up, singing Justin Bieber doll had wrought grief, pain and embarrassment for everybody involved.
When it was all said and done I decided to show some Christian compassion and let them both go with a written warning about coveting, obedience, and disturbing the peace.
Hopefully the children and their parents in that store learned something about the importance of obeying the laws of God today.
I wandered around the store for several minutes but couldn't find the batteries, so I went up to one of the checkout lanes and barked into the intercom, "ATTENTION EVERYONE, AN OFFICER OF THE LAW NEEDS BATTERIES. PLEASE SHOW THE OFFICER OF THE LAW WHERE THE BATTERIES ARE LOCATED."
In no time at all a clerk appeared and escorted me to the battery selection.
No sooner had I found the batteries I needed that I heard a blood-curdling sound a few aisles over.
It was the sound of a crying child who was becoming rapidly upset.
Well that kind of thing just really irks me, so I investigated for the source of the problem.
I rounded the corner into the toy aisle, and sure enough, there was some dumpy looking mother telling her squawking brat that she couldn't have whatever perverted toy she was shrieking for.
But the root of the problem was not a dolly.
The problem here was that the child had never been taught the dangers of a soulcrime like coveting.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. - Exodus 20:17
I couldn't stand idly by and let this little hussy break God's laws.
I stood over the little girl and looked down at her.
"Okay ma'am, that's enough out of you. If you don't apologize to God for coveting and disobeying your parents, I am going to have to issue a citation to your mother for being such a lousy parent."
I wasn't getting through, she just stared at me and kept crying.
This was an excellent time for an object lesson.
I bent down on one knee and looked her right in the eye.
"Do you know what HELL is, little girl? DO YOU KNOW THAT THE LORD JESUS HAS SENT MILLIONS OF LITTLE TURDS LIKE YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL FOR DISOBEYING THEIR PARENTS?"
She started to cry harder, in open defiance of my commands.
I drew my pepper spray and gave her a good shot in the face with it.
She began shrieking even louder and rolling around on the ground.
"DID THAT FEEL GOOD? CAN YOU IMAGINE FEELING A PAIN EVEN WORSE THAN THAT ALL OVER YOUR BODY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY? CAN YOU?"
At this point her mother had lost all sense of proportion and was trying to pull her child away from me, so I had to handcuff her to a display rack of dollies that wet their pants when you squeeze them.
I looked her mother right in the eye and reminded her that if she had followed God's instructions to beat children into submission with various types of sticks and blunt objects, none of this would be happening.
A crowd was starting to gather, including some other children of varying ages.
Rather than disperse them immediately, I took the opportunity to preach to them.
As I took out my pocket Bible, I noticed I was standing right next to a store intercom, so I picked up the mouthpiece and turned to the book of James:
"ATTENTION, SHOPPERS:
But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.
Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. - James 1:14-15"
This little girl's lust for a dress-up, singing Justin Bieber doll had wrought grief, pain and embarrassment for everybody involved.
When it was all said and done I decided to show some Christian compassion and let them both go with a written warning about coveting, obedience, and disturbing the peace.
Hopefully the children and their parents in that store learned something about the importance of obeying the laws of God today.
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