[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2009

Was on traffic duty this afternoon racking up a nice chunk of cash in traffic tickets. Traffic duty can sometimes be slow (a whole hour can go by without writing a single ticket!) and I need lots of coffee and donuts to keep me awake.

I had already downed five thermoses of coffee and I was needing a bathroom break so I pulled into a Casey's. I needed more donuts anyway.

Everything seemed in order inside the store, but when I entered the men's room I saw that they had installed a condom dispenser! My blood pressure must have shot up as high as it's ever gone with outrage, I could hear it pounding in my head!

My initial reaction was to go arrest the register clerk, but as an Officer of the Law, I am highly trained to control my emotions. I decided the most reasonable course of action would be to crawl up on top of the toilet tank in one of the stalls and peer over the edge of the stall until somebody came in to buy a condom, so I could catch them red handed.

I must have waited in there thirty minutes before somebody else came in. The suspect was an adolescent white male, probably about 17. I was immediately suspicious, because he had a lot of tell-tale signs of fagginess. He kind of slinked when he walked, had shaggy hair, pants a little too tight, and one of those sea-shell necklaces. Definitely a California queer, I thought.

He positioned himself at the urinal and proceed to relieve himself. I was not surprised to see that he not only LOOKED at himself "down there" as he was doing nature's business, but he was also HANDLING himself! My stomach turned!

After he finished playing with himself, he pulled the flush lever with only one finger. A REAL man uses his whole hand, but this femboy figured himself too good for that. Then, just as I thought he would, he spotted the condom dispenser, stopped, and reached into his pocket to withdraw 75 cents.

With silent, lightning fast reflexes I drew my taser and aimed it at his shoulder. As his hand went to insert the coins, I pulled the trigger and landed the barbs dead square in the middle of his arm. Little fag didn't even put up a fight, he just dropped like a deer. I lunged over the top of the stall and slammed my knee into his back and slapped the cuffs on him.

I immediately ordered him to present me with identification, but he resisted. I ordered him again and he still wouldn't do it. Turns out I was actually still applying current to his body so I switched the taser off (I thought he was just drooling because he was a lisping queer!)

I ordered him to do it a third time and he said his wallet was in his pocket. I told him there was no way I was dumb enough to fall for his ploys to get me to feel him up like that, so I told him to remove it and throw it on the floor with his free hand.

Surprisingly, he complied. Just then, the register clerk came running into the bathroom to see what all the shouting was about. The register clerk was a woman who was now standing in the men's room! I threw her out of the room and used an extra pair of cuffs to secure her to the coffee machine. I told her she could use her free hand to make me a few cups of coffee to go (free of charge) and I'd just charge her for obstruction of justice.

I went back in the bathroom, confiscated the wallet, and then knelt down next to the gay to ask him why he was buying the devil's gloves. He was starting to cry and blubber. I figured he needed a little motivation, so I rubbed his face all over the pee-stained tile at the base of the urinal.

Finally the whole ugly story about him and his gay escapades came out, and he was buying a rubber casket to spill his seed into, because he wanted to be 'safe.' I told him there's no such thing as safe gay sex. I tossed him into the back of my patrol car, went back to get my free coffee, unloaded a clip of .45 ammo into the condom machine, and hauled the pervert to the big house. We had a long talk about wasting seed on the way.

Now just stop and think about this: What if one of you True Christian men had wandered in there instead of me? You could've been raped for hours! I am trained to handle this situations so you don't have to!

I'm here to keep the streets and bathrooms of Freehold safe, so that you civilians can live in peace and security.

Over and out.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2009

Received an urgent dispatch to a potential suicide jumper out at Carmichael bridge. Turned lights and sirens on and was en route, with oncoming traffic moving to the side of the road to clear the way for me. I noticed a van pull to the side of the road without using his blinker.

I immediately skidded to a halt and turned around to detain the van. I exited my cruiser and asked the old man who was driving if he's generally in the habit of pulling to the side of the road without using a turn signal.

He gave me the usual line of excuses about just 'forgetting' to signal, and how he was on the way to the vet to have his little dog put to sleep because it had cancer and yada yada.

Well I told him he ought to be thankful I didn't gun his dog down right then and there, and chose to write him a big fat ticket instead.

After dealing with that cranky old man, I continued to the alleged suicide jumper, but she had already taken the plunge when I got there, so I just radioed for a meat wagon and went to Casey's for donuts. I love my job.

By refusing to use his turn signal, that old man delayed your arrival on the scene of a suicide. As a result, he probably killed that jumper. He'll have that on his conscience for the rest of his life.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2009

Received an urgent dispatch to a potential suicide jumper out at Carmichael bridge. Turned lights and sirens on and was en route, with oncoming traffic moving to the side of the road to clear the way for me. I noticed a van pull to the side of the road without using his blinker.

I immediately skidded to a halt and turned around to detain the van. I exited my cruiser and asked the old man who was driving if he's generally in the habit of pulling to the side of the road without using a turn signal.

He gave me the usual line of excuses about just 'forgetting' to signal, and how he was on the way to the vet to have his little dog put to sleep because it had cancer and yada yada.

Well I told him he ought to be thankful I didn't gun his dog down right then and there, and chose to write him a big fat ticket instead.

After dealing with that cranky old man, I continued to the alleged suicide jumper, but she had already taken the plunge when I got there, so I just radioed for a meat wagon and went to Casey's for donuts. I love my job.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Driving while black

Officer Don, did you run the plates to make sure that the car wasn't stolen? I wouldn't be surprised if the trunk wasn't filled with crack cocaine and weapons.

I honestly don't know why negroes are allowed to have driver's licenses. Isn't there a rule that illegal aliens (whether they're from Africa or Mexico) cannot have licenses?

Keep up the good work, Officer Don. We are all thrilled to read of your adventures fighting crime and keeping the streets of Freehold safe for decent white Christian folks.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Isabella Abbey]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer, did you make sure to count your Donuts after the encounter with her? And check to make Sure that the Sprinkles weren't all licked off, and that the centers had not all been eaten out of the Jelly Donuts?

Excuse me, but I only stole his donuts ONE TIME! And I already apologized and washed his car in contrition. And the eating the jelly center thing was even with a DIFFERENT COP! This is ----

oh, wait. You weren't talking about me. At all.

Carry on....

[SUV]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer, did you make sure to count your Donuts after the encounter with her? And check to make Sure that the Sprinkles weren't all licked off, and that the centers had not all been eaten out of the Jelly Donuts?

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2009

I pulled into Casey's for donuts and coffee early in the morning. I had a great selection picked out, two whole boxes of fresh made donuts, and a great big coffee.

I had carefully set the donuts in my passenger seat, and the coffee barely fit in my cup holder. As I was backing out, I was so focused on trying to keep the interior of my cruiser from getting coffee all over it so generously provided by the taxpayers, that I didn't notice the old negro lady who was putting gas into her car directly behind me. I didn't notice until after I backed into her tail light and knocked it clear out of it's socket.

Well, the Lord is good, because she was inside the store when this happened and I managed to get out of sight before she noticed anything. I pulled around the corner, and waited. She soon pulled out onto the street without even taking time to call somebody to come fix her tail light!

I pulled her over immediately, and asked her if she knew she had a tail light out. She said somebody must have crunched it while she was in paying for her gasoline. (I told her I was shocked that any of her kind actually PAID for fuel.) I asked her why she didn't call somebody to come get the light fixed right there instead of putting countless lives on the road at risk by having a tail light out. She gummed some nonsense at me about having to raise her grand daughter's children and she was late for her 6:00 AM shift at the grocery store, and yada yada.

Well I wrote her a big fat ticket for reckless parking at the gas station, inattentive driving, assault on a police officer (she sneezed at one point and some of it got on me), and a tail light violation. I guess she'll need TWO 6:00 AM jobs now, amen? Keep the negroes busy, and you keep the streets safe, that's what I always say.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, I just want to let you know that I saw that negro boy Latraine Brown up to no good again. You see I was waiting at a red light at the corner of Bethel Blvd. and 14th St, when I see that young negro buck waiting to cross the street along with Mrs. Kensington. Well, what got me suspicious is I swore that little vagrant was ogling Mrs. K! We all know Mrs. K has been getting on in her years, but for a 45 year old woman she looks good for her age. I swear he must've been staring her up and down for at least 3-4 seconds, because that's how many "mississippis" I counted before he looked away.

I was fearing a rape was going to break out. All the conditions were met: Young, horny negro buck...attractive white woman. Well after they crossed the street, they parted ways. She to her Chrysler Town & Country, and he to Noah's Arcade. I'm pretty sure he knew I was on to him, because even though I was inconspicuous, them negroes have that "jungle sense" so they know when people are following them. I feel that I should take full credit for preventing this rape.

Now, I know no crime technically took place, but I do think maybe a "friendly visit" is in order for young Latraine. You know what I mean?

Reverend Jim, it's a sad commentary on our society that liberal judges keep tying the hands of honest, hard-working police officers like our own Brother Don.

I'm sure you remember a few years ago when prosecutors in Los Angeles put on trial white Christian policemen just because they tried to talk some sense into that young black punk Rodney King. Then there is that negro who deservedly got sentenced to six months in jail for yawning, but was freed after just three weeks due to pressure from liberals. And there was all that liberal whining when the police tasered a deaf negro in a public bathroom because he didn't respond to their command to open the door. And things are only going to get worse now that we have a Mexican prostitute appointed as a Supreme Court judge.

So Officer Don, watch your back. Of course, the good white True Christians of Freehold stand 100% behind you, but you never know when some liberal fag agitator from ACORN might come out of the woodwork and start making a lot of noise if young Latrine shows up in an emergency room with a few bruises and taser marks.

Yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Policing Freehold

Rev. Jim:

You are to be commended for your attention to your surroundings and the sound judgment you exhibit. You can bet your bottom dollar this little negro will be getting a visit from ol' Officer Don. An off duty visit.

Eliot:

This kind of thing can't happen, not on my watch! If you have any details or tips, please contact me or the FPD immediately! In Freehold, the tags are marked to indicate that nobody has ever laid upon the mattress while Biblically unclean.

Ms. Abbey:

It is not the problem of the Freehold Police Department that you attract such boring and witless dates. 911 is an emergency hotline that should be used in situations of immediately peril, such as burglaries (8th commandment), murders (6th commandment) (NOT the same as Old Testament execution), people buying or selling on Sunday (4th commandment), and men with long hair. (1 Corinthians 11:14) Just some examples.

[Isabella Abbey]

Re: Policing Freehold

I have heard a disturbing rumor that a certain LBC member has been going around removing the tags from mattresses in the shops!

That's a federal offense, isn't it?

This makes me exceedingly nervous.

Are there any security cameras with ID footage??


Slightly off-topic, but I don't want to forget to ask: Monday night I had a date that was so boring that I could feel my will to live seep out of my pores and evaporate into the breeze. If this ever happens again, is this an appropriate occasion for a 9-1-1 call to help my escape the horror??

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Policing Freehold

I have heard a disturbing rumor that a certain LBC member has been going around removing the tags from mattresses in the shops!

That's a federal offense, isn't it?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, I just want to let you know that I saw that negro boy Latraine Brown up to no good again. You see I was waiting at a red light at the corner of Bethel Blvd. and 14th St, when I see that young negro buck waiting to cross the street along with Mrs. Kensington. Well, what got me suspicious is I swore that little vagrant was ogling Mrs. K! We all know Mrs. K has been getting on in her years, but for a 45 year old woman she looks good for her age. I swear he must've been staring her up and down for at least 3-4 seconds, because that's how many "mississippis" I counted before he looked away.

I was fearing a rape was going to break out. All the conditions were met: Young, horny negro buck...attractive white woman. Well after they crossed the street, they parted ways. She to her Chrysler Town & Country, and he to Noah's Arcade. I'm pretty sure he knew I was on to him, because even though I was inconspicuous, them negroes have that "jungle sense" so they know when people are following them. I feel that I should take full credit for preventing this rape.

Now, I know no crime technically took place, but I do think maybe a "friendly visit" is in order for young Latraine. You know what I mean?

I heard the little jig whistle once.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Policing Freehold

Officer Don, I just want to let you know that I saw that negro boy Latraine Brown up to no good again. You see I was waiting at a red light at the corner of Bethel Blvd. and 14th St, when I see that young negro buck waiting to cross the street along with Mrs. Kensington. Well, what got me suspicious is I swore that little vagrant was ogling Mrs. K! We all know Mrs. K has been getting on in her years, but for a 45 year old woman she looks good for her age. I swear he must've been staring her up and down for at least 3-4 seconds, because that's how many "mississippis" I counted before he looked away.

I was fearing a rape was going to break out. All the conditions were met: Young, horny negro buck...attractive white woman. Well after they crossed the street, they parted ways. She to her Chrysler Town & Country, and he to Noah's Arcade. I'm pretty sure he knew I was on to him, because even though I was inconspicuous, them negroes have that "jungle sense" so they know when people are following them. I feel that I should take full credit for preventing this rape.

Now, I know no crime technically took place, but I do think maybe a "friendly visit" is in order for young Latraine. You know what I mean?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Policing Freehold

I got a whole box full of stuff I've confiscated in the closet. I'll dig through it and see if I can find anything for you.

If anybody else wants anything, let me know.

I lost a couple of wallets stuffed with cash and credit cards. Let me know when those turn up.

[Nobar King]

Re: Policing Freehold

I could use a nice leather wallet and a watch (not a digital one, one with hands).