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  • Faith_Machine
    Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
    True Christian™
    • Mar 2011
    • 10049

    #16
    Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

    Ah, you mean how Stand Your Ground laws generally override any sort of federal thing about homicide?

    Glad to know this is all on the up-and-up!

    WARNING:
    In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
    REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

    Comment

    • Alvin Moss
      Serving Jesus
      True Christian™
      • Aug 2013
      • 4468

      #17
      Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

      Are weapons of mass destruction allowed?

      I believe I could win this contest if I could use the Sarin shells I have for the howitzer.
      God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

      Comment

      • AntiChristian666
        Confirmed Enemy of God
        • Oct 2014
        • 5

        #18
        Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

        This is utterly disgusting. What kind of inhuman sick bastard would make up something like this!?!? Killing humans and animals because you think there witches!? Christians disgust me!!

        Comment

        • Zechariah Smyth
          Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
          True Christian™
          • Feb 2011
          • 15251

          #19
          Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

          Originally posted by AntiChristian666 View Post
          This is utterly disgusting. What kind of inhuman sick bastard would make up something like this!?!? Killing humans and animals because you think there witches!? Christians disgust me!!
          Leave.

          Yours in Christ,

          Z. Smyth
          sigpic

          Comment

          • WWJDnow
            True Christian™
            True Christian™
            • Aug 2009
            • 6310

            #20
            Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

            For the warlocks, do we need to bring in the full genitalia, or can we just take their foreskins as proof, the way King David did?

            I hope the organizers will show Pastor Zeke a little more respect this year. He's a True Christian™ , so he would never bear false witness or break any other of God's commandments. Besides, as a Landover Baptisc Church pastor, he is one of Jesus' anointed representatives on Earth. And when has any of them ever lied?

            As nice as the prizes are, all you need to do to win is bag a single witch. The prize for that is knowing that you have made the greatest country on Earth that much safer for our families. By the way, please try to save several alive for interrogation. Waterboarding witches is an excellent way to keep track of Satan's plans. Not all of the Devil's work is as obvious as gay marriage, equal "rights" for women, radiometric "dating" of rocks, and welfare payments to unwed mothers.
            The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!

            Comment

            • Mister Jones
              Forum Member
              Forum Member
              • Oct 2014
              • 17

              #21
              Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

              Originally posted by Basilissa View Post
              Gee, I do hope that you are right, because otherwise you would be lying about her, and God does not approve of that (Proverbs 19:5).

              What interests me most, however, is the "ex-" part - is she a fornicator (Matthew 5:32)? If so, I really feel for you - you cannot marry another woman until your ex-wife dies (Luke 16:18).
              She was. Why so sorry?

              God Bless

              Comment

              • Basilissa
                South of the Border outreach program
                True Christian™
                 
                • Mar 2013
                • 12938

                #22
                Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                Originally posted by Mister Jones View Post
                She was. Why so sorry?

                God Bless
                The mystery deepens! First, you spoke of her in present tense, now in the past... So, is she alive or not?

                Please forgive me for all my questions, but there are several young True Christian(tm) ladies ready to be married (some are quite desperate, too), and I'm sure they all would like to know whether you are an available widower or an unavailable divorced man.

                God created fossils to test our faith.

                * * *

                My favorite LBC sermons:
                True Christians are Perfect!
                True Christian™ Love.
                Salvation™ made Easy!
                You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                God HATES Rational Thinking!
                True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

                Comment

                • Titus Templeton
                  Director of the German "Holy-caust" Evangelical Crusade
                  Jesus macht frei
                  True Christian™
                  • Aug 2010
                  • 5912

                  #23
                  Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                  Last year was a bit unlucky because always someone was a few steps faster then me. It's all about beeing at the right place at the right time and have the right instinct.
                  Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away. Quite impressing.

                  job 12:12

                  12 With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.
                  -The Parable of the white laundry and the black man
                  -Scientific proof that GAY SEX IS UNHYGIENIC!
                  -Holocaust Jokes
                  -Diarrhea: The Va​ginal Lubrication of the Homosexuals
                  -Anne Frank vs. Adolf Hitler: Who was the worse person?
                  -10 Reasons why GOD HATES FRANCE!
                  -5 Reasons why GOD HATES LEAGUE OF LEGENDS!
                  -Today I am declaring War against Woman's Rights!

                  Comment

                  • Alvin Moss
                    Serving Jesus
                    True Christian™
                    • Aug 2013
                    • 4468

                    #24
                    Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                    Originally posted by Titus Templeton View Post
                    Last year was a bit unlucky because always someone was a few steps faster then me. It's all about beeing at the right place at the right time and have the right instinct.
                    Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away. Quite impressing.

                    job 12:12

                    12 With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.
                    It is just like any other hunting. You must familiarize yourself with the habits of the witches in your area and know their haunts. Often, they can be lured to a certain area, in much the same way a deer are lured to a feeder.

                    They favor oak groves for their meetings, so if you cut down as many of the oak trees in your area as possible, leaving only those you have staked out, they are likely to present themselves for justice. Also, they are attracted to the sounds of large fierce animals and rock and roll music. The successful hunter will provide himself with ear plugs for use as they are required. They have been known to respond to billboards in plain English, advertising flowing black dresses in extra large sizes, though it is difficult to round up an entire coven using that method.

                    Those are just a few of my suggestions and procedures and that is my advice.

                    God Bless!
                    God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

                    Comment

                    • Mister Jones
                      Forum Member
                      Forum Member
                      • Oct 2014
                      • 17

                      #25
                      Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                      I can neither confirm nor deny, Basilissa. I can say I am available (and it is Biblical), but I am currently in the process of finding another witch wife. However, in protest of this reign of gynaecocracy, I am considering following the path of Solomon, for the ladies here who are not yet wedded to a patriarch. 1 Kings 11:3

                      Comment

                      • Cranky Old Man
                        Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
                        You kids get off his lawn!
                         
                        • Jan 2010
                        • 22357

                        #26
                        Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                        Originally posted by Titus Templeton View Post
                        Like Cranky Old Man seems to smell witches from miles away.
                        It's not that hard, they smell horrible. Whoever invented incense should be raped in his behind with Satan's tallywacker, while being forced to listen to Jimmy Carter speeches, for all eternity.
                        5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                        To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                        James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                        Comment

                        • John Creeser
                          Warning: In case of Rapture, this account will be unmanned.
                           
                          • Aug 2009
                          • 7248

                          #27
                          Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                          TODAY IS THE DAY!!!!!!

                          Bow? Check
                          Machete? Check
                          Camo gear? Check
                          Waterproof KJV? Check
                          Gortex tote bag (for heads)? Check

                          Am I missing anything.....should probably pack a couple sandwiches.

                          Hey, do we have to bring back the entire head this year? I'm getting old and they get heavy. How about just a scalp, nose and ears?
                          -Every young man's battle - PORN AND MASTURBATION![/SIZE]
                          -DISOWN your ATHEIST children - just like this good mother did!!

                          -FINALLY!! Some rights for the rapists!!
                          -There is no such thing as animal abuse!!
                          -Pregnancy through RAPE is a GIFT from God
                          -Keep the Fags out of the Boy Scouts!!
                          -WIVES!! Stay in your abusive relationship!

                          STOP, DROP & ROLL DOESN'T WORK IN HELL!!!!


                          Comment

                          • Pastor Ezekiel
                            Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                             
                            • Sep 2006
                            • 78553

                            #28
                            Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                            Boys, I'm going to take top prize again this year. I've got a whole flock of them!
                            Who Will Jesus Damn?

                            Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                            Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                            Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                            Comment

                            • Jim Farmer
                              True Christian™
                              True Christian™
                              • Sep 2014
                              • 2293

                              #29
                              Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                              I took Murray (my best mate) with me in search of the witch's coven I had investigated. His job was to keep watch and collect body parts as they fell to the ground. We arrived half an hour before the coven was to meet. Things started well. The first witch arrived and with the aid of my trusty sword, I sliced right through her hand and half way through her torso with the first hack. Murray scurried around on the ground and bagged the five fingers. Meanwhile, rather than finishing to slice her body in half, I was distracted by another couple of witches who must have seen what was going on. As they scurried away I brought my sword down on one of them from above, slicing off an ear then through the left shoulder down to the right hip.
                              The second witch got away. I cursed Murray for not noticing these intruder witches, but like the good mate he is he picked up the severed ear. Then through the dark of the night we saw the flashing lights of the constabulary, obviously alerted by the escapee witch. I cursed Murray again, but by then he was off and running. I decided that my mate was more important to me than a few stinky witches, so I went in pursuit of Murray.

                              So only 2 witches killed. The spoils:


                              and

                              sigpic

                              Comment

                              • Elmer G. White
                                Distinguished Professor of Prayer Healing and Creation Zoology (Baraminology)
                                Victim of atheist scientific persecution
                                 
                                • Apr 2014
                                • 10262

                                #30
                                Re: 2014 Witch Hunt!

                                Originally posted by Jim Farmer View Post
                                Congratulations, Brother Jim. The abomination in the picture, I must ask, what body part is it actually? Part of a wing? Labia? (sorry, Ladies, for the vulgarism)

                                Proverbs 15:9
                                The way of the wicked is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth after righteousness.

                                Good for you! I must double my own efforts! And good for your mate, Mr. Murray. It is good to have close manly friends and he seems to be an athletic young youth in his prime! Is he saved?


                                Yours in Christ,

                                Elmer
                                2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



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