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Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
My finest congratulations on your birthday, my dear Pastor. Sadly, only being 29, you have a long time before you will have the Glory of sitting upon the right Hand of God Almighty and to know first hand His Grip of Love massaging your soul.
You might notice a 2018 Pearlescent Escalade parked in your lot at your residence at the Chrystal Cathedral in downton Landover. I'd of had it delivered to your residence but the security team told the driver there was a lock down due to an escaped 'cub'. In the back, you'll find a case of Macallan Lalique VI 65 Year Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky.Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. -
Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
Happy Birthday to you, Pastor Zeke. I heard someone describe you as "smarmy". Is that like a made-up word like, "smartish"? Because I would disagree, because you are obviously truly smart. In fact, you are the "smarmiest"!
The Good Lord keep you and Bless you,
.
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.
Guns For God and the Economy.gif "Gunsmilie(1)")
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
Happy birthday Pastor! Thanks for your guidance and for making this transition to Heaven easier! I hope Jesus calls you soon to be beside Him!Of course, not before you have accomplished your mission here in Earth.1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
Happy birthday, Pastor! I hope you are richly blessed for all that you have done for Jesus as you continue to, quote Sister Handmaiden, "smarmly" serve Him with all the humbleness and wisdom of the head pastor! I sent an aged whiskey for your birthday, I hope you received it in time!"Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
A God-Inspired Poem in Observance of Your Birthday
God formed all of creation and said it was ok
But something still was missing upon that seventh day
He formed a man out of the dust, Adam was his name
Now Adam was a fairly good guy, but God thought he was lame.
So he found some gold dust on the shelf and sprinkled it around
He mixed it with an angel's looks and made it muscle bound
There's little doubt, I shout it out, I know just how you'll feel
When I tell you what God had formed was our own Ezekiel.
Then creation was complete at last, it made God shout hurray!
He smiled as He watched Jesus and our Pastor Zeke at play.
He then taught Zeke about the plan to save the world from sin.
Zeke volunteered to preach the news to all the mortal men.
And that's the story of our pastor, better than all others
He's better than your sisters, and better than your brothers.
He does not age, he just improves with each and every minute
Were he to wage a war, you know, he's guaranteed to win it.
So Happy Birthday, Pastor Zeke, although I am not worthy
To speak your name or breathe your air or walk upon your earthy.
Thank you, JESUS, for this wonderful, perfect man.
May he remember my name some day.
BrotherLarryProverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man.Amen and AmenComment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
I am sorry you had such a rotten birthday, Pastor. And I am sorry Daisy Mae felt she had to come to me to talk about your relationship problems. I told her this was the kind of thing she should talk to her pastor about, but she said she couldn't, as you are her pastor.
Anyway, I have something for you that I think will help with your "little problem."
Don't worry, sir, we all get old.WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
Happy Birthday, Pastor! Me and my family already send money in hopes it will be used for the new airplane. God will make this very good man fly I am sure it will happen.-The Parable of the white laundry and the black man
-Scientific proof that GAY SEX IS UNHYGIENIC!
-Holocaust Jokes
-Diarrhea: The Vaginal Lubrication of the Homosexuals
-Anne Frank vs. Adolf Hitler: Who was the worse person?
-10 Reasons why GOD HATES FRANCE!
-5 Reasons why GOD HATES LEAGUE OF LEGENDS!
-Today I am declaring War against Woman's Rights!Comment
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Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR ZEKE!
My beloved Pastor Zeke! 
I would apologize for being so late, except that it was you who ordered me to go save some stupid savage souls in the Amazon jungle.
Anyway. I'm bringing back all the packages that you requested, and here is your belated birthday cake:
God created fossils to test our faith.
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My favorite LBC sermons:
True Christians are Perfect!
True Christian™ Love.
Salvation™ made Easy!
You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
God HATES Rational Thinking!
True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.Comment
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