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Default SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-22-2013, 04:52 PM

Letter To The Editor:

Last night I came within a hairbreath of death, literally moments away from a closed-casket funeral. It started just after midnight, when I heard noises in my backyard. Needless to say, in this situation you have only two choices:

A broom is a woman's item, and picking up a phone is pretty much the same thing. That leaves only machine-guns.

So anyway, I was laying down suppressive fire, while my neighbour provided target servicing by taking potshots at muzzle flashes (though they turned out to be my own - well, it's the spirit that counts). Eventually I spotted a second intruder taking shelter behind a woodpile, good thing my armor-pierching bullets were close at hand. There was a lot of screaming from a third position, but of course such an obvious ruse only drew more fire. Someone driving by fired a few shots too, though I'm assuming it was a good samaritan.

A steady rate of fire was kept up until sunrise, when we could finally figure out what was going on.

The first intruder was the nieghbor's teenage son, who thought that by sneaking through my yard he could get away with breaking curfew. I'm sure he's learned a valuable lesson, and will be thanking us someday, when he comes out of his coma. The second intruder was my adolescent daughter, who decided to play paramedic but did nothing but draw fire. The third intruder was either an uncover or off-duty police officer, either way he was out of uniform, and he can't prove all that shrapnel in his legs isn't from his own ricochets. Out of sympathy for his plight (we all make mistakes, after all) I gave a generous donation to the Freehold Police Association.

No charges have been laid, and the property damage was superficial (a dog died a mile or so away, but they can't prove it wasn't a meteorite). Over all I'm impressed with the conduct of everybody involved. However, I'm still I'm disturbed by what a close call we all had. After all, what if it had NOT been "tiny" Tim Worthington, Lily "lilliput" Thurmond, and that affirmative-action cop, whatever his name is? WHAT IF it had been actual criminals?

First of all, my firewood, bird bath, and imported goldfishes would have been at the mercy of the invader. Tim managed to climb into a commanding position from which he could have pinned down everyone on the property, had he been bothering to exercise his second amendment rights that night. Lillyput also managed to manoeuvre more effectively than I could have anticipated, I knew she's skinny and of course she started from inside the citadel which is a bit of an advantage, but then again it would be irresponsible to rule out the possibility of inside jobs.

This was a CLOSE CALL. Clearly the answer is more gun rights - I'm thinking some sort of system of moats that can be flooded with napalm, maybe an option to make the golf course watering system double as a flamethrower system - but with Obama plotting to ban everything up to butter knives, it's clear we're more helpless than ever.

I weep for my nation!

Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 01-22-2013 at 06:38 PM.
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 12:34 AM

Thanks for sharing the frightening experience, Brother Thurmond.

I'm so proud of the good citizens of Freehold who keep all of us safe by protecting themselves.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 05:53 AM

Brother, I am so thankful to hear you weren't hurt!

But I hope everyone sees now what they loss of our Second Amendment rights has caused. If America were truly the land of the free, brother Thurmond would've had some land mines planted in his yard to take out the intruders before they had a chance to cause this firefight.



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- Proverbs 15:3

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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 09:29 AM

I think shows a valuable lesson to Americans every where:

You are under threat and vulnerable to home invasions, murder, rape, kidnapping and being stolen every second if the day.

If you can't protect yourself from other people thinking EXACTLY THE SAME WAY who can?

That's right: Jesus can.

So having guns in your life is as effective at reducing your risk from gun crime as Jesus.

And you can't say better than that. Americans need guns and Americans need Jesus: FACT.

YIC


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Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 11:17 AM

Your right it was a close call. You very nearly killed 3 innocent people, you trigger happy psycho. Guns should be banned gun crime is higher where its easy to get guns, fact

YIC
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 12:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
Your right it was a close call. You very nearly killed 3 innocent people, you trigger happy psycho. Guns should be banned gun crime is higher where its easy to get guns, fact

YIC
But what you don't understand is crimes stopped by people with guns is higher where gun ownership is higher.

In the UK the amount of crimes stopped by guns is minimal. Maybe if you look at the broader context of the situation rather than your parochial liberal biased ideas you might be able to explain more than with your current world view.

Jesus brought you here for a reason. Why not listen to Him?

YIC


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Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 12:33 PM

Well, no one was seriously injured, so I say no harm, no foul. Maybe the neighbor's kid and even your own daughter learned a lesson or two. I assume that you either beat your daughter or turned her over to the church elders for a proper beating after the incident. As to the "policeman", I once watched 'The Departed' while compiling a list of films that should be banned, and in that movie there were such things as double and even triple agents. If a man is dishonest enough to lie and pretend he's a criminal, what makes you think he wasn't lying to the cops and pretending that he wasn't a criminal? ...and if not a criminal, probably one of those social enablers which are still criminals in my book. Anyway, all in all you did the right thing, and I'm glad you are okay.
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 12:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
But what you don't understand is crimes stopped by people with guns is higher where gun ownership is higher.

In the UK the amount of crimes stopped by guns is minimal. Maybe if you look at the broader context of the situation rather than your parochial liberal biased ideas you might be able to explain more than with your current world view.

Jesus brought you here for a reason. Why not listen to Him?

YIC
He brought me here to try and talk sense into you before it's too late.
Yes the amount of crimes stopped by guns in the UK is indeed low, but the crimes committed by guns is also low.

Coincidence, I think not

YIC
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 03:26 PM

This reminds me of that time a few summers ago in Leviticus Landing. I was going through trashcans for recyclables, and long story short I was pinned down for the entire night. No harm done, I've heard the hedges have mostly grown back by now.

Also, I saw Lily's new hairstyle and, while shorter, I wouldn't go so far as to say it "gives aid and comfort to lesbians". It's really nothing to complain about, and variety is always nice. One could even say you did her a favour by shooting her left pigtail off.


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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 03:37 PM

The valuable lesson here is that you need to remove any objects intruders can hide behind. The fact that you didn't kill them all should worry you.

You could bury explosives behind the cover that you could detonate from inside the house. That should do the trick. I don't think the Bible has any problem with that.


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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 04:49 PM

The best defense against a bad guy with a big gun is a Christian with an even bigger gun!


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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 05:10 PM

But if no one has guns, you would not need to defend yourselves against them, simple common sense, although common sense has a habit of falling on deaf ears around here.

YIC
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 05:40 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
But if no one has guns, you would not need to defend yourselves against them, simple common sense, although common sense has a habit of falling on deaf ears around here.

YIC
Because criminals always obey the law, they would respect a law about no one having guns.

[/atheist logic]



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 05:43 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
Your right it was a close call. You very nearly killed 3 innocent people, you trigger happy psycho. Guns should be banned gun crime is higher where its easy to get guns, fact

YIC
What's wrong with you, you crazy woman? where's your husband and why are you trying to embarrass him by spouting off your sassy bitch mouth? He should be blacking at least one of your eyes for this. You're a shameful, mouthy harlot bringing shame on your father.
Proverbs 6:23-24
For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Maria_Tosspot Maria_Tosspot is offline
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redeemed Papist View Post
What's wrong with you, you crazy woman? where's your husband and why are you trying to embarrass him by spouting off your sassy bitch mouth? He should be blacking at least one of your eyes for this. You're a shameful, mouthy harlot bringing shame on your father.
Proverbs 6:23-24
For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life: To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman.
Such bad language on a forum for Christians! also for your information what I type has nothing to do with my "bitch mouth" as you put it I use my hands to type!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Because criminals always obey the law, they would respect a law about no one having guns.

[/atheist logic]

Making guns illegal means they will be much harder to come by reducing the probability that a criminal would possess one. I know there would always be a chance that a criminal could have one, but outlawing guns would mean prison for those caught in possession

[/real world logic]
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
Such bad language on a forum for Christians! also for your information what I type has nothing to do with my "bitch mouth" as you put it
Are you saying Jesus wouldn't have called someone who was doing wrong a bitch or a dog?



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

Join me in scoffing at backwards Muslims clinging to their beliefs in the face of the evidence!
The truth about volcanos
Sex and debauchery in public schools
Faith wins over science (explained for even the very stupid)
God Cures AIDS - GLORY!
Desert whale bones prove Great Flood once and for all.
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Mary Etheldreda's Avatar
Mary Etheldreda Mary Etheldreda is offline
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
Making guns illegal means they will be much harder to come by reducing the probability that a criminal would possess one.
Oh, 'cause that's worked out so well in the past.



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Maria_Tosspot Maria_Tosspot is offline
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:24 PM

Yes I'll use the UK as that's been used as an example before

Guns are strictly controlled, getting caught with one wins you some jail time, as a result gun crime in the UK is very low, I'll admit it does happen but when it does it's usually criminals fighting amongst there selves so no loss there, and no accidental shootings of unarmed innocent people.

YIC
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Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maria_Tosspot View Post
fact
You like that word? It's to just a rhetorical florish. A fact is an undisputed piece of information. Like, say, which countries have the most/least guns. And which ones have the most/least violence.

Would you like to report back to us on which countries/states have the most/least guns. And which ones have the most/least violence?

Or do you just like the word "fact" because it rolls off the tongue so nicely?
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Trent Harvey, Jr. Trent Harvey, Jr. is offline
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Default Re: SHOCKING close call - I was ALMOST SHOT! - 01-23-2013, 06:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
Would you like to report back to us on which countries/states have the most/least guns. And which ones have the most/least violence?
She's probably not coming back, so SPOILER ALERT:

I've never heard of a school shooting in Yemen.

It's not just all the guns, of course, but also because they have God In The Schools. Also they have less schools, which just means that God is more highly concentrated.


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